Does silent suffering of women underpin successful marriage?

Marriage is formal, social, and sacred, idealised as a place of love, respect, and faith between two people with distinct identities, personalities, and cultures. The partners must balance one another's strengths and shortcomings in this intricate structure. History has debated and analysed marriage.

Traditional roles and cultural expectations state that women are the main caretakers and have a far larger role in marriage than males, who are more authoritative.

Traditional marriages have required women to follow patriarchal traditions and put their partner's interests before their own, frequently ignoring their own wants. This idea still influences marriage today.

Read: Mantalk: Why marriage works only in the village

Thus, women's subjugation in marriage is common, and these issues are often buried, perpetuating the cycle of unheard, unseen suffering women endure, highlighting the role of women in maintaining marital harmony by remaining indifferent to prejudice and mistreatment.

So, returning to the previous question, “Does the cornerstone of a successful marriage lie in the quiet sorrows of women?” If this were to happen, would the marriage be considered truly successful?

Women have endured millennia of mistreatment and relegation to domestic duties, depriving them of equality, autonomy, and recognition as distinct personalities, leading to feelings of loneliness, frustration, and sorrow. Historical perspectives have reinforced the belief that strong marriages need women to sacrifice. Culture has influenced women's marriage roles.

They do not get romantic attention from their spouse. Given the importance women place on emotional connections, losing such a connection can be incredibly difficult to cope with.

Read: Every marriage is pregnant with divorce, let’s leave room for the latter

In Kenya, the issue at hand is not westernisation but rather the dynamics within these marriages, where one person held a position of dominance while the other was subordinate. These traditional marriages were never successful from the start.

Silent suffering can manifest as emotional neglect; undervaluation; financial dependence; power imbalance; physical, emotional, or psychological abuse of women; limited freedom; etc.

This started the cycle of repression, anguish, deprivation, and constant struggle, carried down through generations of trauma. The agony endures across generations and periods.

Even when both couples work full-time, women undertake more emotional and domestic work than men, according to studies. Sadly, these challenges go unreported, adding to their hidden suffering and perpetuating the assumption that marital success depends on how successfully women perform these responsibilities.

Read: Is marriage still worth it?

Recent decades have seen increased divorce rates worldwide and domestically, reflecting changes in society's views, legal systems, and individual expectations about marriage and relationships.

Many feel this surge is due to women's rising independence, which is questioning and redefining gender norms. While other variables lead to divorce, women endure greater public scrutiny than men when ending an unhappy relationship.

Gender-based oppression has always plagued Kenyan women. We're so used to seeing women abused that we no longer consider it abuse.

Our understanding of abuse is shallow; the word has a deeper connotation. We've all heard that home-cooked meals are better and cheaper than restaurant food, but we frequently neglect to consider our moms’ and spouses’ effort. We eat inexpensive home-cooked cuisine while watching debates at 8pm as the women labour hard.

Read: Here’s the recipe for a long and happy marriage

These minor components of daily life have remained undisturbed for years, but the impact of these women has gained momentum, prompting us to think or speak about them. Even the smallest everyday situations, which we often forget, reflect this reality. For example, most children don't shy away from raising their voices at their mothers but fear and respect their fathers.

This is the result of patriarchal thinking.

People exploit women selfishly and foolishly for their endless riches, just like Mother Earth does. They provide selflessly and suffer quietly, despite their people's indifference. This defines femininity.

Unfortunately, we still live in a culture that hates empowerment, deems women inferior to males, and expects them to bear everything with a smile. Being a part of a culture that views women as inferior and views a modern, self-reliant woman who understands her rights and can speak up as a threat to society, the home, and marriage.

Read: Silence that kills a marriage

Society may perceive a marriage as successful if it has lasted for years without divorcing, but a strong partnership requires mutual support and respect. A healthy and fulfilling marriage necessitates that both parties work together to overcome problems, develop a meaningful relationship, and have a bright future.

Most people blame failed marriages on women's independence. Many women in a society that venerates female gods for their power and heroism face stereotypes of being doormats and punching bags at home. Strong women encounter prejudice. Leaders applaud men's bravery but criticise women's.

Does a woman's choice to speak up in a culture that encourages her to suffer quietly cause marital problems? Looking around, reflecting on the past, hearing the silences you left out, and talking to her may reveal the raw wounds she conceals while suffering; it's all part of the solution.

Women are “nurturer, creator, warrior, dreamer, bold, resilient, vulnerable, ferocious and everything subsuming; the sort of flower that shouldn't be plucked but deserves to carry on blooming”.

The writer is a veteran journalist and freelance writer based in Brampton, Canada.