Single mums: How we became heads of our families

According to the Kenya Demographic and Health Survey 2022, households led by women in urban areas have increased from 27 per cent in 2014 to 31 per cent.

We speak to three women who had partners heading their households by the time the 2014 survey was done but have since experienced a shift in roles. They preferred to be identified by only their first names.

Florence

“I have been married for 32 years. I dropped out of school in Standard Seven because my parents were too poor to educate me. I later got married and we relocated from his home in Keumbu (Kisii County) to Nairobi where he was working as a waiter,” she says. 

“Years later, he joined college for a hotel management course and got a job as a manager in one of the big hotels in Nairobi. We were covered by his health insurance. It really helped when my children fell sick or I had a toothache.

“For more than 10 years, he worked at the hotel, he took very good care of us.  He always did shopping and cleared our children’s school fees in time. I supplemented his income with my grocery earnings. 

“I have five children, but my eldest son hustled on his own to pay university fees. He graduated last year. He is currently hustling. My second child is a daughter. She also completed a course in hotel management. She is married but she is unemployed. 

“Sadly, his job came to an end in 2020 during the hit of Covid-19. The loss was like a bomb hitting us. My earnings can’t pay rent. I’m only lucky that we had bought a plot in Embakasi East (identity of specific area withheld on her request) and built a house, although it’s not yet fully furnished, I thank God that I don’t carry the burden of paying rent. Having the house has saved us the shame of going back to the village. By now I’d be dead from the stress of constant ridicule from villagers.

“I’m already stressed though. Everything now is on me. From buying electricity tokens to paying water bills and shopping for everything in the house. I cannot afford to miss a day at the grocery except on Saturday when I go to church. Even when I’m sick, I drag myself to the stall, otherwise we will sleep hungry.”

Gladys

“I’m a journalist. I live in Nairobi. In 2013, I got married to a computer science lecturer (name of the university withheld).  We had our first child, a son, in 2018. From then on, things started going downhill,” she begins.

“He was emotionally and financially abusive. He would withdraw talking with me for a week or so after I asked him for money to buy either diapers or baby formula. He’d give me Sh1,000 and leave a note on the table directing me to budget it for the month. 

“Before we had a child, he was good. He pampered me without complaining. I didn’t know what was happening. I sought guidance from a counselor friend. He told me men respond differently to the arrival of a newborn. He asked me to give him time, he’d come back to his senses.

“I waited for a whole year. He never changed. Instead he worsened. He dumped all his responsibilities on me. He stopped paying rent and the nanny. He forgot about water and electricity bills. Sometimes, he’d disappear for a week whenever I reminded him to pay rent. I was hurting deeply. I’d spend all my salary and start calling my brothers and sisters, begging for money.

“A friend later told me he was seeing another woman not far from where we lived.  I didn’t have the energy to fight for him. I was mentally drained and my self-esteem was at its lowest.  I was falling behind at work. My concentration was destroyed but I had to keep the job, otherwise my son would suffer the most.  To relieve myself of the pain, I’d lock myself in the toilet at work and cry out.

“It reached a point where I summoned myself to a meeting and asked myself: ‘Why am I giving this man so much power? He is going to completely destroy me.’ That evening, I called my brother and asked him to find me a house and help me move out.

“I’m at peace now. I take care of all the needs in the house. He does not chip in at all, although he visits his son whenever he feels like.”

Grace

“I met my husband in 2006 while I ran my sister’s paraffin kiosk in Kisii town. He was then a matatu driver but very disciplined. Every evening, he would pass by to buy paraffin and head straight home. I know others who wasted money on alcohol,” she says.

“In 2008, I joined Kamagambo Teachers Training College for a Certificate in Primary Teacher Education and a year later he got a job in Kisumu, driving long haul vehicles. 

“He had only completed Four Four and the education difference never rose as an issue. He had a house in Kisumu, so I’d visit him often.

“He was very supportive. He assured me that I would only get pregnant after completing my course. True to his word, I got pregnant in 2011 after graduating. I moved in with him. That was it. Marriage. After delivery, we went to both our parents to make our marriage official.

“He treated me very well, but we clashed a lot. I’d propose an idea like buying land and he would claim I wanted to topple him as the head of the household because I’m more educated than him.

“I’d encourage him to go back to school to specialise in mechanical engineering but that was still a problem. He’d say I’m making decisions on his behalf because I’m more enlightened.

“It was too much. I got fed up. One day I collected a few of my belongings and those of my son and went to my sister in Kisii. She later got me a teaching job in Kisumu at a private school and I’m happily taking care of my son.”

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