President William Ruto and religious leaders during a thanksgiving church service at the State House, Nairobi, on September 25, 2022
The hustler government joins the Kenya Conference of Catholic Bishops (KCCB) and the entire Catholic fraternity, as they begin their annual fourty-day period of intimate soul-searching, personal reflection and spiritual renewal in preparation for the resurrection of Christ Jesus in their hearts to enable them see the good things the Kenya Kwanza government have done also.
Indeed, since we brought down the Bible at the Kasarani Stadium using the bottom-up gravity approach more than one year ago, the Kenya Kwanza government has mainstreamed the Catholic call to sincere prayer, honest fast and giving alms to other churches who are not blessed with the financial war chest like the Catholic Church in Kenya – in the spirit of helping the needy.
While our competitors who do not know God have constantly misconstrued this act of Godly charity for buying the silence of the evangelical church, we are excited to report that as we mark the beginning of Lent, we have heard the call by the Catholic Church to lower the cost of living to all Kenyans.
From this Sunday onwards, we shall return to the churches we had abandoned to pick up from where we left sharing public money with their pastors in exchange for them giving us the pulpit to talk to their congregation about Raila Odinga. This is the win-win formula that we had been talking about from the beginning.
Pastors who shall start benefitting from this new-found love of the Kenya Kwanza government to the church should remember that Lent is a time when Christians around the world are invited to pray, fast, and share with the needy and those benefitting from this programme must prepare to emulate the passion of Christ by dying for the Kenya Kwanza government on the cross when the time comes in 2027.
We are still looking for the two government thieves who shall make the cast complete when the time comes, and we promise they will not be the big fishes whose names Kenyans have been screaming about since the Kenya Kwanza government came into power.
As the Pastors who shall benefitting from this newly-launched social protection programme will be walking to Golgotha to die for Kenya Kwanza sins, the government equally expects all Kenyans to walk with us to their individual mobile money accounts and die for our greed.
Since Kenya became a sovereign nation in 1963, never in our collective memory have we had a Godly lot of patriotic Kenyans who were born ready to empty their pockets to help the government tighten the screw on them.
Many hustlers might not appreciate the difficult job the Kenya Kwanza government has done to ensure the voiceless in society pay the government for giving them a voice to talk about their daily suffering openly.
When we promised to make Kenya a democratic country where no man or woman should feel their voices do not matter in the running of the affairs of the government, our competitors ridiculed us and spread propaganda saying how we never supported the new constitution. One and half years later, you can see them cowering whenever Kenyans come out openly to tell us to stop stepping on their toes something they could not do when they had shoes during the previous administration.
As we join all Christians during this spiritual period of fasting and praying, and in line with returning Kenya back to the body of Christ, the government wishes to inform all Kenyans that we have invited international superstar Benny Hinn to kick start our Kenya Kwanza Lenten campaign 2027 at a massive prayer rally in Nyayo Stadium next week, where all Kenya kwanza government officials will be in attendance to repent their sins, cry to God not to abandon them.
Indeed, since we brought down the Bible at the Kasarani Stadium slightly more than one year ago, we have been asking ourselves why Kenyans have been angry at us yet we are not the ones who made Harambee Stars not qualify for the Africa Cup of Nations 2023.
However, we are currently working on modalities to ensure that our government does not die before we host AFCON 2027, and that includes supporting Raila Odinga for the Chairmanship of the African Union for him to go speak to the Confederation of African Football (CAF) officials who may have been watching the videos of our campaign lies and might be having trust deficit with our bid.
We are truly indebted to the Department of Faith Diplomacy at the Office of the First Lady who have been listening to your views on how best we can bring back the fear of God chosen leaders and we came to the conclusion that because local prophets who were elected by God in 2022 are no longer respected, we have chosen to go international in line with the Biblical teachings in the Book of Mark 6:4; “A prophet is honoured everywhere except in his hometown and with his own people and in his own home.”
Based on this latest revelation, and in line with the latest gold standard of good governance, international faith diplomacy will now join the international monetary fund (IMF) in lending expert advice to the hustler government as we let local experts take a break from the beating they have been receiving from the Ethics and Anti-Corruption Commission (EACC) who have lately embarked on questioning the integrity of their academic papers.
Indeed, if the local State House intercessors – who have been conducting nationwide prayer rallies to pray for our President to maintain his flashy lifestyle as the country sleeps hungry – can longer inspire the confidence of their flock as to justify their continued stay in the monthly stipend roster, there was need for the government to resort to making deals with international evangelists, just like we did with the G-to-G oil deal when local oil marketing companies no longer had the dollars to spare for us when we needed them the most.
