We’ll rehabilitate tax evaders, though they didn’t vote for us

There exists an endless list of funny characters who have expressed interest in watching the Hustler government miss a step down the staircase and roll like a bag of guavas.

Agriculture cartels, smugglers of counterfeit goods, backwater alcohol traders and those bandits up North.

We were about to close the black book and open the floodgates, until tax evaders knocked on the door and asked if they, too, could try us.

Ordinarily, we would’ve asked these groups to pay a premium for the ringside seats to watch the government get boxed down by public demand.

But the Bible reminds us to pray for those who wish us evil and give Caesar what belongs to him. Which is why we have dedicated this past week to doing the Lord’s work.

The Hustler government would like to politely remind all Kenyans currently in a complicated relationship with taxes to report to the nearest KRA Clinic and get screened for tax evasion.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), communicable diseases still account for the highest proportion of the disease burden in Kenya, and the Hustler government would want to prevent tax evasion from jumping into that drum.

Alcohol menace

As we fight the alcohol menace among hustlers in Central Kenya, we’re also rehabilitating children of dynasties who are addicted to tax evasion, even though we know they didn’t vote for us.

We have decided to make deliberate steps to bring on board all Kenyans since we wouldn’t want to be vindictive like Kinoti.

We have also given a second chance to those who were facing charges of tax evasion before, as they have been born again and have embraced Jesus Christ as their Lord and saviour.

The Hustler government, therefore, is proud to announce the fulfilment of this election promise and is currently embarking on a new one — smoking out those children of dynasties and their funders who have been evading tax.

Since time has refused to support our lecture on why all hustlers must remit their taxes with a smile, we have been left with no option but to share with you St Paul’s letter in Romans 13:6, "This is also why you pay taxes, because the authorities are working for God when they fulfil their duties.”

Indeed, after reading that piece of heavenly wisdom, it would be an act of sacrilege for anyone to violate God’s word by arguing with a Hustler government official when they’re slapped with their tax obligation slip.

The word of God was not intended for debate, otherwise, all disciples of Jesus would have been lawyers. This applies to all private and public entities who have been enjoying tax holidays when other hustlers were slaving away in the plantations.

Churches, you’re our friends. You helped us win elections. You supported us when those who don’t believe in God doubted the power of prayer.

But because everyone must pay taxes, even you, my friends, will have to give to Caesar what belongs to him. And you can’t say the money you have is for God because we follow you on Instagram and we can tell that’s not God who plays golf in a Gulfstream. 

We have been forced to arrive at these drastic measures to cushion members of the clergy from being asked why they’re cosy with the Hustler government.

There have been rumours that you’ve been benefitting from taxpayers' money and that’s why you’ve withdrawn your voice from the high cost of living currently, giving your congregation high blood pressure.

By joining other children of dynasties in paying taxes that are due to the government, you will have sent a strong message that the Hustler government isn’t giving you preferential treatment and saved us from being accused of buying off the church when we all know God cannot be bought.

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