My story of infertility and adoption: Waiting for children when God seems silent

Being childless is a deeply personal and often silent struggle that many Kenyans face. For some, the journey towards parenthood is fraught with challenges that span nearly a decade. And Jane Gichohi and her husband are among the many couples that have gone through the emotional turmoil of infertility, adoption and finally getting a baby.

Jane's story is a testament to the unwavering spirit of a woman who, alongside her supportive husband and family, struggled with childlessness for eight years.

She talks of the physical and emotional battles, whispers from the crowd, and moments of despair.

At the age of 25 and fresh from the university, Jane married the love of her life, Pastor Nelson Gichohi (of Nairobi Light House Church). The couple agreed to start their journey to parenthood after two years. The plan was to have two boys and two girls.

Before getting married, a medical test had revealed Jane suffered from a hormonal imbalance linked to her irregular monthly periods. On getting married, a gynaecological review showed she had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), a blocked tube and fibroids. The doctor said this was a pointer that the couple would have difficulty conceiving. 

“I was heartbroken because I thought to myself, 'I have been a good girl, I have served God, and I am a pastor's wife, God, what did I do to deserve this?” she says.

Read more: The other side of infertility coin

What followed were sleepless nights of thinking and questioning God.

After 18 months of trying and not conceiving, the couple sought fertility treatment. She was prescribed tablets since injectables were too costly. 

Owing to the hormonal nature of the fertility treatments, Jane started experiencing mood swings, anxiety and depression among other side effects. She also added weight.

Hopeful, she kept changing treatments and doctors, but months turned into years. She became weepy, sad and very unhappy. 

But in church, she continued serving joyfully, until one time, the glee fizzled out, and self-doubt set in. 

“I started having an internal battle, issues with my belief and ability to be heard by God, not in God's ability to hear me,” says the 57-year-old.

Dream husband

From teenagehood, Jane's desire had been to be married to a pastor.

"At the age of 16, I told my mother that I desired to be married to a pastor. This dream came to pass when I met Nelson in India where I had gone to study," she says.

It was bliss; a relationship full of joy, surrounded by a wonderful family and church members.

Then around year four into marriage, she started sliding into depression seeing that the fertility treatments were not bearing fruits.

Read: New AI tool could be the answer to male infertility

The desire for a child occupied her thoughts and she felt rejected by God.

“I was struggling with so much, and at some point, I became resentful because my husband seemed to be so okay and so strong,” she says.

She felt she was living under a heavy grey cloud that she wished could be tossed off but it stuck on. While both sides of the extended family were supportive, some proposed solutions that were not in agreement with the couple’s faith and convictions. One suggested to her husband that he should consider getting a second wife for the sake of procreation.

Read: Concern raised on exorbitant costs of infertility treatments

Another suggested that her husband ask one of his siblings to sire him a child they would then adopt, to keep the family lineage.

Amid all these, Jane got wind that someone said her husband was a fool to marry a barren woman. This hurt her and sunk her deeper into depression. She says there are times she did not enjoy Christmas celebrations and family gatherings because “we would have little children running around and the women carried diaper bags and I didn’t. That would hurt.”

In her book “God Why Can't I Have Baby”, Jane writes of her struggles sitting through conversations with other women, most of whom were mothers then, and they would get carried away while comparing notes on pregnancy, amidst light jokes and laughter.

“I wanted to be happy. I wanted to join in, but my heart was aching. I couldn’t stay in the room among my friends anymore. I felt so conflicted inside,” she writes.

These feelings of inadequacy made her wish at the time, that her husband would have married someone else given that he loved children so much.

On the other side, Nelson felt like he was losing his wife.

The couple agreed to stop the fertility treatments, praying for a miracle. This went on for two years with the conviction that there had to be more to life than children.

But the internal battles persisted. It got to a point where she would self-isolate by staying indoors, drawing the curtains and just being blue. The bubbly Jane that would normally meet Nelson at the door to welcome him home was not there anymore.

“There's this one time he found me in the room we had designated for the baby just moaning my empty arms. The neat house that I wanted to be filled with children's laughter and toys, just wasn't there,” she tells Nation Lifestyle.

It is at this point that Nelson told her that God had told him during one of his trips back to the country as he was reading the Bible that they would wait a while to be blessed with children, but they would eventually have them.

Years six to seven into their marriage, Jane started doing things differently. She re-engaged in things she had dropped by serving wholeheartedly, dressing up nicely and caring for other people’s children.

The difficult period strengthened the bond between Jane and her husband as they would share the pain and nurse the wounds. What was so negative and painful that could potentially ruin their union, ended up laying a strong foundation for their marriage.

She asked God to tell her for sure if she would ever have biological children. She fasted.

“After the fast, I heard a still small voice in my spirit, saying to change my doctor,” she says.

The couple changed doctors. Jane developed a friendship with this female doctor whom she says was warm from the first day the couple visited her clinic.

She took Jane back on a fertility treatment she had done before amid her disapproval that it would not work.

“She said, don't worry, just go home, let's pray, let's trust God. He is going to do a miracle.”

Read: The male infertility crisis. 'When I see children playing, my heart breaks into tiny pieces'

Three months into the treatment, Jane woke up one morning feeling unwell. The first she did was take a pregnancy test. She had done this so many times before and they all turned out negative, adding to her sorrows.

This time around, however, the results were positive.

“And I didn’t think I was! I was sure the pregnancy kit was erroneous,” she says.

She shared the news with her husband and the couple sought a second opinion through a blood test at the Nairobi Hospital. The results confirmed that indeed she was pregnant. An ultrasound showed she was six weeks pregnant. They agreed not to share the news until she was through with the first trimester.

After three months lapsed, the senior pastor asked Nelson to share the pregnancy testimony with a church during service. In those days, the congregation would meet at the Nairobi's City Stadium.

“I remember people getting up, running into the stadium, doing laps, singing and praising, and my heart was so touched because I realised, although I had felt so alone on this journey, there were so many people that were actually praying with us and for us and that now rejoice when they see the miracle of conception,” she says.

Child adoption

Two years before Jane conceived, the couple had adopted a child.

One of Jane’s close friends told her she had spotted a lovely child at a children’s home and that she should go have a look. Jane fell in love with the girl at first sight. She asked her husband to meet her at the adoption centre before heading home, to which he obliged.

“When he came, he saw yet another beautiful baby and he said, why don’t we take seven!? I don’t see how I can leave any of these children!!,” she says.

They agreed to go home and pray about it. The next day, a missionary friend called saying she had seen a child that resembled Nelson.

“When the baby aged three weeks was placed in my arms, there was such a connection when she opened her eyes and looked at me,” she says.

 “She was the most beautiful, gorgeous child. Her eyelashes were curly, and I thought; this one will never need mascara!” Jane fondly recalls.

“And when my husband came and saw her, he carried her and said with finality that she was coming home with us.”

The process of adoption went smoothly, and the couple brought the child home.

Jane divulges there was a degree of peace and contentment as they raised their daughter and were about to close the chapter of trying to conceive. It is after two years had lapsed since the adoption that the couple conceived for the first time.

“Now we have two daughters, and they are the greatest of friends!” she says.

Ten months after having their second child, a church member told her husband that he had a dream that the couple was expecting again. She laughed it off. When she bumped into the shy church member days later, he added that in the dream, she actually stood at that very spot and wore the very same dress she was in at that moment. To her shock and dismay, a pregnancy test confirmed that indeed she was pregnant.

“The shock and the joy and I’m thinking how? My baby number two is only 10 months old!”

She had been warned by the doctor that it would be dangerous for her to conceive a second time because she had laboured for over 24 hours with the first pregnancy, and she ended up going through an emergency Caesarean section.

During her first pregnancy, she developed pre-eclampsia [high blood pressure disorder that occurs during pregnancy] at around six months and was put on Ventolin and partial bed rest. The pregnancy went on beyond 40 weeks and labour had to be induced, but still, she had to go through an emergency C-section.

She developed pre-eclampsia with this second pregnancy. At 37 weeks her uterus started to give way, and she was rushed to the hospital, where she delivered a boy through a C-section.

Two years down the line, she gets the feeling that God will bless her with yet another child. At the time, she was 39 years old and was on medication to make sure she did not conceive since it would be life-threatening to mother and child.

“And I got pregnant. I prayed that God would give me a scripture so I carry the pregnancy joyfully and without fear, and He did.”

At 35 weeks, the uterus started giving way and she had to deliver the baby boy through an emergency C-section.

That was 18 years ago!

The couple home-schooled their four children as she continued pursuing her writing interests, telling of her journey with infertility.

She says authoring “God Why Can't I Have Baby”, was inspired by the difficulty she had in getting inspirational books on fertility, especially in the African context.

“The desire was to write a very raw book. One that isn’t sanitised. I wrote it and would constantly break down and cry,” she says.

Her advice to those struggling with infertility is, “Do not put your life on pause. You don't have to live your life without hope. You don't have to live your life without purpose. God made us with a purpose and for a purpose. Embrace life and enjoy it.”

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