Why it’s time Kenyans did away with dowry

What would life be like if all sides involved in a wedding paid dowry for each other?

Almost like the way Indians do it, but more reciprocal. So at the negotiations (which most cultures have), the conversations will go like, ‘Our son has a degree!’ and the other side will go ‘Our daughter has one too!’ and then the degrees will cancel each other out, and no one is paying anything!

Then they’ll just keep competing on what can one-up the other, and then the balance of maybe one cow will be paid by one side, and keep costs manageable.

Then the cost of the cow can go to the mothers on both sides, or the after party to celebrate this union. Yes?

I wish we could do away with dowry completely, to be honest. Outside of its roots in patriarchy and sexism and an economy rapidly crumbling such that we can’t afford these luxuries, my main qualm against the dowry system is that we are not even doing it right.

Dowry, at its essence, is not meant to be a money-making venture. Nor is it meant to be a show of money and power. Nor is it meant to be about buying a human that you can now take home and do anything to and with.

In my culture, dowry is a token, a symbol, of the union between two families.

What usually happens then is that the dowry is worked out according to what a couple can afford, that is still respectful – and if the couple or the man and his family can’t afford anything at all, then it is what it is. Because at the end of the day, the money is being taken from a pool that will soon also belong to your daughter or son, is it not?

Anyway, if there is money, money will be given as a sign of respect. If there is a little bit more money, then a figure much larger than what is available is chosen. Why? Because the point is actually to NOT be able to pay it in one sitting.

The dowry is then paid over years and years, almost like instalments, to ensure that the new couple will come back to this home and continue to build the relationship, with a goat here, a chicken there, a payment here and there.

I love that system. I love that money is just a vehicle to forge the relationship, as opposed to the main goal. But we barely view it like that anymore.

I remember hearing about a church couple whose family insisted on a dowry to the tune of eight million – very Christ-like of them, to be sure -  and also insisted that it must be paid within the first year of the wedding. This couple was just starting out! Her family didn’t consider this, or consider that if the guy is the only one paying, she is suffering on the other side from things he can’t pay for in their home, no?

We need to be gentler towards our children, or we need to commit to eloping. That in itself is romantic as well – going against the grain, garnering the hatred of your family for years to come until you have a child or they get over it – it feels like a much smaller literal price to pay in exchange for peace of mind and wallet. In terms of weddings and traditions, you don’t owe anyone anything.

Also, as for this family of yours demanding exorbitant amounts – you know you can’t marry your uncle/father/brother, right? When they keep saying no and turning away your suitors at the door from some overinflated sense of responsibility, they’re not the ones who are going to marry you, it’s the people they keep selfishly turning away who are.

Those making your marriage extra difficult are usually married themselves! After ruining the dowry negotiations, they’re going home to cuddle someone and leave you to a path of singlehood they can’t relate to!