Relationships: Questions to ask yourself before shacking up with your partner

The Covid-19 pandemic has no doubt strained our finances and the idea of paying rent for just one home has become appealing for many dating couples. Also, the fragile nature of life has dawned on many. “We could be dead tomorrow. Why don’t we stop waiting for the perfect time and just do it?” type of conversations have been had these past few months. Many have taken the plunge.

Whether you are moving in because of tight finances, for convenience, as a precursor to marriage or even as a permanent alternative to tying the knot, whether your relationship survives this move or not depends on how well you prepare for it.

Reading from the same page

Before you pack your bags and pick out two sets of keys, be sure that both of you are on the same page regarding the status of your relationship. Even more important is that you are moving in together for the same reasons.

“It will save both of you hurt and disappointment in the future,” says Cecily Kawira, 27.

Cecily didn’t pause to check the page her boyfriend was reading from when she decided to begin moving her clothes into his apartment four years ago. She hoped that the sprinkle of her clothes, make up and books in his home would prompt him to ask her to move in. It worked. The problem was that she was a full time college student and a lifetime commitment was the last thing on her mind.

“My parents were struggling to raise my hostel fee. I was looking for a comfortable place to live before I graduated, got a job and put my life together,” she says.

Her man on the other hand was looking for a wife. When months went by and he realised that she was not anxious to begin playing wife, he felt taken advantage of and became resentful. Towards the end, their fights turned physical and the break up was even uglier. He is yet to forgive her.

Do you know him?

A lot of moving in proposals are made during the honey moon phase of a relationship when everything is seen through rose coloured lenses and the person seems like they can do no wrong. While it looks and feels right, a move at this point of a relationship is unwise.

Maureen Nyambere, a 29-year-old lingerie shop owner moved in with her boyfriend of two years and was dismayed at his annoying habits.

“One of the traits that had attracted me to him was that he enjoyed rolling up his sleeves and getting in the kitchen but when we moved in together, I realised that he didn’t really care for cooking or for any other kind of house work. He had done it to attract me,” she says.

She also found out about his marijuana habit. He would sit in the car every evening after work and light a joint before coming up to the apartment a habit that became a deal breaker for her. They lived together for five months before she decided that he would not make a good husband.

Keep in mind that you aren’t perfect either and you have unpleasant traits which he will also put up with. This means that you also must be prepared to compromise.

Talk about money

Talking about money with a love interest may sound unromantic and unnecessary. Unfortunately, money fights are right up the list, alongside infidelity, of the things that couples fight most about.

When 32-year-old Christine Wanjiru decided to take the leap in June 2018, her relationship had reached what she describes as a point of no return.

“We spent all our free time together. Had met each other’s family and friends. Moving together made sense.”

He was earning more than twice her salary and because she moved into his house she assumed that he would continue paying the rent and that he would foot the larger chunk of the bills.

“He expected me to split the bills with him in half,” she says.

These mismatched expectations strained their relationship and her finances so much that she had nothing to fall back on when this relationship finally ended.

A neutral home

“Despite the fact that I was contributing equally to the household, he still acted territorial with the house and he had a problem with sharing space,” Christine says.

Other than missing the money conversation, the other mistake she made moving on with her boyfriend was packing up, selling all her furniture and moving into his house.

It seemed like the sensible thing to do at the time seeing as his house was much bigger. It turned out to be a mistake because whenever they had an argument, he always reminded her that she was in his house and when their relationship began crumbling, he would occasionally kick her out.

“It is safer to look for a new place that is neutral to both partners to move in together to avoid this tug of war,” she advices.

Finding a new place also gives both of you the benefit of making joint decisions regarding furniture and the décor. This way, each of you is able to add a personal touch to your home.

A lot of couples who choose to cohabit do so with the hope of strengthening their relationship. The truth, however, is that simply living under the same roof isn’t sufficient to strengthen a relationship. A couple needs to make a continuous conscious effort towards this even after moving in together.

The other risk is that cohabiting may communicate that you are not confident in the success of your relationship but it lacks a clear sense of commitment thus raising the risks of breaking up or unfaithfulness. Instead of advancing a relationship, it may sabotage it.

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