Housing Fund will help hustlers who don’t have food to go beg at home

President William Ruto

President William Ruto with grader operator Patrick Mbindyo during the groundbreaking ceremony for the proposed Shauri Moyo 'A' affordable housing project on January 27, 2023.

Photo credit: Evans Habil | Nation Media Group

The hustler government wishes to notify all Kenyans that the comments circulating on social media attributed to our God-chosen president — warning those without payslips to take notice of their real enemies — were not taken out of context, and we would rather die than apologise to those who walk home with payslips every month.

Indeed, when we took over the instruments of power from those who did not believe in God, we promised all hustlers that we were going to form a government of truthful men, prayerful women and missing children; and while we have been accused of being the poster image of false promises, this one on honesty we have delivered even before six months’ time, which is historic.

We would like to extend our sincere appreciation to all civil servants who have returned to the grassroots to conduct public participation on the Finance Bill 2023, taking citizens through this economic manifesto that seeks to tax the tears of all hustlers who still remain at the bottom, as it is the only way they can join children of dynasty in crying at the top.

We promised to make this country a nation where children of hustlers and those of dynasty can cry together under one God, and the Finance Bill 2023 was drafted to be the great economic equaliser that will cure the disparities in the tears between the two socioeconomic groups.

We see the Finance Bill 2023 as the magic pill that will cure joblessness, bring back lost lovers, vaccinate them from evil eyes, guarantee promotion at work, win court cases and repel thieves from their gates. It is clear that those who oppose the Bill want hustlers to keep selling ancestral land to consult witch doctors for these services, which we are going to offer them for free, and this is why we’re saying enough is enough.

Indeed, during the President’s Madaraka Day speech two days ago, he reminded Kenyans of the quantum leaps the hustler government has made to dismantle entrenched tribalism in the sociopolitical fabric of our nation, and correctly concluded that Kenyans are now mature enough to view development in the prism of issues and not sectarian, narrow-minded lenses.

While those who did not vote for us alleged that the statement by the President was not a true reflection of the reality on the ground, we remain positive that God will open the eyes of our critics for them to see Kenya from the eyes of UDA shareholders who were brought to fulfil God’s prophesy in the Book of Galatians 6:7, that you shall reap where you sow.

While we can neither confirm nor deny the impression that salaried employees are currently enjoying living in Kenya is only propagated by those who don’t live in Kenya, the hustler government remains committed to playing victim by inciting those who don’t have against those who do.

Blame others

This is the only way hustlers can give us breathing space and blame others for their problems. Indeed, this is the issue-based politics the hustler government has been advocating, as class warfare is much more sophisticated than tribal warfare, and only those with payslips wouldn’t want Kenya to join the league of technologically advanced countries where blood is no longer thicker than water.

The hustler government is passionate about fulfilling God’s promise to all those who voted for us, and this is why we’ve included in the Finance Bill 2023 the Housing Fund levy, where hustlers who don’t have food to eat and clothes to wear will be offered affordable housing to go beg from the comfort of their own homes.

We have made this drastic proposal because the government is increasingly getting worried about the indiscriminate mushrooming of unsanitary dwelling units built from rusty metal that can give children of dynasty tetanus just by looking at them on television.

Every evening, when high-ranking government officials return home from work, they are confronted with swarms of beggars in tattered clothes on the streets of Nairobi knocking on their tinted windows to disturb their air-conditioned slumber from a hard day’s work, asking for loose change that cannot even buy mushroom soup at a ministerial roundtable meeting.

Because homeless Kenyans are becoming uncontrollable on the streets and risk disturbing the peace of those with pay slips, we have decided to build them affordable housing in faraway towns so we can transfer begging to the grassroots in the spirit of devolution.

If the Housing Fund levy is passed, all hustlers in Nairobi will have a chance to choose which town they want the government to build for them houses in. It will encourage freedom of choice as enshrined in our constitution and promote local tourism for a socioeconomic category of Kenyans who ordinarily would not have afforded it had the hustler government not been elected by God.

We, therefore, would love to take this opportunity to plead with all Kenyans who have been blessed by God to have payslips, to come forward and allow us to chop their monthly income to build houses for those without payslips because we are all children of God who were created in His own image and the hustler government was chosen by God to be the ultimate socioeconomic equaliser.

For this reason, anyone who doesn’t have money and is relying on the government to put money in their pockets should be informed that those who have payslips are the ones who don’t want them to have the good life that was promised to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

If you’ve seen us lately getting agitated at those with payslip owners who don’t support the proposed Housing Fund levy, it is because even Jesus got angry at some point and whipped people in the House of His Father.

We, therefore, have no other choice but to carry on with the Lord’s work and apply violence, because that’s the reason our God-chosen president was given the sword by God at the Kasarani stadium on the day he was to bring down with the cost of living after putting down the bible.