What you need to know:
- It is never wise to let a relationship hang in limbo without clear guidelines or goals on what both expect to achieve.
- As much as one may feel ready for marriage, such a priority cannot supersede the other pressing issues your partner may have.
I'm 28 and in love with a guy who is aware of how I feel about him. I believe he feels the same for me too. The problem is that the guy keeps on telling me that he's not ready to commit yet and doesn't want to be too attached to me because he's not able to reciprocate. Could this be a red flag?
Looking forward to your advice.
What I am happy about is that both of you have made your feelings and expectations known. However, you do not need to guess whether he loves you or not. Depending on how long the two of you have been together, you should be able to gauge whether he is the kind of guy who gets evasive when asked questions that demand some level of commitment. As much as it is easy to quickly judge him as non-committal, could it be just that he feels pushed by you into a commitment he is not yet ready to make? Don’t take any hasty actions.
However, if you’re feeling that you have been together long enough and there is need to bring more clarity to an issue like this one, then it is important to listen to his answer and weigh against previous discussions. It is never wise to let a relationship hang in limbo without clear guidelines or goals on what both expect to achieve. An issue can never be pushed off the table indefinitely. Develop some timelines and stick to them.
Two things are worth considering: First, a situation where some partners are known to be good at wanting to hurry the relationship along towards marriage even when getting to know each other and the building of a common agenda is not done well yet.
Second, a situation where others are good at wanting to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without showing any level of commitment. You are at a critical stage where you need to consider these two perspectives carefully.
In addition, each spouse’s priorities and personal expectations must also be judged in light of the above considerations. As much as one may feel ready for marriage, such a priority cannot supersede the other pressing issues your partner may have. For example, is he in college, jobless or facing some personal crises? We cannot overlook such. The opposite can be true.
My boyfriend drinks too much
Hi Pastor Kitoto
My boyfriend is a drunkard or should I say alcoholic because he drinks too much but will never admit it. How can I help him? I feel like it is a deal-breaker for me.
A dating couple intending to marry at some point or are married must be guided by some values and expectations that keep them in check. It is therefore important to discover each other strengths, weakness and potential since this will have an impact in the future. What scares, worries, or concerns you the most?
This a great test to determine your level of compatibility. Acknowledging what you are getting into gives you the necessary understanding and focus to use your skills to make and build the necessary endurance that will make a successful relationship. Promises without tangible evidence of progress could just be spelling doom for the relationship.
Your concern is that an alcoholic will be a burden. If you do not want to allow such baggage from the past to push you into a corner of wallowing in future pain, complaining about his behaviour or being hurt by his actions, then it is time to move on.
What we are not willing to make a sacrifice for must be core enough to you to make you arrive at such a decision. Love alone cannot sustain or carry you through such core differences later in a marriage. This is what relationships and friendships are all about. Habits and practices noticed that could threaten or cost the relationship negatively need to be watched with care.
Can you help him? Of course! However, knowing the weight of the burden is key. You may need to ask: What kind of help I am qualified to give? , Why should I feel responsible to give this help? and Who can I get to help me provide this help? Many have taken this route without the necessary skills needed and have ended up in a trap. Since you are not married, you can give this help as a friend.
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