We thank God and our voting robots for the successful piloting of our intimidation software

The hustler government wishes to thank all our human robots in the National Assembly who disregarded passionate public petitions and heart-wrenching oral submissions to vote for the Finance Bill 2023, just as the doctor ordered.

Wednesday’s late-night vote was an overwhelming assurance for the government to continue standing on the tail of suffering hustlers with their giant boots, without being bound by emotional feelings or cries for help.

We have heard you loud and clear; that the government should only fear God and hot porridge as it only takes blatant intimidation for our voting robots to process commands. 

This is one of the reasons why we did not increase taxes on political threats since our voting robots also need to be empowered as per our promise of pesa mfukoni, chakula mezani.

A special shoutout also goes out to all our homies in the National Assembly who made their names from content creation but who loudly came out to urge the government to come down heavily on their struggling comrades in the struggling profession.

By stifling the growth of your juniors in the content creation space, your 2027 reelection is already guaranteed as the content creation tax will ensure none of them will have as much campaign financing to come anywhere near your line of sight when the IEBC rings the bell again.

These are the brains that we need – brains that think about the sustainable future for their children and protect them from any adverse competition for the shrinking content creation space when their time comes to inherit your political kingdom.

We’re encouraged to learn that it might be less than six months since you came to take a photo on the lawns of State House, but you learned fast that just like the government hates competition, so should you.

Kenyans have been wondering when the hustler government will make good its campaign promise to adopt technological advancement for industrial takeoff to a first-world country. 

UDA software

Thanks to the human robots in the National Assembly that voted according to the UDA software that was installed in them when the Finance Bill 2023 was published for the first time, we now have our own human gizmos to shoot this country to the economic heights of Singapore without putting sufurias on their heads.

We take this earliest opportunity to assure all the Finance Bill robots that just like your fellow tea-plucking machines in Kericho and Bomet counties, the government will send law enforcement officers to protect you from lynching by angry Kenyans whom you are about to render jobless beginning next month when the full economic consequences of your voting will start kicking in.

Last year, when we went around asking hustlers what they would want us to do with billionaires who refused to heed God’s word to store their money in heaven where moths and vermin cannot reach, we were advised that the only way filthy-rich Kenyans can be humble is for them to be taxed to their bare bones to instil the fear of God in them if they cannot fear the son of a nobody.

Those already crying about the economic pain should be assured that we will liaise with the Nairobi County government to allow hawkers of handkerchiefs into all leafy suburbs to save them the embarrassment of appearing at work with tears in their eyes. 

To the economists who have warned us that high taxes will inevitably drive struggling businesses to hide their profits and make monitoring incomes difficult, we’d love to inform all of you that you’re not the only ones who went to Economics School. Anyone thinking of devising ways to avoid the formal economy should know we have the best trade and industry dogs in the business and we haven’t considered vaccinating them from social media rabies.

Allow us to take this earliest opportunity to remind all agents of the devil warning us that the Finance Bill 2023 will be the beginning of the end of the hustler government. 

In case you forgot, this regime was chosen by God Himself and the mama mboga and boda boda riders asking where they will get fuel money to run their errands and that they should also look for Wafula Chebukati to announce the winner of fuel vouchers and stop being jealous of those who won elections.

For those privileged hustlers residing in posh addresses with fat pay slips, we also have good news for you. We have listened to all the weeping and wailing by the privileged class who can afford a pay slip every month and decided to offer them a shoulder to cry on.

Salaried hustlers 

From this month, all salaried hustlers are going to add the government to their list of blood relatives and other beneficiaries of their philanthropy. Unlike your thankless relatives who survive on your monthly support but still back-bite you during family gatherings, the hustler revenue authority promises to send you a warm-hearted email every time you file your tax returns and ask us to keep the change.

We have also heard that there are plans by those who have been wearing sufurias on their heads to go back to listening to the ground this week. While we have no problem with anyone intending to put their ears to good use, we can neither confirm nor deny that we have enough teargas to enhance their eyesight to see well under foggy conditions. 

We promised to keep hustlers busy by any means necessary, and we want to thank our competitors for helping hustlers wipe away the tears we have ignited through the Finance Bill. This is the win-win formula that we’ve all been waiting for.

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