Sam is a 47-year-old divorcee who admits that he does not date any woman above the age of 24. He got divorced 10 years ago, after a five-year-old marriage that bore one child, and he categorically states that he is only attracted to females in their early 20s. 

Why, I ask him.

“Women in their late 20s are a ticking time bomb. Every minute takes them closer to their 30s where everything goes downhill and they get closer to being alone for the rest of their lives with hundreds of cats,” says Sam. He categorises women in their late 20s as being in the zone of anxiety and those above 30s in the zone of bitterness. 

Sam, speaks with no filters and will tell you exactly what he thinks — void of all emotions and social values. He is unmoved as to what others think about his dating preferences and his attitudes toward older females. 

“It’s what it is! I have no apologies,” he declares unapologetically. 

According to him, society pressures women in their late 20s to settle down and gets into the fun of dating. “They are looking for a husband. They have seen their friends getting married, and their families are starting to ask questions. So when they meet you all they are thinking is: ‘Are you the one?’ ‘Are you committed?’ ‘Will my dad like you?’  ‘When are you going to propose?’” Sam shares.  

"It is a lot of pressure. Who wants that! The fun of just dating is gone,” Sam says. 

The banker will also not touch any woman above 30, because he says they have a compounded set of issues, a lot of baggage like children, and still have a secret desire to get hitched, while hating on all men. 

“Each time they meet men they think: ‘Are you going to hurt me? Are you another loser? Are you another time waster? What are your issues? Why haven’t you settled down yet? Or why did you get divorced?’” Sam shares his stereotypes. 

Sam who says he prefers light-hearted fun adds that women above 30 are too competitive for his liking. “A number of single women in their 30s today are very successful in their own right thus I even have to prove my intellectual and business success. I want a woman, not a colleague. I get plenty of stress and competition at work,” he says. 

It’s the era of cross-generational relationships. Well, actually, they have always been there since the history of romantic relationships but now, they are being flaunted. The set-up today is men above their 40s dating women in their early 20s.

This debate once again came to the fore when netizens the world over could not have enough discussions on US movie star Leonardo DiCaprio for his penchant for dating young lasses. You see, the Titanic star, now 47, is known for his preference for women under the age of 25. The buzz began when he broke up with his girlfriend Camila Morrone just weeks after her 25th birthday continuing his trend of keeping his dates under 25. Hot on the heels of this breakup, the actor was spotted in the company of 22-year-old model Maria Beregova.

Research shows that, at all ages, women prefer men who are close to them in age, while for men, the ideal age for women remains a consistent 22 years old. This is according to a 2011 research by WhatsYourPrice.com, a dating site that lets singles buy and sell first dates, had conducted a five-month study in order to determine the ideal age gap between a man and a woman.

51-year-old Wycliffe Waga is a typical example. The regional manager of an international manufacturer, admits to having a preference for women with whom he has startling age differences. He is currently in a come-we-stay relationship arrangement with a 24-year-old woman. They are raising a son together. Before this, he was in a five-year-long cohabiting relationship arrangement which ended when the woman was 26. Before that, he was briefly married to and had another son with a 22-year-old woman.

“I have had people tell me to my face that my relationship choices are disturbing. I don’t get it,” he says.

The way he sees it as long as a woman is of legal age and is able to make decisions regarding her life, he doesn’t see why other people should have such strong opinions about his choice. He admits that the ages of the women he has dated are not coincidental but intentional.

“My job is demanding and quite stressful so I like to date younger women because they are easygoing and easier to deal with. My relationships have been less confrontational and less stressful,” he explains.

For 46-year-old Nicholas Ngacha, dating a much younger woman is equivalent to having a serving of the sweet taste of youth. This Nairobi-based college lecturer is recently divorced. His ex-wife who is now 30 was his student aged 22 when they started dating. That relationship lasted seven years before running its course. Now he is in a relationship with a 27-year-old woman.

“The age of my women is a personal preference. With my now girlfriend, I feel as if I am re-living my youth,” says Nicholas who shares that he has no plans of remarrying.

For Ray Gachivi, a 45-year-old Mombasa-based business owner, top of the list of reasons why he has only ever dated women under the age of 30 is his physical needs. He explains, “From my experience, a younger unattached woman will be more carefree and also more spontaneous than say a 38-year-old mother with three children,” he says.

For him, the energy a woman gives off, her appearance, and her perspective toward life are important. These are things he has found attractive in younger women.

“That growing old together concept is just not my thing. Even when I am older, I want a younger woman on my arm,” he says.

The days of our forefathers

The average age gap in consensual heterosexual relationships is two to three years. With polygamy cooling off for some time due to the Christian faith, especially among the enlightened, cross-generational relationships were frowned upon. 

More recently though, polygamy and the ‘side-chick’ and the ‘mubaba’trend have seen the widespread acceptance of young women bedding much older men. 

Looking at it from an anthropological perspective, Nairobi based consulting anthropologist Bernard Moseti is of the view that this trend may be as a result of humans conforming to traditional tendencies.

The caveman, the men who came before modernisation and education, selected their partners based on reproductive success. A man went for the woman he thought most likely to ensure the continuation of his lineage. The features associated with fertility and virility are wide hips and youthfulness and could explain why men are generally attracted to younger women.

“It shouldn’t be a surprise that men are attracted to much younger women. It’s just that more of them are now actually pursuing those relationships,” he says.

Are we devaluing aging women?

Is this growing phenomenon of men dating women who are younger and younger just a case of simple personal preferences or is it a societal issue? Is the preference for men today a case of society devaluing aging women?

They say that works of art, music, and television shows are a true depiction of the things happening in the society. According to a  recent report from the Center for the Study of Women in Television and Film at San Diego State University in the US, only six percent of major television characters in films and shows the world over, are women above the age of 60. 

More research by the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media, a non-profit organisation working with the entertainment industry the world over to create a gender balance, just a quarter of the female characters on TV the world over are above the age of 50. Even then, those above 50 are more likely to be depicted as frumpy, feeble, and senile and home bound a sharp contrast to their male counterparts.

It’s no wonder that out here, older men are unwilling to date their age mates. 

“This may be caused by the fact that, historically, adult men would typically marry much younger girls. This was acceptable because females mentally mature faster than males, because men can have children until they are very old, while women cannot, and because the girl's family needs to know she will be marrying a successful man with a stable income and good resources, which is typically something that isn't attained until later in life,” quips Moseti. 

What the experts think

Nicholas Nasombi, a Nairobi-based counselling psychologist is skeptical of the man who claims that he dates much younger women because relationships with them are easy. He reckons that while cross-generational attraction can and does happen, it’s worth looking into if it is a pattern. The way he sees it, a man dating younger and younger is a man keen on a power play in a relationship. He could be looking for a woman who will admire him and whom he can mold and make him feel wanted and important.

“A man actively seeking younger partners is not looking for an equal partner. It is a case of power play.  Naturally, an older man will have more life experiences, possibly more money in the bank, and more influence while the woman is likely to be less aggressive. This means that he will not be called out for his bad behaviour or held accountable for the erring,” he says.

“If he is constantly looking for younger women, he is probably looking for a situation where there is an imbalance of power,” he says.

“The man who continually dates younger women could also have commitment issues. Younger women often are looking for short-term relationships making the perfect match for a man who is not looking to commit in the long term,” he adds.

Mr. Nasombi reckons that celebrity culture and the naked worship of wealth and extravagance could also be the other reason we have a growing number of men dating younger. In contrast to say a generation ago, there are more women in their early and mid-twenties looking to get into relationships with older, more stable men. This means that the man who dates younger has more options.

Then there is the sugar daddy-sugar baby phenomenon which is at an all-time high. The profile of a Kenyan sugar daddy is pretty straightforward. He is an older man with a lot of extra cash to spend. This man doesn’t look like he stumbles into these arrangements; for him, it is calculated. He has his reasons for wanting the company of younger women and he is clear about what he is willing to give in return. The profile of the sugar baby on the other hand seems fluid. The only thing that sugar babies have in common is that they are youthful. 

Is age just a number?

What is the inside of a relationship with a significant age gap like? Is age just a number or does it affect the relationship outcome? Age gap is hardly ever discussed in relationships until the gap becomes too big. According to recent research by Tehran University of Medical Sciences in Tehran, in a long-term relationship, relationship satisfaction diminishes when the age gap between a couple is larger than 10 years. This problem is usually brought about by social stigma that such couples often experience, them having different priorities or goals that do not align, and age-related health challenges for the older partner.

It is not all bad, though. According to American author Hunter Lee in his book Dating Younger Women for Men in Their 40s, 50s, and Beyond,relationships with large age gaps can be wonderful opportunities for personal growth. Due to the usually differing beliefs in cross-generational relationships, getting with a person in a different age group could mean learning to consider multiple perspectives on an issue or an experience.

What the women think

So we have heard the men and their reasons for wanting to dive into the generation Z dating pool. But what do these younger women in their early 20s think? Are they keen on jumping into relationships with men in their 40s and 50s?

Naz Wanjiru, 23, a university student, is indifferent when it comes to the age of a prospective date. 

“I don’t really care much for gender or age when it comes to dating. I date individuals and their personalities. So yes, I would date a man in his 50s if our personality clicked,” she says.

For Natalia O. 24, a photographer, while she isn’t actively looking to date older men, if a much older man ticks all her boxes, she would date him. When asked the highest age she would be willing to date, she says, “That depends on the credit score. Financial stability is important for me,” she says.

Seleiyan Nosim, 24 who has dated both men her age and those significantly older reckons that the choice depends on a woman’s needs.

“Dates with men my age are fun for sure but there are also things that I have only been able to get in relationships with older men. Like that sense of security, wisdom, and the fact that they can also act as mentors in your business and career. Oh and of course, they are more mature emotionally so there isn’t a lot of drama,” she says.

On whether this phenomenon is simply a matter of personal preferences or a societal problem, the jury is still out.