My husband is a bed-wetting flirt

Hi,

I am a 25-year-old married woman with one child. My husband likes to flirt with his lady friends and does not stop to think that this bothers me.

In addition to that, he drinks almost every day and then wets the bed. My house smells like a urinal. I often have to sleep on the sofa.

He is not an alcoholic, so he drinks by choice, and his actions are straining our marriage.

He refuses to understand that his actions are torturing me psychologically, saying that I am overreacting. So I have decided to walk out.

I feel that he does not love or respect me enough to want to do what is right or protect my feelings. Do you think my decision is right or should I stay and continue suffering, hoping that he will change?

Hi,

I empathise with the situation you find yourself in. This must really be difficult for you. However, I believe your problem is not so much about the fact that he does not protect your feelings as the influence alcohol is having on him.

If a man gets to a point where he wets his bed, then there is a serious problem. No right-thinking person can wet their bed, sleep in it till morning, and see nothing wrong with it.

I strongly suggest that your husband seeks medical help. His alcohol consumption could be a part of his problem since alcohol may make some people incontinent.

Remember, the decision to deal with his excessive alcohol consumption must come from deep inside him; any improvement he makes will only be temporary if his desire to change is merely due to pressure from you.

What this means is that you must make him see the pain and anguish he is causing you and the strain that he is placing on your family through his actions.

Seek the help of a professional counsellor, family member, or a close family friend to help you drive the point home.

And while at it, also seek help in dealing with the pain and suffering that you have undergone. It will be important for you to deal with this pain if you are to repair your relationship with your husband.

If he fails to appreciate the gravity of his actions, then evaluate the choices you have and their consequences, keeping the welfare of your child in mind at all times, and make a choice.

But do not quickly take the easy way out, which is walking out of the marriage. There must be good qualities that you saw in him that made you decide to marry him, so do all you can to restore your marriage.

---------------

Dear Kitoto,

I fell in love with a colleague and asked her out. She sort of agreed but warned me that she was in a relationship with another man who was abroad.

One day, while visiting her, the boyfriend called (although I am not sure that this is true).

They had a big argument while I was there — she told me that she suspected her boyfriend was having her watched.

I guess the argument worked her up or something but we ended up having an argument as well.

She later told me that she could not afford to lose me as a friend and that she had severed links with her boyfriend. She said she could not put up with a person who was spying on her.

I decided to put this event behind us and we continued to see each other, with her maintaining that we remain just “good friends” even though we did all the things lovers do except getting intimate.

We then had another bitter argument over a trip we were to take together and we agreed to go our separate ways.

But the strong bond of love we had for each other (although she would never admit to it) drove us back together.

She has never told me that she loves me but her actions tell that she does. She still maintains the no intimacy policy, but I do not really suspect her of cheating on me.

Early this year, we disagreed and parted for about four months, but are now getting back together.

This is my dilemma: This woman has never told me she loves me, but she is respectful, kind, and wife material. I love her and I am convinced that she is the right woman for me.

What I cannot understand is why she cannot tell me that she loves me. Whenever I raise the subject, she says I should not pressure her since she gives me everything and is always there for me when I need her. What could be the problem?

Hi,

It is not quite clear from your letter whether your girlfriend still maintains contact with her former boyfriend or any other man, for that matter. The two of you have a strong friendship bond, although still immature in some areas.

The two of you must really define what you have. Is it a just a relationship or are you hoping to see something come out of it.

If you want something more, then make it clear. For example, you can tell her, “I like what we have now and hope that one day in the near future we can evaluate and see whether this can lead to an engagement.”

I am glad that you are not complicating your relationship with sex before marriage. This, in many cases, can propel the friendship to another level before the basic issues are dealt with.

My only concern is that you have been together this long but you have no idea if she feels for you what you feel for her.

I would suggest that you ask your self a basic relationship question, “Is this the woman I want for a wife?”

If your answer is yes, then approach her and let her know what your intentions are.

You could either be sitting on a gold mine or a time bomb. You could easily be deceived by her kind actions, which mean nothing more than you being just a “friend to have fun with”.

Do not wait to be hurt. You have invested time and emotions, it is time to know whether you are moving to the next level or not.

----------------

Philip,

I am 24 years old and working. I parted ways with my boyfriend and got into a new relationship with a man I loved, but I later came to learn that he had an older woman who provided for him.

So I started being unfaithful to him. I started seeing my former boyfriend because he still loves me and does for me whatever I want, but I do not love him.

I am now pregnant and I do not know who between the two is the father and they both want me. My ex is more responsible than my current boyfriend, but like I said, I do not love him.

My boyfriend says he will leave the other woman and be with me only. Should I trust him or should I hook back up with my ex?

Hi,

I am afraid you are creating a web that will soon trap you forever. First, I do not understand why you left your first boyfriend. And if you did not love him, then why do you want to go back? Second, if you have found out that your second boyfriend is a fake, why should you be confused about whether to leave him or not?

You need to sort yourself out first before you get into a relationship. Find the answers to questions like: What is love? What makes a relationship stick? Why should I get married? What is my perspective of a successful relationship? Then, you may have a chance at a proper relationship. A counsellor will help you find these answers and therefore sort out the mess you are now in.

-----------------

Hi Kitoto,

I am a born-again Christian woman aged 25 who strongly believes in abstinence before marriage and I intend to get married as a virgin.

I have been in a relationship for the past three years with a man I truly love, and I know he loves me too. He also shares my belief of abstinence.

In the time we have been together, he has been honest, faithful, and serious, and he is now proposing marriage. The problem is that he is Muslim.

We have talked about the sensitive issues and have agreed that he will not stop me from worshipping Christ and neither will he subject our children to his religion.

I would not want anything to separate me from Christ, even my boyfriend, despite the love I have for him.

That said, is it wrong for a Christian to marry a Muslim? Should I agree to marry him or should I end the relationship?

Comparing him with most men in church, he is many steps ahead. All the Christian men that have proposed to me want sex before marriage and most of them are only casual Christians.

I have not met a serious and morally upright born-again man and I am even thinking they no longer exist. Please help me before I go crazy.

Hi,

Since matters of religion can be emotive if not well handled, they can cause emotional and spiritual disorientation to the couple and their children.

In a marriage, a couple cannot say that the marriage is ours, but the children belong to one of us.

Therefore, it is naive to expect that your husband to just watch as the children are disciplined in another faith without his participation.

He needs to be part of the teaching, educating, and mentoring of the children both in earthly and spiritual matters.

I am of the opinion that faith is a very personal choice between the person and his/her God. It appears you know what you believe, and so does he.

But since you seem to respect each other’s religion, your only bone of contention will be how you apply your faith to the daily walk of the family.

Remember, you cannot divorce one’s faith from their works.

The two of you must talk about the reality of getting into a marriage where two religions are upheld.

Talk about how it will affect your beliefs, attitudes, values, and practices in daily marital life at home.

Since religion informs a large part of a person’s thought patterns, values, and outlook on issues, these ramifications have to be dealt with to avoid fights and disagreements.

Issues like parenting, discipline of the children, and their spiritual inclination are some of the practical areas that will require discussion.

As a Christian, you need to ask yourself what your priority is. Is it your faith or your marriage? He, too, must ask himself this question.

This will help to put things into perspective for both of you. What the two of you have to remember is that your individual faiths will outlive your marriage.

There is, therefore, a need for you to respect each other’s choices and at the same time learn to respect the other person’s faith.

I cannot tell you what you should do, all I can hope for is that what I have said will provoke the two of you to be sober and realistic for the sake of yourselves and your children if you decide to get married.