I’m single, successful but very lonely. Help me!

Sad woman

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What you need to know:

  • The feelings you have are normal—and maybe it is an indicator that you need to prioritize these areas a little bit more. 
  • Sometimes, talking about such fears helps us walk through them fearlessly and with support

Hi Pastor,

I’m 30 years old and I am successful in my career—with a decent salary and a nice car. But I am very lonely and I have never had a serious boyfriend. I am shy at times but I was thinking of joining a dating agency or site. Is there any that you might recommend? Or any steps I can take to get a serious boyfriend?

Hi,

I must congratulate you for the achievements you have made at such an early age in your young adult life. Prioritising your career is important and commendable. This is one achievement you should be proud of and happy about. I can assure you that many women in marriage feel like they should have pursued some kind of a career early in life before marriage. There is a level of satisfaction and level of fulfilment that the achievements you have made bring to a person. I would encourage you to not lose focus. 

A second thing I would like to say is that, ironically, most people who initially focused on their career and forgot about their social life somehow end up feeling quite lonely in their mid-thirties and early forties. The feelings you have are normal—and maybe it is an indicator that you need to prioritize these areas a little bit more. At 30, I believe it is time to look for ways on how you can best be socialising without compromising your values. It is important at this moment in life to know what then you are looking for in a life partner. Being alert about those who will likely prey in you is of uttermost importance. Not all men who will show interest are right for you. 

Third, I have realised that our personalities and temperaments play a big part in the way we socialise. However, being shy is not a crime or necessarily a weakness but something you may need to work on. Most times, shyness fades away over time, as you overcome your fears and become more comfortable with the person you are dating.

However, your biggest challenge at the beginning of a relationship is not to allow this to stress you. Be confident in who you are. Be sure of your choices and the actions you take. Talk to your trusted girlfriends and siblings. Sometimes, talking about such fears helps us walk through them fearlessly. Maybe start with group dates where you get used to being before other people. Learning to express yourself freely before a mixed group of both men and women helps build faith and courage.

The fourth thing is that you asked about is online dating. I am not conversant with which sites are safe and which ones are not. That said, there are many people I have counselled that are happily married after finding someone online.

New relationship

Equally, many others were left wounded and abused by persons they met online. It is a gamble that you have to decide on. I recommend family or friend referrals. In addition, learning how to socialise well can be the best and productive way of finding a life partner. A friend’s party, a church meeting, a wedding or a workshop are some of the places several people have met their partners.

I feeling is that you are still at a good age to find someone to make a future with. Although starting a new relationship is scary and fun at the same time, here are some suggestions of the things you may need to observe as you move in that direction: 

Is what we share in common more important than what makes you different? Do remember that it your common areas of agreement that unites and creates couple synergy. The idea is to later work on agreement sameness in your areas of disagreement. A great couple can see things differently but can still compromise to go one way because of unity. Keep what is core at the centre — because if you compromise your core values at the expense of temporal happiness will eventually kill the relationship. 

Is your partner adding value or is he but a drawback in everything? Some partners make many demands that can exhaust a relationship. Don’t date a man who will always be a parasite and never a contributor to the life of the relationship. Many times it will be your or his choice of words that will make all the difference. This is where you get to know who you are dating. The tone of voice with which one conveys their message or feelings will tell a lot about their inner life. The idea is to know your partner well. 

Is your partner overly possessing and denying you to be yourself in the relationship? An overly possessive boyfriend will seek to control and manipulate you into doing things for them. For example, does he get angry when things do not go his way?

Send your relationship questions to [email protected] 

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