On femicide, stop shaming and start protecting

It’s a Friday evening and a group of men are having a drink at 9pm, and one decides to go home to his wife and children.

The friends deride his decision, claiming he is henpecked and suffers from “wife-o-phobia”. Some even claim that his wife beats him whenever he gets home after a certain hour.

This is a common narrative but which I don’t buy. There are men who are just wired that way.

The moment he leaves, the friends start discussing instances when his wife actually “beat him up” and even locked him out of the house. Sounds familiar?

Such comments may seem minor but reinforce dangerous attitudes. The ‘jokes’ reflect harmful gender stereotypes that we must challenge.

This mocking assumption implies that domestic violence by the wife is acceptable or funny, and diminishes healthy relationships between spouses.

It demeans men who want to be present partners and fathers.

To the mocked men, take pride in being responsible rather than feel shame.

It is such stereotypes that make men who experience gender-based violence (GBV) at the hands of their wives or girlfriends remain silent.

The stigma that follows such revelations is unbearable. A few men who dare speak up are tormented by their community.

It is a fact that men experience GBV, but the mockery, including the stereotypical bar talk, would not allow them to speak up. The end result? They suffer in silence.

Similar are the talks that blame femicide victims. It is despicable to blame women for the GBV perpetrated against them.

The responsibility lies solely with the abuser.

When we shame survivors, ask what they did to provoke it, claim they should have left sooner, we re-traumatise them and embolden perpetrators.

Victim blaming must stop. As a society, we need to provide compassion, support and justice to women facing abuse, not amplify pain through misplaced condemnation.

The only behaviour warranting criticism here is that of the abuser. Period.

Sample these comments I picked from social media, verbatim, following the rising cases of femicide in the country:

• "Do women ever learn? Even a week is not gone after a certain Starlet Wahu lady perished in a Nairobi based Airbnb. Another one from an Airbnb was again spotted in Thika Road’s TRM Drive! Ladies, you’ve decided to sacrifice yourselves for the bag?"
• "On this Airbnb, ladies should know no regular man you have never met before is going to give you Ksh 20,000 "per night", and to make it worse, in a poorly lit Airbnb, among rentals in a place like TRM Drive when he can get the same at Ksh 200 some other place. Utakufa vibaya!"
• "Shaffie Weru warned ladies against going out with strangers but they didn't listen.... Our ladies should know that the moment you eat someone's money you should be ready to dance to their tune."

The nerve! Another discussion that has run on social media is that men, too, are GBV victims, yet no one raises the alarm. Ahem! While it is a fact and cases remain underreported because of shame or stigma, women disproportionately experience the vice.

Again, most men fear speaking up, concerned that they will appear unmanly.

So much has been said and done to end femicide, but having men as allies is the game changer.

The men condemning and judging female victims must call out misogyny. They ought to model healthy behaviours for the younger generation of men.

Their judgement should not be biased; they should believe women's reports of violence and abuse. Their wives, mothers, sisters and daughters deserve to feel safe. The buck stops with them.

We must all speak out to change cultural attitudes and legal systems that perpetuate this national disaster. Men’s action and advocacy are crucial to protect women’s lives.

Women's rights advocates will continue to push for progress. However, true change requires men’s active participation in building a world with no tolerance for misogyny, abuse or violence against women and girls.

Ultimately, violence is unacceptable against any human being. Gender equality means eliminating harm and fear for all.

As we address violence against women, efforts should also raise awareness of male victimisation.

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