Unrealistic expectations shaped by soaps

Cinderella, Snow White and Ariel from The Little Mermaid have two things in common: One is that they are fairy tales we grew up with. Two is that they were all damsels in some sort of distress who were rescued by their Prince Charmings. Their lives came to an end when they got married and lived ‘happily ever after’…

…and that is the subconscious impression that many women walk into adulthood with. The fairy tales don’t stop there. There are a multitude of movies and books that still feed these stereotypical, fantastical ideas to women about romance, love and lasting marriage – and some are guilty of believing that the fictional circumstances apply to real life.

We look at four movies or series that have done a great disservice to women by attempting to alter their perceptions – and sometimes dangerously so.

War Room

Released in August last year, War Room, a Christian movie by American producer Alex Hendrix has become a common prescription amongst Kenyan woman for all sorts of marital problems. Doesn’t matter what the problem is – infidelity, violence, absenteeism – all of it can be cured by watching War Room and applying its lessons, many Kenyan women believe.

The movie revolves around a couple, Elizabeth and Tony, whose marriage is strained. Elizabeth, a real estate agent, meets Miss Carla, an elderly woman, who tells her about the power of prayer. It is presumed that by the end of the movie, it is Elizabeth’s prayers that change Tony for the better.

First off, the “wandering husband of the long-suffering wife” is a theme many women can relate to, which explains its popularity. However, according to this script, it is the responsibility of a woman to change her man. The creators of the movie want women to believe that if she prays long and hard, then she can change a cheating or an abusive husband. In real life, however, women who don’t know when to walk away end up dead from severe domestic violence or sick from constantly being cheated on. 

Scandal

Now in its fifth season, this immensely popular American television show is a must-watch for many women. Its protagonist, Olivia Pope, is a strong black woman (which is a rarity in itself) who stands out for her business acumen, professionalism and effectiveness in a largely white male-dominated field – politics. However, and despite all her achievements, the key arc of the series focuses on the shenanigans in Olivia’s bedroom and the fact that she is the mistress of the president of America.

The problem with this is that it narrows all of Olivia Pope’s achievements to her sexuality. She is shown as most powerful when she is manipulating the president. In one episode of the latest season, she tells her father, “I have weapons at my disposal that you can only dream about.” This infers that women cannot use their brains as effectively as they can use their sexuality.

She has had the best education and she is intelligent but that is not enough. From a woman looking in from the outside, this may appear as power. The truth however, is that sex shouldn’t be a weapon. If used this way, it cheapens women.

50 Shades of Grey

It is almost laughable that this movie, which was banned by the Kenya Film and Classification Board in February last year, has been classified as a romance. What one sees is an unhealthy, emotionally and physically abusive relationship which is dressed in the guise of beautiful faces and glamorous lifestyles.

The movie, based on a book by author E.L. James, portrays Christian Grey as a man with a tumultuous past who doesn’t know how to love. He meets Anastasia, an impressionable, virginal (and virgin) university student who he lures into a sadomasochism arrangement.

A woman watching this movie might be misled into thinking that a relationship with a person who keeps you guessing is thrilling. The movie glorifies being dominated into doing things that hurt and things that you do not want to do, which is far from the ideal relationship that should feel warm and safe.

Halfway through the movie, we see Christian’s hard stance soften out of his interaction with Anna. This is a sharp contrast with the reality: No matter how well you love a dangerous man, you won’t be able to change him. 

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

This is another movie reinforcing the misguided belief that women need to be saved. This 2010 Tyler Perry production tells the story of April, a struggling nightclub singer who can only be described as a train wreck. April has no sense of family; she is always drunk and she is dating a married man. Then suddenly she finds herself parenting her sister’s three children around the same time that Sandino, a Mexican, starts renting the basement of her house.

From then on it’s a magical love story, with Sandino loving her even when she can’t love herself. He cleans her up and takes her on a journey of self-discovery after which he weds her. It is a beautiful story, but the idea of there being that one man who will save the damsel in distress is misleading. In real life, you attract what you are.

Dear John

Dear John is based on a book by best-selling author Nicholas Sparks. His saccharine-sweet titles include the immensely popular The Notebook. He has been roundly criticised for selling women the idea that idealistic romantic love fights all, transcends all, and always wins.

Dear John focuses on John who is in the Special Forces. He meets Savannah, who is practically a living saint. Other than being gorgeous, she does drink, smoke or curse, and spends her free time volunteering. After a two-week-long whirlwind romance, John goes back on army assignment while Savannah goes to college. They keep in touch through a series of letters until Savannah decides to marry Tim, a childhood friend.

What follows after is the classic damsel-in-distress scenario: Savannah’s husband falls ill and John raises money to save him. Tim also confesses to John that Savannah is still in love with John. Eventually, the movie implies that they get back together after Tim dies.

In reality, there is no such thing as ‘one true love’. And love does not have to be grand to be true. The unrealistic expectation that a man should climb every mountain and swim every ocean for the woman he loves has many men befuddled – and many women feeling unloved when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.