I’m only 19 but I have been sexually active for four years

Hi Kitoto,

Thank you for your encouraging words on these pages every week. I am 19 and in college. I struggle with two issues. First, I have been sexually active since I was 15 with different girls in the estate. Second, I have been visiting dating sites and just wondering whether dating from such sites is okay or not necessary. All the girls I have had sex with are older than me and are the ones who talked me into sex. I feel down and dirty. I am now scared of women sitting near me or touching me.

Hi,

Thank you for your compliments. I hope to provide the tools to pursue healthy relationships through this column.

You seem to be running away from a past you need to heal from. It’s important to seek healing first. The good thing is that you acknowledge that there is a problem. Your task will be to try and identify the things, people, or situations that would compromise you into that past behaviour and strive to stay away from such. For example, were you fond of watching sexually explicit movies? Such activities could just prime one for promiscuous behaviour.

That was abuse

Your issues are common with many young people today. First, early maturing of our bodies, advancement in technology, exposure to liberal media, and uncensored online media had exposed many to sex early in life. Of course, the older girls played a significant role in introducing you to a sexual life that became hard to disassociate yourself from.

Many argue that early sexual education for adolescents will delay the onset of sexual initiation for the young, thereby improving behavioural, developmental, and health-related living. If you did not have such education, the chances are that such abuse would occur. I call it abuse because you were a minor. The shame and disappointment you feel are related to your life feeling empty even after engaging in such acts.

When you are ready for a relationship, age difference in relationships is key but not the determinant on whether two people will have a great relationship. When it comes to choosing a life partner, everything boils down to our choices. Are they based on specific criteria that you have established? Such a criterion should expose what you are looking for in a life partner. Of course, I know that it has been said that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Many times, we may be attracted to partners we were never meant to marry. So, attraction by itself is useless. In addition, what may appear pleasing to one may not necessarily be appealing to the other. In general, relationships require agreement on the core values a couple feels. Because marrying someone much older has its consequences, it is essential to ask oneself whether one can handle such consequences.

As for you, convincing yourself on the reasons for marrying someone older is key, particularly considering your past. How will the relationship be lived and managed, mainly where past fears are still in control? How will you defend your choice?

Finally, let’s talk about technology and how it influences our moral choices. There is the good side and the really bad side to digital technologies, even in dating. Online dating is quick and easy, but it has its own challenges. There is a lot of deception that can happen behind gadgets, even though there are several success stories online. I encourage a face to face meeting at some point when it comes to dating online. This helps enhance connectivity.

Let me also say that connecting with potential love partners online is fun and exciting but has its potential risks, including sex predators, harassment, and lack of privacy. Remember that social media can heighten or underplay certain aspects of a relationship that in reality could be different.

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