william ruto swearing in photo rachel

President William Ruto and his wife Rachel at Kasarani Stadium, Nairobi, during his swearing-in ceremony.

| Dennis Onsongo | Nation Media Group

Government will not put down the Bible to serve Kenyans because God comes first

The hustler government wishes to bring to the attention of the general public that we have received the results of a certain opinion poll conducted among hustlers about the state of our economy in which our God-chosen government has been painted black in anticipation of a burial that is yet to be announced, and for which we receive with utmost humility because we campaigned on the platform of respecting God’s will.

We would like to take this earliest opportunity to thank all our supporters who agreed to speak freely to the pollsters knowing the repercussions of such candid feedback to the fate of their government shareholding status, especially to hustlers who are yet to receive the freedom we promised them was coming tomorrow.

That those who voted for our God-chosen government can be free to air their grievances without fear of an unmarked Subaru Outback pulling up at their gates, points to the trust that hustlers still have for their favourite God-chosen supreme leader in protecting their constitutional right to free speech even though we can neither confirm nor deny that we will not hesitate to withdraw their security and leave them to be protected by the blood of their clever mouths.

For trusting their frustration with strangers and exposing our nakedness at the speed in which the freedom we had promised them has turned into a living nightmare, we would like to encourage them to keep emulating Jesus at the Garden of Gethsemane while staring at the reality of later crucifixion, in solidarity with them by shouting to God, ‘Eloi, Eloi, why have you abandoned your 2022 political project?’

While we receive the results of the opinion poll with a pinch of salt, we take utmost cognisance of the fact that those who voted for us have turned out to be the most disillusioned with the state of affairs in the country as it is today. As you can tell, it was not our intention to make enemies with hustlers this early into our new government of those who love the Lord, but since we are in the holy month of advent where God’s messengers have been sent to deliver the good news to all expecting the birth of the Messiah, we have no option but to reply to all prophets doing the Lord’s work that, ‘we are just humble servants of the Lord, may His will be done.’

In that damning report that we have chosen to read in bits to give us time to internalise the gravity of the writing on the wall, we have been made aware of the euphoria that greeted the election of our God-chosen hustler president just over a year ago, in which we made promises that ranged from giving all hustlers the remaining half-a-loaf that had been taken from them by the handshake brothers who lived inside the State House bakery, to building world class stadiums in six months’ time, which is historic.

We’re aware there exists the greatest disappointment since the promises we had given in the run-up to the August 9, 2022 general election have largely remained on top of our sunroofs thinking hustlers would forget. Instead, they have not only reminded us of the sharp rising cost of living that is currently threatening to turn them into fire-breathing monsters, but also told us to arrest the high fuel prices like the police does to hustlers when they’re found exercising their sense of smell with certain holy vegetation bestowed to them by Mother Nature.

In the Tifa Research survey, which we are still consuming its contents like the eating machines we are, it was found that our supporters were the most disappointed with the government’s performance. According to our God-chosen hustlers, they believe we have performed poorly in tackling the cost of living, creating jobs and fighting corruption; and we’re grateful no one mentioned the debacle that greeted the KCPE 2023 results, nor the Sh17billion edible oil that has since been cleared to mingle freely in their kitchens as we wait to hear someone coughing in a manner likely to suggest that the results had started streaming in from the Ministry of Health disease surveillance portal.

While the hustler government may not have been surprised by the results of the Tifa research findings documenting the lamentations by our supporters asking what became of our key pledge to face the cost of living in the eye and remind it that the devil is a liar, we would like to alert our supporters that we are yet to put down the Bible in order to begin work as we had promised on inauguration day one year ago. This is due to the fact that we have since realised we may need to keep holding the Holy Book up in the air as it is the only constant item inside the State House prayer room for our intercessors to pray for light rain, loving spouses, and salty borehole water to turn into the miracles of the Lord.

We have made this painful decision to keep holding onto the Bible and never put it down, because the Angel of the Lord has informed us that even though we won the elections and ashamed those who didn’t believe in God, there is still work to do to spread the gospel of the Lord across all nations and we cannot do this if we put the Bible down.

For those 84-per cent of hustlers who told the Tifa research team that their financial situation has deteriorated in the past one year since we took over office, we hope you’re happy now seeing the backlash we’re getting from all corners by those who trusted us to upgrade them from owning vegetable stalls into owning five-star hotels with warm baths to say sorry to their bodies for the things the children of dynasty put them through.

If there is little evidence that hustlers are currently enjoying success under our God-chosen regime, it is because the Kenya Power & Lighting Company (KPLC) have also decided to collude with Uhuru Kenyatta to switch off the backup generators at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport (JKIA) to make the rest of Kenyans look bad in the eyes of our neighbours.