When the cause of a sexless relationship is — surprise! — the food

Agnes and her husband Nixon were at the sexology clinic to fix their sexless marriage. You see, while they started with sex three times a week in the first years of their marriage, this had trickled down to five times a year, in their 14th year of marriage. 

Medically a sexless marriage is one where sexual acts in a year are less than 15 despite a couple living together and not having a sexual problem that prevents intercourse. 

"The frequency has been worrying me," Agnes quipped, "It started falling five years ago."

"Nature takes its course, life has changed and we have to live with the realities of the changing times," Nixon, interjected to which Agnes got furious, blaming him for always being dismissive and not paying attention to important relationship issues making the family slid into disintegration. 

The couple was in their early forties. They had been married for 14 years and had three children. They came to the clinic on Agnes's insistence. She feared that the family was headed for a divorce, and that they had slowly been sliding apart and that the lack of sex was an indicator of worse things to come.

I explored with them possible reasons why their sex frequency was waning. All I could put a finger on was diminishing libido from both parties. I wondered if the low libido was a result of falling intimacy and went ahead to explore this line of thinking.

One thing struck me: the food habits of the family. The couple hardly ate at home and neither together. The house help prepared food that she ate with the children.

"So you mean each day you go separate ways for meals in restaurants and never eat at home?" I asked to reconfirm what I was hearing.

"We are both busy and we find time to eat wherever we are with workmates and friends and it has never been a problem," Nixon said.

"And on weekends he goes out with his boys and I go out with my girls and we eat out again," Agnes explained.

It hit me that the family's eating habits could have been the major factor in the death of their intimacy. Have you ever wondered why in some communities getting married is equated to offering to go and cook for your husband and why the man's role is seen as bringing food home for the woman to cook? The English surmised it as "the way to a man's heart is through the stomach". 

The importance of preparing food with your family, laying the table, congregating together, praying, serving food as you think of each other's needs; is a solemn undertaking that makes the kitchen and the dining tables holy grounds never to be avoided by families that want to remain united.

In religious families, congregating together over a meal can be equated to the Holy Communion. In none religious families, it is a solemn family ritual that makes lasting impressions in our minds.

But let us get back to the issue of intimacy, food, and sex. When you were dating you asked your spouse out. You not only shared a dining table, sometimes you ate on the same plate and drunk from the same bottle. As your intimacy increased, you fed each other. 

Sharing a meal with your spouse is a reassurance that you love them. It is a vote of confidence in the relationship. It is sharing personal space and a precursor to intimate moments.

"Intimate moments!" Agnes posed her eyes welling up.

"Nixon used to say that my cooking was not good, I felt undervalued and lost interest in cooking," she wiped her tears and shifted her gaze to the horizon.

"I now understand why some friends insist they have to eat at home. I am sorry that this has not been on my radar," Nixon said, obviously shaken by the outpour of emotions.

"So we talk so much about foreplay and the need for it but we never relate it to the eating habits of couples," I chipped in, "The act of meticulously preparing a meal for your spouse, serving, sharing the eating space, and feeding each other is part of foreplay and if you abandon them your sex lives dies off." 

And with that, the session ended and the couple left to go and soul search as they prepared for our next therapy session. 

Prof. Osur is a Kenya-based reproductive and sexual health expert and a reproductive rights advocate

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