How can I support my girlfriend after her abortion?

My girlfriend of eight years broke up with me two months ago. I really love her and would want to get her back. Is it really possible? Or should I move on with my life? She told me she that even though she loves me, she wanted a break from the relationship.

When we are together, her phone keeps ringing but she won’t answer it. One day I found love messages between her and another man. I felt hurt but I still want her back. We decided to abort our baby a while ago. Could this be haunting her and could this be the trigger for the break-up?

Hi,

They say that women are from Venus and men are from Mars. This has never rung truer in relationships because men and women look for different things. For a relationship to work, the values and expectations of both parties need to be in harmony. It goes beyond saying sweet words like “I love you” or hearing them said to you.

It seems that the two of you did not have aligned dreams and goals. You may have been living together for eight years, but it looks like you did not take time to design the kind of future that you both wanted. In such a relationship, one feels under no obligation to stay because the future is uncertain after all. The big question would be: What level of commitment exists between the two of you?

I may not be privy to what is going on in her heart, but I can comment briefly and say the following:

First, something is troubling your girlfriend. Whether this has to do with the abortion, the uncertain and temporal nature of the relationship or any other reason, this remains discovered thorn in the flesh of the relationship. However, it is almost certain that her disappointment has to do with the nature or status of your relationship.

Second, just the same way the abortion is bothering you, she must be bothered in one way or another by the loss. Whether it was a forced abortion or not, abortions have a way of later impacting negatively on the emotional wellbeing of either partner.

Third, her decision to move on is her right that you will need to acknowledge and respect. She may be feeling that “After all, we are just friends. I am not married yet.” 

Two key things are her disclosure that she loves you and that this has nothing to do with you. In addition, you have discovered that she already has attachments with other men out there.

But what matters here is that she has decided to move on. There is nothing you can do to stop her, unfortunately. If she is already seeing another man, you must have a convincing reason to get her back. Remember, if you win her back, you still have unresolved issues to tackle.

Third, I suggest that you not force or manipulate her to get back to you. She has to be the one who should see the need and be convinced that she made a mistake to break up with you. 

However, her choice to come back through your efforts or hers should not be treated lightly. As I said, in most cases, spouses quickly slide back into using the past baggage to get even when things don’t work. It would help if you acknowledged that her desire to break the relationship has underlying factors that will have to be addressed before any decision of reconnection is reached.

In conclusion, walking mentally through some questions will help you organise your approach:

1. Why would you want her back?
2. What is going to be different from the last eight years?
3. Why is letting go difficult for you?
4. Are you willing to pay the price of having her back?
5. Is your reaction based on personal guilt where you feel like you should have acted faster to solidify the relationship into a marriage? Finally, is she worth the sacrifice?

The healing that leads to reconnection is possible. It just depends on how you will navigate this journey. I pray that the answers you seek for this relationship should lie in your ability to redefine what you want to see in a relationship as a man. I feel that you need to know when to transition your friendship to a marriage. You have to ask the right questions that will lead you to lay the proper foundation.

Vision for a great marriage thrives in harmony and dies where there is disunity and division between a couple. Therefore, seeking to rebuild fellowship amid challenging times is still key. 

Seeking to rebuild together is more advantageous than struggling alone. Many issues will take ages to resolve in relationships; however, forgiveness and putting in place a conflict resolution mechanism to deal with the pending matters must always be the guide. 

Failure is not an end in itself but provides us with the opportunity to realise the frailty and weakness in how we relate. Bringing responsible behaviour back after facing failure guarantees relational growth and increased intimacy.

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