Edible oil

'The hustler government thanks KEBS for finding the long-lost cure for the imported 125,000 metric tonnes of edible oil.'

| Courtesy | AFP

Only regime shareholders are allowed to offer advice on the edible oil scandal

The hustler government wishes to sincerely thank the Kenya Bureau of Standards (KEBS) food and nutrition department for finding the long-lost cure for the imported 125,000 metric tonnes of edible oil they had previously blacklisted for human consumption, just in time for hustlers traveling to the village for Christmas to grab their affordable oil and go spread the good news about the miracles of our God chosen government.

For considering the plight of hustlers who have no money to import their own clean oil, the hustler nation has sent the name of KEBS Chief Executive Officer Esther Ngari to the National Honours and Awards Committee for consideration for Moran of the Burning Spear medal, for her bravery and steadfastness in standing firm against intimidation from edible oil cartels who have been putting pressure on her to resign from holding public office and go play with people’s lives at her home.

Civil servants like Ms Ngari are like the Mau Mau freedom fighters who refused to live on their knees so as to make those who didn’t mean well for the country happy.

They instead dived deep into the thick forest, braving government informers colluding with our enemies to finish them, before coming back out triumphant and while saving the entire country in the process.

Any man calling for her sacking just because they’re intimidated by strong women, should know that we’re currently commemorating the annual 16 days of activism against gender based violence (GBV) and all men who still haven’t come to terms with the realisation that women can also be leaders should go to Meru County and witness the world class one-cow-per-household program where beneficiaries must first endure a searing lecture to all those opposing the Governor’s leadership before being railroaded to smile for the cameras as the husband disapproves the widely misinformed prejudice, by enemies of progress, that Kenyan men are not romantic.

We wish to bring to the attention of the entire country that – contrary to the emerging accusations that Ms Ngari was pressured by powerful forces within the corridors of power to withdraw the earlier letter that had declared the Sh16 billion edible oil shipment unfit for human consumption – it is impossible for anyone working in the hustler government to be weak and spineless because if we were to stop and respond to everyone throwing stones at us, we wouldn’t have retrieved last year’s election results from the jaws of defeat when all the odds were stacked against us.

From the foregoing confirmation, this issue still remains a hot button topic that has refused to go away even with the intervention of the standards body, you wonder why hustlers have stopped taking advantage of the affordable housing scheme to apply for menial jobs and stop idle gossiping inside toxic dens where those who voted for us spread unsubstantiated propaganda hoping we would fall not knowing we have God and a new appetite.

Whereas it’s the duty of KEBS to offer a firm assurance that no one has been arm-twisted to look the other way as the product gains reentry into the market through the front door, the hustler government will not sit back and watch those who did not vote for us accusing KEBS officials of cutting deals while not caring about the health of our citizens.

Assuming that was the case, have these critics asked themselves what will happen to our voters were we to harm them and they stopped going to the booth to vote for us? In which world would a miracle working Godly man to jeopardize his re-lection chances by feeding his voters bad oil instead of five loaves of bread and two fishes?

We may be mean-spirited to hustlers sometimes, even slap them with taxes we did not include in our pre-election campaign manifesto as they wail in Jesus’ name, but stretching these ill-mannered government tendencies to include innocent civil servants who have no managerial responsibility other than cutting ribbons and getting dipped in confetti – is to whistle in the dark without look for mouths where there are none.

On behalf of all tenderprenuers who have brought joy to those who looking for Christmas bargains on supermarket shelves, we wish to remind all CEOs of parastatals to continue doing the Lord’s work of awarding tenders to those who invested their hard-earned money in financing the hustler nation campaigns last year.

We’d love to urge you to ignore the croaking sounds of those frogs every time you check into the river to fetch the Godly waters that will solve your thirst problems for as long as the government is ours. From the foregoing, we’d like to urge you not to be afraid when enjoying your returns on investment, because even the Bible says, in the Parable of the Talents, that only those who give back more than they received shall enter the Kingdom of heaven.

We wish to remind those who did not vote for us that they have no shares in this government and, therefore, cannot teach us how to run a government they don’t know how it was built. The hustler government would rather be abandoned by those who voted for us and be left with God alone, because we know only God’s vote will rescue us after being written off like they did in 2022.