How being a single mum changed my dating life

What is the most common misconception that Kellen, a dating single mother-of-two, faces? “That I am looking for a replacement father for my children,” she says. “They already have a father. He may not be as involved in their lives but he is still their father. I am just looking for an adult companion.”

To illustrate the fact that her children are not a package deal to every man that she dates, she says that all her relations with men are so tentative and measured that in the three years she has been single since her separation, she has not introduced a single man she dated to her children because she says she has not felt certain about a future in any relationship she has had so far.

Even under the best of circumstances, dating is difficult. Throw into the picture a single woman with a child or two and to a single man, especially one without children of his own, it may seem like a daunting task.

Most of the women that Saturday Magazine spoke to have no qualms dating a single father, with some even admitting to finding the notion of dating a man who is juggling between work and looking after a child wildly attractive.

THE MYTHS

The men, on the other hand, appeared to have hang-ups about being in a relationship with a single mother. When we spoke to single women with children, their truths seemed to be the exact opposite of the expectations of the men that date them.

Saturday Magazine undertook a small survey of 18 men aged between 21 and 41. From this survey, the consensus for the average single man seems to be that dating a single mother equals skating on thin ice.

When asked whether or not they would have reservations about dating a single mother, most of the male subjects did not seem to have an issue with taking her out on dates. Problems seemed to surface at the idea of getting to the serious relationship stage. Men over 30 seemed more accepting of the single woman with children.

If a progressive relationship was to come into play, more than half of them expressed concern that the average single mother already has a ready-made family and might be looking for a father figure for these children and is, thus, dying to settle down.

Six of them imagined that she must come with baby daddy drama or interference, while two thought that most of these women are irresponsible, thus her children are likely to be delinquents.

“I have dated a single mother and I would consider marrying her if she had only one child. What I am worried about is that the child would reject me. That would make for a very difficult marriage,” says Arthur, a 30-year-old IT specialist in Nairobi.

All these opinions were also pegged on the woman’s financial status. Most of them seemed more willing to pursue a serious relationship with her if she was financially stable but shied away if she was broke.

On taking a closer look, it becomes apparent that these hang-ups are based on pre-conceived notions which may not be necessarily true. Mumbua, a single mother of a two-year-old boy, is not surprised by these notions as she made similar assumptions about single women with children before she became one. She had just turned 23 when her son was born and she notes that she became much stronger as a person afterwards.

“The idea that I am desperate and looking for someone to rescue me is the exact opposite of the truth. I have learnt to be self-sufficient and owing to my failed relationship, I am really picky as I do not want to repeat past mistakes.”

NO TICKING CLOCK

Ngina, a 29-year-old mother-of-one, says that she does not have trouble meeting men who want to date her. The problem is that once she says that she is a mother, her dates seem to think that she is easy to bed. “I have had a man expecting me to go home with him on a first date,” she reveals.

She says that the “damaged goods” notion of a single mother being ready to settle for anyone who will have her could not be further from the truth. If anything, she says, she is more cautious now than she was in her childless days.

She is solely responsible for another human being now, meaning that all her relations do not just affect her. The way she sees it, the fact that she has already had a child ought to be a plus because it means that she is more relaxed about the pace her relationships take as she is not under pressure to beat the biological clock.

“I will not nag a man about where the relationship is going, but should he feel ready to take it to the next level, he can already see what kind of mother I am. He doesn’t have to guess,” she says.

DIFFERENT PLAYING FIELD

When Annie, 34, was new to single motherhood, dating was daunting. Like most fresh single mothers, she was torn between being a loving mother and being a single woman in need of love. Even when she finally found her footing and became easier on herself about getting back into the dating field, she was afraid that she would not get someone who would love and accept her children.

When children are involved, it means that a relationship takes different dimensions and subsequently, it becomes a different dating field altogether. Unlike her single, childless days, she observes, she is confident in her relationship needs and will only keep a man around if the relationship is good for her and her children.

“The game is vastly different. My hands are full, I have less time for leisure, and I don’t have time to play games. A man will not have to guess whether I like him or not,” she says.

It appears that to successfully date a single woman with children, a man needs to have patience and also to be flexible. When children are in the picture, dating means planning in advance. This means no spur-of-the-moment dates for Annie. Similarly, a man needs to get used to the fact that she may cancel a planned date at the last minute to attend to a sick child.

Also, she prefers that her dates do not meet her children until she makes a commitment, she prefers to drive herself or to catch the bus to the meeting place. She does not allow dates to pick her up from her house.

Amid all these rules and planning, she admits that dating as a single mother is harder. Children come with responsibilities and most potential dates will see this as baggage.

The upside of her erratic schedule, she says, is that she aims to enjoy herself to the full when she does have time for a date. “Do not hide the fact that you are a mother from the onset. Also, communicate openly and discuss with your love interest exactly what you expect from each other from day one,” she counsels.

DATING DEAL BREAKERS FOR SINGLE MOTHERS

A single mother is bound to be more patient or understanding in a relationship. Even then, rubber can only stretch so far before it snaps. What are some of the things that she cannot overlook in a relationship set up?

FALSE COMPASSION

Seeing as a woman will expect her love interest to get along with her child or children, a man courting a single mother may be tempted to feign interest in her children to get through to her. Should she sense any of this pretence, Kellen says that she will immediately suspect an ulterior motive.

“I do not expect a man to instantly fall in love with my children. I, however, expect him to be genuine and sincere,” she explains.

CHILDREN IN COMMON

“I have met quite a number of single dads who assume that we will get along because both of us have children,” says Ngina. She has also had friends and relatives trying to fix her up with this man or the other on the basis that he also has a child or children.

In her view, having children in common does not make one a potential match and a when a man pursues her on this basis, she loses interest fast.

BOUNDARIES

For Mumbua, it is very important that a love interest understands that her child plays a pivotal role in her life. She speaks of a man she dated who got upset when she got off the phone with him to attend to her son. She says she knew instantly that this relationship could not work.

On the flip side, she will not date a man who pressures her to involve him in her child’s life. When it comes to her child, she prefers it if he follows her lead.

SEEING ONLY SINGLE MUMS

Annie acknowledges that there are men out there who will espouse a woman and her children without hesitation and she has great respect for these. When a man however states that he is exclusively seeking single mothers, she takes a huge step back. “It’s disturbing.”