The way to a man’s heart…

I once overheard a mother advise her daughter the night before her wedding, “You know he likes chapati. Just assure him that chapati will be available whenever he wants. He will always come back home.”

I am told the couple is still happily married.

Most cultures around the world consider a woman’s ability to prepare food a major criterion in being a mother, or as a seductive tool.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” young women are advised. But who ever listens. It is one of the oldest and most ignored recipes for getting a fancied guy

I can already sense some foaming at the mouth, anticipating yet another tirade against women.

All I am trying to do here is offer some free and valuable tips to women, who continue to feign interest in sport and stocks to attract male attention.

Hey, there is an easier way around the problem.

Preparing food well is the secret to a happy marriage, many of us are told. It is not exactly a water-tight pronouncement, but there is generally a very strong link between a husbands’ happiness and his wife’s ability to satisfy his culinary tastes.

Note that pizza does not count, and do not expect to get a medal for a great salad.

I am talking about man food here — meat and a starch accompaniment. This bias is not without premise.

Historically, fruit, healthy though it may be, does not count as food. Adam, the first man, took a measly bite of an apple and men all over the world are still reeling from the effects of that action many centuries later.

More importantly, there is nothing demeaning about the kitchen environment if you know your way around and the recipients keep asking for more, like in the cooking fat commercials.

Men respect strong women, but not as much as they respect women who are strong and can cook. Besides, men should never be let anywhere near the kitchen unless they are trained professionals.

In the restaurant business, men tend to be better cooks. At home, women are known to cook better.

I have heard of many celebrated chefs who prefer their wives’ cooking or the home-cooked version of their favourite dish. This level of food preparation, which entraps, has to do with its nurturing effect.

That heaped spoonful of thoughtfulness (and love) that goes in assembling the dish is the clincher.

Men, despite all their chest-thumping, do not get food. They encounter food and get all technical about its content, flavour, precision in preparation and presentation. While a man cooking may add flair to his food, he cannot add that dash of nurturing. That’s a woman’s birthright.

Good cooking lures. I do not know how some women manage it, but I have seen men drive across town through hectic traffic, a short lunch break notwithstanding, all for a meal in a corrugated-iron roofed kiosk. For that special taste, he drives the extra mile.

Evidence available so far indicates that simple cooking is an easy strategy, so I wonder why younger women anticipating marriage are not picking it up.

Smarts, having a car, a great place or great legs are now commonplace. Turn around the corner and you will find another well put together woman.

What’s hot is a well-put-together woman who can also whip up a tasty meal without a fuss. She does not need a day to prepare and it doesn’t have to be on a special occasion, it does not always have to be his favourite dish.

A woman with skills can prepare many dishes well and is willing to learn more techniques. Corporate wives who develop domestic skills will soon start to realise how easy it is to bring a man home before 7 pm.

A lot of marital strife today is food-related. The husband brings home the bacon and the wife kills it. Food-related disputes are a known trigger for men straying.

Foreign women of African descent constantly floor our women simply because they tend to cook and understand food preparation instinctively.

Closer to home, men tend to rate Ugandan and Tanzanian women higher than our own because of the deadly combination of food and nurturing. So if you are still one of those women with hang-ups about starring in the kitchen, update quickly.

The typical profile of a happy guy is one who goes back home to mama’s cooking; most would prefer food like mamas’ in their homes.

That is why many mothers-in-law continue to overrun their daughters’–in–law’s kitchen and transgressing related territorial rights by understanding this timeless open secret.

It all boils down to a little creativity. Food can get exciting. You can get any bloke involved by relaxing your fashion and dress code in the kitchen and concentrating on nurturing — not to be confused with smothering.

Afterwards, you will find him quite open to persuasion. Men just like to be fed now that mama is gone. That is why we get married.

Most of us are hopeless at cooking. We do it because restaurant food is not cheap and live-in cooks sometimes never leave, so the way around it is to get married. But given a choice, we would leave the cooking to the experts.

How is intimacy defined in Mars? some may ask.

Well, intimacy is a full stomach every day. Do not forget to serve a little silence with it.