Debunking marriage myths
A husband’s most critical role is to protect his wife and children, not from wild animals but from the vagaries of life.
What you need to know:
- A husband’s most critical role is to protect his wife and children, not from wild animals but from the vagaries of life.
- If a marriage is already in ICU, even the juju man will not help you turn it around.
Some years ago, when the fourth president of Kenya was sworn into office, I happened to be on an assignment with a government agency. For some reason, someone started a rumour that I was a niece to the then First Lady. The more I tried to debunk the story, the more it gained traction.
“Oh my, you look a lot like your aunt, short hair, and you speak alike!” What?
“We are not even from the same community.” Some people wanted to know how to get government tenders. “Could you connect me to the Ministry? I know you can…” They thought I was trying to be humble when I said I was not related to the First Family. Of course, others thought I was just being stingy. One morning, as I drove in to hustle for a parking space like the rest of the Kenyans in the building, which had limited slots and was allocated on a first-come basis, a security guard ran up to my car, smiling. I could have sworn he was about to salute/ I smiled back.
“Madam, we have a parking slot for you.” That is probably the best greeting a Nairobian jostling for free parking would love to hear. I kid you not, but he ushered me into a VIP parking lot. It helped that I drove a big machine then, which perfectly fit amongst the rest. And that folk is how I enjoyed free VIP parking for months and the occasional salute. A lady cannot protest too much now, can she? That too is how fake news spreads, a phenomenon called the illusionary truth effect.
The illusion of truth describes how when we hear the same false information repeated time and again, we often come to believe it is true, in what is also referred to as the law of propaganda. ‘Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth.’ Repetition might make a statement seem truer, but it remains a lie or a myth.
We have loads of these in marriages. A repetition of statements, passed down from one generation to the next encultures us to believe them to be true. Let us debunk some of the lies about marriage.
Marriage is a life sentence.
No, it is a voluntary commitment, intended for a lifetime of love, friendship, and companionship. But these do not always happen, and therefore, one can exit an abusive marriage, where love, friendship, and respect are no longer served.
The husband is the provider.
A husband’s most critical role is to protect his wife and children, not from wild animals but from the vagaries of life, with his arms and words. It does not matter how much he provides if he does not accompany that with the protection of his family. Unfortunately, some ill-informed husbands are the perpetrators of hurt against the very people they should protect.
Fighting for a marriage makes it work
If a marriage is already in ICU, even the juju man will not help you turn it around. Remember, marriage is a voluntary relationship between two adults. It will take the two of you to work together for a healthy thriving relationship.
Marriage is 50/50
It is 100% or it is not a marriage. You give your all, and they do the same. If anyone puts in less than one hundred percent, then that is an exploitative relationship, serving only one of you, the one putting in less than one hundred percent.
Happy marriages have no fights
All human relationships experience conflict. Marriage is no exception. The only difference is how the conflict is handled. You will occasionally differ, but healthy couples agree to disagree, and most importantly, when both feel safe to table any issue, that is a happy and healthy union. Research in fact demonstrates that conflict is healthy, as it allows everyone to express themselves, to feel heard and seen in the relationship.
Marriage sex is boring
That is a big lie. The most intense and intimate sexual experiences are within a committed relationship. People express themselves best when there are no inhibitions when they fully trust the person they are with, and when they aim to please each other. Things get better and deeper with time when dealing with a long term partner than with a stranger.
His people become your people
You two are to form your own boma and create your family culture, otherwise, some in-laws will as soon part you than unite you.
What else have you heard about marriage that with time you have realized was untrue?
