I was born with HIV and cannot find a healthy woman to marry

Dear Kitoto, 

I am Ugandan. I always look forward to your column on the Internet. I must commend you for the precise advice you give.

I am 27 and I love the Lord. I have been through ups and downs, but I cling on. I have been a believer since my early high school days, many times even becoming a leader in Christian circles.

I faced one of my sternest tests seven years ago when after a long illness, I was diagnosed with HIV. Having been and still a virgin, it was initially difficult for me to understand this until I learnt that I was probably a case of mother-to-child transmission, and that my father, who died many years ago, died of an HIV-related illness.

From devastation, through denial, then prayer, I learnt to accept. I actually now imagine that this situation has made me a better person. I have learnt to accept my condition and I believe that God has a plan for me and my well-being. 

If I thought that accepting my status would be difficult, I never imagined the daunting challenges that this would bring in dating and relationships.

I am now grown up. I can fend for myself. I have a more-than-decent career and cannot complain about the quality of my upbringing. It was a good and fulfilling one.

My first challenge came when I started dating. We spent a lot of time together and a deep bond grew between us based on Christian values.

With time, I felt deep in my spirit that it was not fair to keep the reality of my status from her. Mastering the courage to tell her was one of the most gut-wrenching experiences of my life.

I have only told three people about my status. The others who know are the medical personnel I see occasionally as part of my care.

I keep telling myself that HIV does not define who I am, although this does not mean that I do not hurt sometimes.

Now, I have read that people of different statuses can fall in love and even get married and that there are ways to prevent infecting one another. But being a logical guy, I did not want her to feel pressured to say that the relationship could go on. I would not want to expose anyone to a risky situation — however minimal the risk. 

To cut the long story short, I have now focused on finding a love of the same status. I have searched through the Internet with no success. I feel it is the right time for me to be with someone.

My close friends have moved on. They are either married or dating, so we do not spend as much time together. I know that if I have to move on with other areas of my life with purpose and vision, I would do much better with someone loving to love back and share my life with — a person who respects God and has a good character

This is such a daunting task that I need your help. How and where can I find this woman of substance and of my status? Where do I start?

I cannot afford another experience of getting close to someone, only to break it off because of my status. This is really keeping me aloof. I need your guidance.

Jay 

Hi,

I must commend you for how far you have come in dealing with the shock of being informed about your HIV status. Your attitude and resilience have made you come this far.

People who find out that they are HIV-positive often deal with the news in different ways. Some choose to believe that the HIV test was not accurate or that there was a mix-up with the results, even after confirmation.

It is gratifying to note that with the support you received, you have been able to walk through this stage.

The fact that you were able to share with her your status is encouraging. This was a major walk towards your ability to accept and openly talk about your status.

However, it seems there was withdrawal from your part due to her rejection. I feel that the more you talk about your status, the easier it will be for you to live with it without being embarrassed.

You sound as if you have lost hope of marrying a woman of a different HIV status.

As the HIV epidemic moves into its third decade, people who are infected with the virus are living longer and healthier lives, according to public health officials.

As a result, they are dating, falling in love, and making families, sometimes with a partner who does not have the virus, say Deborah L. Shelton and Dahleen Glanton of the Chicago Tribune.

Start by seeing yourself as deserving the best. Be open to date either a person with the same status as you or not.

Secondly, do not be ashamed or embarrassed of speaking openly about your condition. Finally, remain committed to taking your medication. You will live to see a bright future if you stay focused.

And as a Christian, your best place of encouragement and strength will be in prayer and the word of God.

How do I break loose from porn bondage?

Dear Kitoto,

I hope this finds you well. The job you do, counselling and answering pertinent issues, is an invite for blessings. May the blessings be many. Reading your page recently, I was struck by the predicament of a certain man, married with two children but addicted to porn.

Well, I am still single, a Christian, but also overwhelmed by porn. For the longest time since my childhood, innocent self-pleasuring has turned out to be the single biggest mountain in my life.

I do not know what led me into this. I almost broke free, going for almost a year without porn or self-pleasuring.

I am looking to getting married, but honestly, how can I do so and not give her all of me because part of me is fettered to the perversion that is pornography?

Please help me. I have tried but I need big help. It is a secret, known only to me and a pastor whom I confided in at the time I almost stopped. He hinted at counselling.

I concur but I am open to suggestion.

Thank you and God bless you.

Craig.

Hi

Breaking free from any addiction is not an easy task. However, with prayer, faith in God’s ability to break strongholds, accountability, and the power of the Holy Spirit, you are bound to make a breakthrough.

I notice the effort you have made in the past. I see a failure on your part to follow through with the pastor and a counsellor. Your path to recovery will sometimes be slow but only guaranteed if you give yourself wholly to it.

Let me suggest a path that will help. First, acknowledge the addiction and the need to break free. Second, seek out a counsellor or pastor to counsel and pray with you.

Third, remain accountable to your wife when the time comes. She is the only person who will sincerely stand with you.

I’ve been tipped my husband is cheating

Dear Kitoto,

I have been married for 10 years and blessed with two children.

A month ago, I was told by a friend that my husband had been cheating on me with my former house help, who left to start her own business. We were on good terms. This has left me hurt and suspicious of him, even though I have not confronted him about it.

I love him and he has done nothing to indicate that he does not love me. He takes care of us well and loves his children.

I am willing to forgive him if he comes clean. Should I confront him without any proof or should I first check his every move so that I can catch him red-handed? Do I let it go and let God do his work?

I am so confused. What if the suspicions are wrong? Do I openly discuss with him what I feel?

Anjelique

Hi,

Feeling cheated and taken for granted by a partner can be a thorny issue, and more so in a case like yours where you suspect that your husband had an affair with your former house help.

This brings about feelings of dejection and anger.

I suggest that you authenticate your source of information and ensure that your friends are not just speaking without tangible proof. And since the information is troubling you, this first stage is key. Letting it go will always leave suspicions in your mind, and soon a feeling of insecurity will set in.

If the information you get lacks credibility, drop it and fight to rebuild eroded trust. Of importance too is to consider what you would do if the information turns out to be true.

Should that be the case, set aside time aside to talk about it with your husband. Do not just blow it up. Use non-threatening words that will make him open up.

Use statements like, “Honey, I have some issues I thought it would be nice to talk about. This information has been troubling me for some time now. Just allow me to say it the way I know it then you can respond.”

Then go on and share the issue.

Remember that he could choose to deny or just be defensive by asking who told you. If this happens, make a conscious effort to remain the sober one if anything is to be resolved.

If he admits that it is true, then take the route of talking about how this has hurt and torn your trust. Assure him of forgiveness, but follow this with tangible steps to help rebuild faith and trust. I hope this helps you.

I’m beautiful, but no man has proposed

Dear Kitoto,

I am 38 and a mother of a 10-year-old girl. Her father is married. Our relationship failed about seven years ago, although he still supports us financially.

My problem is that during all this time, I have not found a man to love me.

What could me the problem? What could be making me unattractive to men, yet I believe that I am beautiful?

My daughter is now in a boarding school and I feel lonely. Where did I go wrong? Is there any chance of getting a husband? Please help because age is catching up with me and I really want a family. I am almost sinking into depression.

Worried lady.

Hi,

You have a lot to enjoy, be thankful for, and celebrate. After seven years of being separated from your husband, you have a daughter of 10 years to celebrate.

Your daughter needs to live in a good atmosphere. Do not let the desire for marriage to blur everything else.

Having a man in your life may or may not change the way you live. Remember that there are no guarantees when dealing with marriage. I advise that you move with care.

Look at what will make the relationship between your daughter and yourself productive.

There are many single parents who have done a good job of nurturing the children in their care. Try to build your self-confidence and self-worth.

You must accept yourself first for marriage to becomes a source of fulfilment. Otherwise, getting married may end up being just another trap.

I don’t understand her change of heart

Dear Kitoto,

I am a follower of your column, and it has been of great help.

I have been in a relationship for a year now. I love this woman with all my heart. We promised to marry in future and even introduced each of us to our parents.

She has been telling me that she hopes to join college. I promised that I would wait for her if her parents planned to send her to college.

However, she has lately been saying that she does not want me in her life any more. When I ask her why, she tells me that she is waiting to mature.

This is because I told her to grow up during an argument. I later apologised for my arrogance.

I am trying all my best to make things work, but she appears reluctant to solve the problem. I really love her. However, she says she is not ready for me.

We promised to wed, but now I am in a state of confusion because of her behaviour. I love her and I am willing to do everything to keep her. Please help.

Tcha Dan

Hi,

Marriage takes two people. Your girlfriend has reasons for feeling that she is not ready. It is important to listen to her and respect her opinions and decisions.

If indeed her reasons for wanting to break up are genuine, then it would be better for both of you if you pulled back and let her come back to you when she is ready.

Nobody can convince her to marry you if she has made up her mind not to.

I pray that you will walk through this and face the future ahead with focus.

Losing her is not the end of the road.

Her cruel mother has become a barrier

I am a student at the university. I am 23. When I was in third year, my girlfriend, a first year, conceived. I took her to my home and she was very well received. We stayed there for three months before she went to her hometown, Kisii, to deliver.

She gave birth to a baby girl. When my mother and I went to visit the baby, her mother was furious. I did not understand why.

She swore that I would not marry her daughter and that she would stay with the baby since her daughter was still in college.

We left the following day feeling dejected.

However, I have been communicating with my girlfriend and she has been keeping me updated about the progress of the baby.

I have a few questions I would like you to respond to, based on your knowledge and experience as a counsellor

This girl is her mother’s only child. If I marry her, can she make a good wife?

Since she is the only child, will her mother want to live with her when she becomes old?

Can she persevere the ups and downs that we might experience in case I marry her or will she run to her mother?

If my mother and her mother are not on good terms, can such a family stand the test of time?

Since it seems I might not marry her, can I claim custody of the child?

Can her mother, out of hatred, curse me?

Please help. I am desperate.

I must say from the onset that your action of taking responsibility for the pregnancy is commendable.

Not many young people are willing to do that. But remember, desiring to find a suitable woman to marry requires that you consider several issues.

First is whether the two of you are compatible.

I really do not know how much you know about her.

Second, she has to be willing to be your wife. If she decides to marry you, then she will move from the care of her mother into your care. But, how settled she will be will not be determined by the fact that she is a first-born or only child.

Her choice to live with you will be determined by the love and care you show and not her mother.

Sometimes last-born children have strong bonds with their parents. Detachment from such connections must be slow and gentle.

You seem to be concerned about the hold your girlfriend’s mother has on her.

This can only be dealt with if you take time to know your girlfriend and understand her perspective of her relationship with her mother. Once you know this, your fears about whether or not she will be running back to her mother will be addressed.

Overcome

You need to make her feel secure in your relationship. Avoid being too suspicious of her mother. Instead, build a strong relationship with your girlfriend. This will give you the opportunity to know her mother better.

Note that if your relationship with your girlfriend is strong and committed, it will be difficult for your parents or other outsiders to negatively affect your marriage.

If you find that it is impossible to marry her, then pursue ways of being involved in your child’s life. This can be done culturally or legally.

Try to overcome the fear that seems to have crept in since the confrontation with her mother. The idea of the curse will haunt you if you allow fear to win.