My husband had an affair, got a baby, and now wants me to help with the care

My husband of 17 years informed me that he had an affair one and half years ago and fathered a baby. We worked through it, and I decided to stay in the marriage. The mother of the child is in a new relationship.

We have two children who are in their teens and already in high school. I am not interested in raising any more. I have a business to run, friends, hobbies, and leisure activities that I enjoy in my free time, and I'm not giving them up. He told me he plans to have visitation with the baby in our home every other week. I have no objection. I see it as a perfect opportunity to go on some out-of-town trips with my girlfriends. Our housekeeper is off weekends. 

Meanwhile, my husband hasn't a clue what to do. He has never even changed a diaper. I told him he will have to learn quickly or adjust his visitation plans because I am not helping him with his baby. I worked hard while I raised our children and made all the sacrifices. Back then, he refused to step in to help me with our children. Suddenly, his stance on parenting is different now. I'm wondering if I should stay in the marriage. 

READERS ADVICE

Your husband should not expect you to help with raising a child he had out of an affair. It is betrayal that he cheated without protection and may have potentially put your health at risk. From this experience, it is clear you still harbour some bitterness over the matter. I would urge you to pray to God about your marriage situation. You need to heal and forgive. You will be happier. Also, don't treat the child as an outcast. Try to be as nice to the child as possible when you get the opportunity. As for your husband, let it be known you won't tolerate another affair. Let him do the most to take care of his child so that he doesn't think you are okay with the situation. It is known that cheaters tend to do it more when the other partner is easily forgiving.

Chaki Gloria

You said you worked through it and you decided to stay in the marriage. How then does bringing the child home trigger a commotion? Or did you forgive him but you didn't talk about the fate of the child? Your explanation is a bit vague.

Even so, you need to talk with your husband if at all you want peace in your marriage. Denial can lead you to psychological issues.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

It has been 17 years of being together which I believe has had its share of ups and downs. Therefore, treating your current predicament should be easy for both of you instead of thinking about quitting. It is commendable you have sacrificed a lot to raise your children without his attention but you would rather consider offering a helping hand at this point as you continue with what you desire in life. Your husband might have made a mistake, but try to look at whatever positive impact he has brought to the family before you punish him. 

Juma Felix 

EXPERT'S TAKE

In your own words you noted that you and your husband after the revelation worked things out. When you learned of his affair and child that was the right time to decide whether to stay or leave. No one would judge you for making either choice. It is not your responsibility to mother his other child. He needs to manage that side of his life without hoping that you will help. He has the option of hiring a nanny that he can schedule around visitations. If you have made it clear that you are done with child raising and you are in agreement, then your question only applies if you are rethinking your decision to stay. You have accepted this new reality so the main question is whether you still have feelings for your husband. That should be your determining factor. 

Relationship Counsellor, Mutua Matheka

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA 

Kindly, help me to make a good decision. I have been married since 2013, and it was okay till 2017 when I gave birth to my first born daughter. My hubby started dodging matters of being intimate, I persevered till my daughter turned one, when I asked him once on the same, he told me he had an infection and was under medication and I should wait. I understood and endured for another four months, though I never saw him taking any medicine. I enquired whether he was through with the treatment but he told me the doctor had told him to carry on with the medication so being intimate won't happen any time soon. My daughter turned two without me eating the apple. Now, on asking again he began being rude, I told his parents and sisters to help solve the issue, of which he accused that, I abused him so his feelings for me "died". I work at a different county, where he comes twice a week to visit. During weekends and holidays he comes to take us to his home, my daughter is turning four this month, so we have not been intimate for four years. Do I take it that he is withholding sex to push me to quit the marriage? Should I leave now, because I am in my early 30's with only a daughter? Please help. 

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