When the woman is the older one in the relationship
Relationships expert Benjamin Zulu says that chauvinists link age to leadership. Hence they fear that when the woman is older she will not be controlled or tamed.
When Waithira’s* fiancé proposed to her, at first she was conflicted because the guy was two years younger than her. The uncertainty emanated from the society’s judgmental attitudes about age gaps, however small, when the woman is older.
True to her fears, her future mother-in-law fought her at first, saying she had coerced her beloved son into marrying her because age was catching up with her and she needed to settle down.
Certainly, Waithira’s fiancé was questioned by his mother for not getting a woman his age or even younger.
“It was tough. He had to stand up for me and make it clear to his mother that he loved me and engaging me was purely his decision.”
Sentiments that the man was refusing to grow up, that Waithira would be tough on him and ‘atakaliwa’ (he will be ‘sat on’) were expressed by his close friends and family alike.
“Many a people think that my fiancé is not hardworking and that I will be the one taking all the responsibilities. This is not true. Age is just a number, as they say. It all depends on the person’s maturity and compatibility with you.”
The 28-year-old, who is set to wed in May this year, reveals that the age gap works in her favour and that the man constantly feels the need to prove himself.
“You get to enjoy everything in double measure. You know he already feels intimidated.”
Ageism
Relationships expert Benjamin Zulu says that chauvinists link age to leadership. Hence they fear that when the woman is older she will not be controlled or tamed.
“Younger women are presumed weaker and they can be subdued to submission. Those bigoted men feel authoritative in the house.”
But Mr Zulu says that a man’s mental maturity, at age 30 and above, should be the point of focus rather than his age.
“If you feel comfortable around him and he has proved to you that he can be a man who can cater for you, be responsible for you, spoil you, shower affection and love towards you, then do not chase that good man away. It's easy to find a fling but difficult to find a life partner.”
Generation gap
All the same, Mr Zulu cautions that an age gap of above 10 years can end up bringing misery between lovers.
Owing to the generational gap, Mr Zulu says, the relationship will be more of a mother and son rather than a romantic one.
“Love is emotional and with such a huge age gap, the woman will view all her man’s deeds as childish and the couples’ compatibility will be threatened every single time.”
Mr Zulu also says that people in a relationship whose age gap is above 10 years often experience a parental figure hunger.
“For instance, if the guy’s mother was not present in his life while growing up, he might incline into older women so as to quench from the lover what his mother failed to offer.”
Church view
Rev Josphat Musili, the senior pastor at AIC Jericho, says he can turn a blind eye to the age gap but sometimes he has to talk with the man separately just to find out if he is not oblivious of the implications that come with the age difference.
The marital counsellor, who has guided many couples and officiated at weddings, says age is based more on psychology and not biblical principles.
But he admits that he may differ with couples whose age difference is beyond three years.
“With such an age gap, the man is not reading from the same script with the lady on life issues.”
