Help me win back my girlfriend

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for the wonderful advice you give to help nurture healthy relationships.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for six years. She is an amazing woman and the relationship has been blissful. Until mid-last year.

You see, my girlfriend lost her job last year. Her confidence dipped and she stopped being excited about our plans.

We had decided not to move in together and instead wait for marriage but she no longer seemed excited about marriage.

One morning, she called me out of the blues and requested we meet. To my shock, she was asking for a break from the relationship.

My pleas to reconsider this decision fell on deaf ears.

It’s been months since I last heard from her. I simply can’t wrap my head around what happened. We were quite happy over the past six years.

Her sister recently confided in me saying that my girl was dealing with some issues. Unfortunately, she won’t talk to me even on phone.

I love this girl and still intend to marry her. What can I do to win her back? Do we have a chance of building a future together? Please help.

Hi,

Six years in a relationship where it appears both of you have been enjoying each other’s company is something to be grateful about. However, with the turn of events, one would be tempted to ask, “What happened?” Could it be that there was an undercurrent that both of you were unaware of? Or can we squarely blame everything on the loss of the job? I would quickly doubt that assumption. Things don’t just happen.

Several questions may need to be asked to shed light on the future. First, what was the status of your relation prior to the break up?

Healthy relationships are about two people who allow love to grow irrespective of their imperfections and shortcomings.

Disclosure in the environment of trust helps them share their challenges without fear or shame. It is said that, couples who work at minimising their differences are most likely to grow a healthy relationship together.

In addition, embracing healthy ways of managing conflict helps reduce differences while increasing the merger areas. In fact, it is when we work at increasing on the areas of agreement that we build a strong common ground.

Impact of job on self-esteem

Second, what was the impact of the job on her self-esteem? Some people find definition, identity and sense of belonging in a job. If that’s the case with her, losing the job might have caused a level of anxiety and withdrawal. In turn, this heightened an awareness in her world of what a failure or loser she was. Coupled with this, she could have feared to share her feelings with the fear of the unknown ringing in her mind.

You may therefore need to investigate your response to her losing the job. If she failed to see some affirmation and encouragement, then it was easier to just fade away by going silent.

Third, why did she choose not to disclose the issues going on in her life to you? It is not strange that she poured her heart into her sister. Their close bond made it safer for her to share. This is a good sign that she is at least downloading and making critical disclosure. The question is what you do with the knowledge that you now have.

While seeking ways how to engage her, you may need wisdom, a measure of patience and tolerance in seeking disclosure. You can’t force it out. She has the right to disclose to you or not. The only seemingly open door is her sister whom she trusts and has confided in her issues. May be she could be your initial contact in breaking the silence and bridging the gap of fellowship.

Use diplomacy

However, care must be taken — particularly in the way her sister will approach her. If she confided in her and desired that issues shared remain between the two of them, she may need to use a lot of diplomacy. But if she shared as one way of venting out, then this may provide an opportunity for you to get looped in.

Fourth, what are the chances of you two getting back together? On this, it is hard to tell. It all depends on how she sees and feels about you now. Of course you had a great relationship from the onset. But you cannot underrate what caused her to leave.

Are there reasons that drove her to this decision? Since you were not yet married, you need to get some facts right: beyond what you heard from her, are there concrete reasons behind her move? Why would you want her back? Is she willing to come back?

Are you willing to pay the price of the reunion? All this depends on whether she is willing to see you and start a discussion. It does not hurt to try and see her. Maybe call, send an emissary or write to her. Whatever the cost, you need to reach out with wisdom.

Lessons

Finally, what lessons can you learn from her actions? The first take away is the need to rediscover what most people miss when they think all is well with their partner just to discover the opposite to be true.

Second lesson is to look back at how you related to each other and ask yourself what you would do differently if you are to yield different results.

Final lesson is whether six years of doing life together invested more into the relationship or otherwise. The future of any relationship in the joint vision and commitment two lovers have concerning their future.

A former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt of the USA wrote that, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” The conviction you have must overcome any contradictory thought. But remember, in the end, your girlfriend must want the same thing as you do.

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