The perfect time to have a baby is…

‘Chaotic’ is the word that best describes how the past two or three years have been for Allan. Allan is a kind, charming, 30-year-old man who works in the Kenya Armed Forces.

Five years ago, he met the woman he thought was the love of his life. She was sensual and smart, and the fact that she seemed a little out of his league massaging his ego a little bit. In less than six months, she fell pregnant. Allan did the honourable thing and made an honest woman of her. He travelled to Embu to ask her parents for her hand in marriage and planned a traditional wedding, after which he moved in with her. Then they had a beautiful baby girl who completed their happy little family.

Their happiness was however short lived when his woman realised that Allan wasn’t really the man she wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He was too boring, too nice, weak, she said. So she upped and left him, but now she won’t leave him alone.

You see, this woman, the mother of his child, she loved him. She isn’t a malicious person. She just had the wrong motivation for getting pregnant. She got pregnant to move the relationship to the next stage – and it worked because it got her an engagement. Then she discovered that Allan wasn’t the husband she thought he would be. Their beautiful child ceased being a way in and became an obstacle.

For the last three years she has been making all their lives miserable. She makes impossible financial demands on Allan, demands that he takes his daughter to raise and when he does, she asks for her daughter back. They are all unhappy all because her reasons for getting pregnant were misguided.

WORSE THINGS

If you want to enjoy motherhood, then only get pregnant because you want to get pregnant. Because you want to have a baby. The right time to have a baby is when the conception is all about you.

Before getting off the pill, make sure that you are emotionally and financially able to support this child. However tempting it might be, do not have a child to start, keep or save a relationship. Do not get pregnant just because he told you he wants a child. Do not have one because all your girlfriends are getting pregnant either. Not even because you got married and now the whole extended family thinks that a baby would the next logical step.

There has been a lot of debate in regard to late and early motherhood. Both have their pros and cons. If you have a child in your 20’s for instance, you will have the advantage of being energetic enough to run around your children. Also, your body will quickly snap back into shape. Older mothers on the other hand have the advantage of life experiences and financial security.

No age is perfect for motherhood. What determines how a woman does on this quest is her motivation.

If your pregnancy is planned, if you get pregnant by accident, relax and take it in your stride. Motherhood isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you.

Remember, motherhood is no walk in the park. It is an emotionally taxing journey. You can change your diet and pop all your vitamins and even start a savings account for your unborn before you conceive, but once baby comes, you’d better have your emotional health in check too. And you do this by realising that there is no perfection in motherhood. You must learn to take motherhood as it comes, one day at a time.

You might drop your baby, it happens. You might not be able to breast feed and that is alright. Your little one might resist sleep training. They might bed wet until they are 10. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Then they will grow up and you will realise that you only have so much power over who they eventually become. All you can do is lead them in the direction you think is right. Maybe they will stay on course. Maybe they won’t. All you can do is raise a happy, well-adjusted adult – and you can only do this if you have a child when you want to have a child.