Where divorcees meet without being judged

Divorce in Kenya is still considered taboo. The first question divorced individuals get from strangers who learn of their status is “Did you try everything to salvage the marriage?” However, a failed marriage does not make one a failure, because it takes two to establish a strong one. People are not possessions. Even your spouse is not yours to own, so you cannot control them.

“Everybody is just an experience for you to enjoy a moment with. And when that moment is over, let them go! It’s not the end of the world, you’re going to have another experience… and another,” says 41-year-old Christine Muthoni, a lawyer specialising in family law.

Christine has handled numerous divorce cases, child custody disputes and disagreements involving property and inheritance.

Her book, Conscious Uncoupling: A Personal Journey, was published in May 2023. In August this year, she became a certified divorce coach.

Christine got married, hoping that it would be the beginning of her “happily ever after”. When her ex-husband first brought up the divorce topic, she was shocked and in disbelief.

She resisted because there were children involved. But despite trying everything, they realised the best thing was for both to go separate ways rather than stay in an unhappy union. This was the less painful and traumatic choice. Her ex-husband suggested that she files for divorce because she was familiar with the process, and they would not have to pay another lawyer for it. But she had to find fault in him.

“If you’re looking for fault, you will find it. The other person doesn’t know their faults, and when you write about their flaws they automatically feel they need to file their own documents to set the records straight. That’s where it gets murky. And even if you did not foresee it going down that path, divorce takes a life of its own. It is never beautiful, and there’s no winner,” says Christine, adding that people process divorce differently.

Coping with isolation

If you are familiar with tools to deal with grief and get professional help in the form of therapy, then you can cope with it better. You can co-parent and even be friends once you get past the anger.

Christine learned about Oasis Experience while doing her divorce coaching certification. All participants must be divorcees. Part of the requirements was that she attends group therapy for her divorce. She wrote an e-mail to Nairobi Chapel and she was given Tony Hutia’s contact. He invited her to the graduation of the second cohort and she was amazed by the bond of the group.

Read: Unspoken trials: The stigma we faced after divorce

“It was a celebration and I was wondering, ‘People are celebrating being divorced?’,” laughs out Christine.

She was inspired by the celebration of life even after divorce, and she signed up immediately. As a divorce lawyer, she had always offered legal and sometimes emotional support to clients. Her book was being cited by therapists. She had always been the strong one. But after her first session, when she saw people talking about their experiences in a structured manner according to the workbook, she realised she had been bottling things up. She had never put herself in the position of needing help.

“I would talk so much because I had a lot to say. This is the environment for me to get help. If I’m angry, I’m going to tell them and say what I’m angry about, and nobody is going to judge me,” says Christine.

Even while happily married, Christine was not a religious person.

“Oasis is church-based and scriptural, but they discuss things the way they are in real life. They don’t preach and they didn’t condemn me. They understand there are various aspects to a human being – there is the spiritual bit but also the material bit which is what is hurting right now so badly because of divorce,” says Christine.

Oasis Experience is run by four divorce coaches – Sandro Tangut, Tony Hutia, Catherine Nyambura, Aswani Labwende – who first started divorce counselling at Nairobi Chapel on Ngong Road after their marriages fell apart.

Sandro, a business development manager in the ICT solutions-selling business, went through a divorce in 2017. During that time, he found that he did not have a place he could go to and talk about what he was feeling. At 24, he had made up his mind to spend the rest of his life with his ex-wife, so it was a shock to him when his spouse of 14 years filed for divorce.

Read: MP seeks simpler, cheaper way for couples to divorce

“There was a rollercoaster of emotions when I heard, ‘We’re separating and I’m filing for divorce.’ I tried doing a lot of things, including church programmes. I thought, ‘How do I salvage this situation?’ You go looking for the best couple. If they cannot salvage things, you go looking for the relatives. Then you turn to the reverend at the church you were joined. After that, you turn to prayers and then resign to your fate. And the default for most men is turning to alcohol or looking for other women,” remembers Sandro.

Co-parenting reality

Marriage had become his identity. He did not know what going back to singlehood would look like. They had children and did everything together. His peers were also married and now he was an outcast in the group. Like a lot of people, he felt let down by the church, who after failing to reconcile the couple, had not offered much help for what was coming. In most mainstream churches, those whose marriages have collapsed are barred from serving in the church.

“The church is like a hospital. You can imagine I’m wounded then the hospital throws me out. If the church tells you ‘We cannot accommodate you’, should you go to the people of the world who are very open?” thought Sandro at the time.

He found himself at Nairobi Chapel. It is one of the few churches that has embraced divorcees and has a programme in their church. He joined the programme as a divorce care facilitator in 2019.

After processing the negative emotions, Sandro started talking about his journey on social media and attracted a lot of feedback. He felt motivated and registered for an online course on Udemy to become a certified therapist. What was supposed to be a pain, has now become a lesson for him and others. The quartet started the Oasis Experience in 2022 with Anthony, Catherine, Aswani and him as directors.

“We decided to have the setting outside of the church and help people wholesomely. We will not throw verses at you and threaten you with hell if you don’t listen to the Bible or follow the scripture, we will walk with you at your own pace until you feel healed and no longer bitter with God or the church,” says Sandro.

The programme

THE OASIS Experience is a 13-week programme that deals with relational, emotional, financial and legal issues to help divorcees financially, legally and emotionally. Financially, they teach participants how to adjust from a two-income home to a one-income household. Legally, they teach how to plan for the cases and lawyers. Emotionally, they help participants avoid sinking into depression.

Read: What does it take to file for divorce and child custody?

There is a workbook with topics that are to be covered each week. One can then journal their thoughts on specific topics. There is also a 30-minute video where those who’ve gone through divorce share their experiences on the topic being covered. There is also group therapy where members sit together and discuss their experiences, hopes and challenges.

Every last Friday of the month, they have a session called “Taboo Topics.” They pick topics which are not commonly spoken in church or different forums. One of the topics is marrying a single mother with a son. There is a big discussion in the “man-osphere” on men being told to avoid marrying single mothers.

Potluck picnics in Karura Forest or the Nairobi Arboretum are also used to break the classroom setting in between the programme.

Due to the stigma attached to divorce, most people are usually hesitant about admitting they are going through divorce. Sandro’s call to action is, “Men out there, know you’re not alone. Even as you’re walking through that separation and divorce, don’t be ashamed to stand out and say ‘My marriage has ended and I’m grieving’.” There are spaces where you can sit with other men and they’ll walk with you, and you will not be ashamed.

“At the end of the day, we are human and have emotions. Most men who don’t seek help end up killing their wives or children for revenge. Some people even gone through saddening experiences that when you listen to them, you realise that what you’re going through is not as big an issue.”

Finding self

Tony works in the ICT world and does a lot of mentorship for boys and men. He was married for 10 years before separating with his ex-wife in 2012. Last year, he decided to get support in terms of group therapy. A lot of Oasis Experience’s members are leaders in various corporates and often take a failed marriage harder than failing a career-defining project.

“In corporate, you can follow those five key steps (structure, culture, power and influence, identity and guiding principles) to reinvent and rebuild yourself, but nobody thinks about it deliberately in marriage. How do you turn that lemon and make lemonade,” asks Tony.

He says lots of marriages fail because, unlike work, people don’t deliberately think about what it takes to make marriage work. Men can lead in many other areas of life but don’t do the same in their homes and instead, relegate that role to their wives. Research shows that divorce is particularly devastating to successful people.

Read: Divorce on the rise as more Kenyans seek legal way 

“Nobody takes you through that process of you growing from a boy, to a man, and then a father. You expect it to be natural because you consider yourself a man. But you go for training and capacity building for any other thing to better your career skills. You gain the whole world and lose your soul, yet the soul is core,” says Tony, adding that men have been made to understand that (financial) provision is their sole responsibility in the relationship while leaving out things like guidance, leadership and support.

Tony says he got into mentoring because he realised that he is perfect only in the things his father taught him, like how to work hard and make nyama choma. He cannot remember being taught anything about relationships by his father.

“Most people who come for divorce therapy think they know and can do it without help because men are always told to ‘soldier on’. I tried to do facilitations for “Man Enough” and I could see it. I thought the best place to start from is going a level down and start with the young men. Capture them early to make them better people,” says Tony.

He holds three-day camps for boys (from when they are eight years old until they undergo circumcision) at a resort he owns and they encourage fathers to spend the last night with their sons to discuss what they’ve learnt.

Sandro and Tony went on to take a second shot at marriage and family life. They call themselves “two-star generals”.

Read: Every marriage is pregnant with divorce, let’s leave room for the latter

Sandro tied the knot again in 2020 and has a one-year-old daughter. He had three sons in his previous marriage. Tony got into a new relationship while he was still going through the divorce from his first wife, and has been married for nine years. He has a son and a daughter in his second marriage, similar to the first.

He was a couple’s counsellor in his previous church and was asked to step down after his divorce. His married friends were asked to keep away from him by their spouses. Tony says he had to take his mind out of “revenging against this one woman on every other woman.” He realised that while he was single he would be spending money on all these women and put himself at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. He was also putting himself in a position of possibly fathering children with multiple women. Everyone wanted something from him, yet he had gotten married so that someone would help him.

“You can only help in areas that you’re strong in. I wanted someone that would have my back as I’m building my kingdom,” says Tony.

Catherine, an interior designer, has never tried marriage again 11 years after her 14-year marriage ended. The counselling psychologist, who is a mother to two adult sons and recently a grandmother, wanted to be part of a tribe where she would not have to explain herself much while talking about challenges she faced with co-parenting and blended families. She and her husband mutually agreed to divorce.

“You come to a point where nothing makes sense. You don’t share the same parental skills, view family and marriage differently, and have different financial and religious values. As priorities change and you grow older, you grow apart,” says Catherine.

Although her husband was a good provider and took good care of them, Catherine decided to take her children and provide for them. It was scary at first, because she moved from a house they owned and had to start paying rent, and from a two-income household to being the sole breadwinner. It was difficult but she was able to do it with her family’s help. She has always been at Nairobi Chapel and was among the first cohort to benefit from the divorce counselling ministry at the church.

Healing

“Those who went through a divorce before me are surprised because they never got that help. In church, we would have to counsel men and women separately, but at Oasis we meet together. We want both parties to understand what the other side is going through, otherwise, we’ll just be “daughters of Jezebel” and they will be “sons of Adam”. We encourage friendships even after the class to make remarrying possible,” says Catherine, adding that the key to healing after divorce is vulnerability and being ready to try again.

Aswani is a ghostwriter. She is the newest kid on the block when it comes to being divorced. Describing herself as “divorced then but now single”, she was married in 2016, separated in 2019, and filed for divorce in 2021 and it took six months to finalise.

Most religions including Christianity encourage reconciliation or enduring difficult situations in marriage, and women are especially burdened with the task of “keeping the family together”.

Having done a white wedding, Aswani says that she had 450 witnesses to her failure. She was walking around with this aura of anger and people would even keep away. She couldn’t talk about how she truly felt in the church set-up. Other coping mechanisms that many divorcees use like rebound sex or drinking (self-medication) are taboo to talk about even in society.

“If you mention these, you will attract condemnation. But at Oasis we talk about the things that are happening on the ground without judging. And it’s not just about the extremes, it could be you’re just picking fights with others. But at the end of the day, we will bring Christ in a way that is relatable to us,” says Aswani.

The Oasis Experience classes are run from Weal House every Saturday. They are also currently working on a counselling experience for children of divorced parents.

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