Moving on after a spouse’s death

When Agnes Mbithe’s husband died of intestinal cancer two years ago, she was heartbroken.

They had been married for only four years, had a two-year-old son and were mapping out what they believed would be a bright future together.

The young couple had begun putting up their dream home just outside Kitengela town on the outskirts of Nairobi.

When Mbithe’s husband was diagnosed with the cancer, which doctors said was too advanced for meaningful intervention, the couple’s dreams were shattered.

“Patrick was one of those hard- working and ambitious people who toyed with multiple business ideas at a time,” Agnes says of her husband, who would have been 35 this year.

A professional accountant, he co-owned a successful computer-training college in town while working full time for a multi-national audit firm.

Mbithe says that after his death, the thought of sharing her life with another man was unthinkable.

“I was too wrapped up in my grief and the frightening thought of raising our son alone. If you had asked me at the time, remarrying, or even dating another man, would have been preposterous. I would never have considered it. Had anyone suggested anything like that, I would have been offended,” she says.

Four years later, however, Mbithe is seriously contemplating marrying a man she has been dating for the past nine months. Some people think she is making a but mistake but she is convinced that Thomas is the man for her.

“It’s interesting how I met him because I did not go out looking for a relationship. I was so focused on raising my son and adapting to life without my husband that I had no time for anything else.”

She met Thomas at a friend’s house and they immediately hit it off. When they left their friend’s home that evening, they did not exchange telephone numbers or promise to catchup another time. By the time she got home, she had forgotten about Thomas.

Then, a week later, he called her “just to say hi.” Two days later, he called again and invited her for coffee that evening.

Mbithe says her first instinct was to decline. Ridiculous as it may sound, she felt that going out with another man would have been tantamount to cheating on her husband. But Thomas was persistent. Several phone calls later, she agreed to go on a date with him.

“My friend had told him about me and he did not seem to mind that I had a child,” offers.

But what won Mbithe over was the fact that Thomas got along so well with her son.

She says that, watching them together, one would assume they were father and son.

Her friends and close family members approve of the relationship, but some relatives feel she should wait a bit longer before remarrying. She has not told her in-laws about her relationship and is jittery about how they will react.

“What if they accuse me of betraying their son’s memory?” she wonders.

She also fears that some people will assume that Thomas is out to take advantage of her, given that she automatically made him co-owner in her husband’s business and is about to complete the house she and her husband were putting up.

Mbithe’s story is not unique. Many widows agonise over what people will say if they remarry, given that society judges them more harshly than it does widowers who take another wife.

If a woman starts dating or remarries a few months after her husband’s death, most people, including her older children, are likely to protest while some will even accuse her of having had an illicit relationship behind her husband’s back.

However, it is not unheard of for a man to remarry barely a month after his wife’s death, or even sooner.

When this happens, few people are surprised. One of the women we talked to told us that her brother in-law started looking for another woman to marry even as his wife, who had a terminal illness, lay dying in hospital.

They had been married for 22 years. However, this is an extreme case because some men choose to remain single after losing their wives while others take years before remarrying.

“Generally, men remarry much sooner than women since they are more dependant when it comes to looking after children and domestic work,” offers Joshua Kipkoech, a 42-year-old father of three.

But there is also the widely held notion that men are less capable of dealing with grief than women.

“It is true that women handle grief better than men. A man’s way of dealing with loss is also different from a woman’s. Unlike women, men bottle up their feelings. They are more practical problem solvers and are, therefore, likely to get someone to fill the void left as a way of dealing with their grief.”

He emphasises that even though it seems insensitive, it does not necessarily mean that he has not got over his wife’s death or did not love her. It is just his way of coping.

Jane Muthoni, a 43-year-old mother of three grown up children, found out just how difficult it is for a woman to receive approval to remarry when her husband of 23 years died in a road accident five years ago.

She was 38 years then, and all their three children had already completed high school. Eight months after burying her husband, Muthoni moved in with a long-time family friend and a close friend of her husband’s. He had stood by her and her children when her husband died and was a frequent visitor to their home after the burial.

“Everyone, including my children, was shocked. There were even rumours that I had something to do with my husband’s death,” she recalls.

She insists that, although she and the family friend – he had been separated from his wife for more than a decade – had been close, there was nothing inappropriate about their friendship. It only took on a new dimension after her husband’s death.

Muthoni became something of a laughing and most of her friends deserted her, not wishing to be associated with a woman who was said to have schemed her husband’s death.

Her relationship with her children also deteriorated since they could not understand how their “old” mother could embarrass them by living with another man — and their father’s friend at that!

“The pressure and hostility was so intense that we decided to end the relationship, which lasted a little over a year,” she says.

Muthoni feels that older women who wish to remarry or date are treated harshly. “People find it difficult to understand why a woman my age would want to remarry or have a companion. A lot of people believe that once one gets to a certain age, they no longer have need for intimacy,” she explains.

Though our society is more permissive towards men, there are instances when they, too, are subjected to criticism.

Thirteen years ago, Simon Polo watched his young wife die before his very eyes. On that fateful evening, he had rushed her to hospital after she complained of a splitting headache and a stiff neck.

Two hours later, she succumbed to meningitis, as he stood by her bedside. Simon was 26 then, while his wife, Doreen, was 24. They had been married for two years and were planning to start a family.

“It was a really traumatising time for me,” Simon recalls.

After the funeral, it was Doreen’s best friend, Judy, who stuck around and together, they mourned the woman they had loved.

In the months that followed, the two, united by grief, grew closer than they had been when Doreen was alive and started doing things that friends do together, such as watching movies and meeting for coffee once in a while. A couple of months later, they fell in love and started dating.

“Many people, including several mutual friends, were scandalised. They reacted as if we had betrayed Doreen. Our friends also questioned how genuine a friend Judy had been to my wife, suggesting that she had been waiting for her to die so that she could take her place,” says Simon.

Simon’s in-laws, who also knew Judy because she had visited their home several times when Doreen was alive, were also unhappy with the relationship, which they said was an affront to their daughter’s memory.

In spite of all the opposition, the couple got married two years later. They have two children and will celebrate 11 years of marriage at the end of this year. Simon does not see why anyone should be punished for moving on with his life.

“I loved my wife and no one can even begin to understand the pain I experienced when she died. No one has a right to make me or my current wife feel guilty for falling in love with each other,” he asserts.

He believes that there is no “proper” length of time to grieve and advises anyone who might be in a similar position to disregard those who are quick to judge.

Your priority, he says, should be your own happiness, not pleasing other people who have no idea what it feels like to be alone after losing someone you love.

“When someone as close as a spouse leaves you, you cannot imagine ever loving or being happy again. When you get that chance to experience happiness all over again, you cannot afford to let it get away,” he reasons.

Obviously, real life is very different from what happens in romanticised Hollywood movies, where the person left by their spouse spends the rest of their life mourning and paying tribute to lost love.

Some characters end their lives rather than continue living without their spouse. But time does heal the pain and yes, people do fall in love again and get married.

So, is there anything such as an “appropriate” grieving period before you make a fresh start?

You are likely to raise a storm if you remarry or move in with a new partner a day after burying your spouse, but the fact is, different people take different periods to heal and move on. Some people enter a new relationship immediately to cope with their grief while others take forever.

However, it is important to bear in mind that whatever decision you make will affect the loved ones in your life, especially your children.

They, too, have lost someone important in their life so you should be sensitive to their feelings.

Let them know of your intentions and give them a chance to meet the person you intend to make part of their life before making any drastic decision.

If your children are young, allow your new mate to spend time with them so that they to know to each other.

The way he or she relates to your children will also help you gauge the kind of person he or she is. Ask yourself whether having someone in your life, even when he or she clearly does not get along with your children, is worth it.

If your children are at an impressionable age, it is important to make them understand that your remarrying does not mean you did not love their father or mother. Often, it will take them a while to come round.