Is the church guilty of enabling domestic violence?

The news of Nigerian gospel artiste, Osinachi Nwachukwu's demise on the 8th of April 2022, was heartbreaking. 

But it was the revelations of the grueling reality of what the Ekwueme hitmaker was going through and which allegedly led to her death, that sparked anger among her fans.

To the outside world, Osinachi was a gospel minister married to a God-fearing man— Pastor Peter Nwachukwu. He had all the qualities that many women yearn for.

But behind closed doors, relatives, friends, and neighbours tell a different story. Osinachi was a prisoner in the marriage and had to endure constant kicks, blows, and emotional abuse from her husband. One of these blows, to her chest, is said to have landed her in hospital and she soon succumbed to the injuries. 

"The singer always looked "depressed, tensed and scared" — and was always in a hurry to go back home to avoid annoying her husband," a neighbour is quoted as saying, with their security guard confirming that he sometimes had to scale the fence of the house to unlock the gate for the singer, whenever her husband locked her out. A colleague Frank Edwards, claimed that one time the man slapped the gospel artiste in the studio, and anyone wishing to engage her had to 'beg' her husband for permission. 

Her husband who was arrested later has since denied the allegations and maintains that Osinachi had been ailing for some time. 

Yet, despite all her tribulations, the singer chose silence and put up a front that all was well. One of her Pastor Chioma Ibieze admitted that Osinachi didn't want anyone to interfere in her marital woes as she held unto God to solve it. 

As a committed Christian, friends say, she also felt that God is against divorce. "She will always tell us to relax and that the man will change," her twin sister Ms. Favor Made, said.

Outrage against church

The singer's sad demise not only caused outrage against her husband, but many accused the church of not doing enough to avert gender-based violence among their married congregants. 

"Her family, church, friends, and society failed her. Anything short of that does not connect the dots," one of her fans posted.

The truth is that for decades, the subject of gender-based violence (GBV) has been discussed, and many factors that foment it explored yet one important component has been ignored—the church.

Statistics show that as of 2019, over 85 percent of Kenyans identified as Christians, which means that many of those who suffer marital strife would seek refuge in the church. 

Patriarchy persists in Kenya, and this fosters and cultivates environments where men seek to control or abuse women. Yet, in a country where the church yields ultimate power, very little public debate has occurred exploring how this might impact people in male-led congregations and religious communities. This is especially so where women are taught to be silent and submit to male authority.

But as singer Osinanchi's death has shown, it's time that the church was asked the hard questions. 

Which are: do abused women in the church face challenges women outside them do not? Is the bible used to justify domestic abuse or coerce victims into staying? Why is there stigma surrounding divorcees still rampant in the church, and why is it that it's mostly the divorced woman who has to leave the church? In this case, where the victim is stigmatized is the church still a refuge for the vulnerable? More so, is the church doing enough to deter couples from domestic violence? And does the church need to modify its teachings in the face of modern realities? 

Interviews with survivors and the clergy tell a different story. It's a tale where survivors of GBV say that the church fails to adequately address the menace, and the clergy defends their role and position.

Propagating silence

On a particular evening in June 2014, Jane Wachira remembers sitting at her pastor's office. Her cheek was swollen after having been physically abused by her ex-husband. The two were heading a ministry and as it was the norm, they updated the pastor about it every Thursday.

"The first thing he noted when I sat down was the cheek and he asked what was wrong. As I continued to explain, he digressed a lot before stretching his hand to mine and saying, "fight for your marriage…in silence." Then he read from the book of Corinthians, "Every marriage experiences difficulty. Those trials are meant to deepen our love for our spouse just as trials are meant to deepen our relationship with Christ (1 Corinthians 7:28).

Reverend Zainab Hussein, of Latter Glory Family Church in Ongata Rongai, explains that the church asks couples to sort out their issues in silence because the Bible is against divorce and remarriage.

"We don't want to be misquoted or look like we are going against God's word. Many members of the clergy fear that they will be told they are destroying marriages and hence, many fail to issue warnings to people to leave their abusive marriages. Even when the issue at hand is complex, we resort to prayer knowing that it requires both prayers and action," she says.

In the case of singer Osinachi, the church that previously employed her as a lead singer, Dunamis International Gospel Centre is yet to comment on her death despite the damning revelations.

The Bible Context

We have read or heard of the verses or sayings. "Marriage is instituted by God" or "God hates divorce" or "Wives submit to your husband" or "A wife saves her marriage on her knees" or still "A woman should build her house, or "the man is the head of the home."

Then there is this, "marriage is a bed of roses." And in the situations when it's not, the enemy is predetermined. The devil. 

"There were moments that I considered leaving but during such times, I would remember the phrase that, 'the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her own hands,'" Jane says. 

It is difficult to suggest divorce when the bible says that God hates divorce. Pastor Morris Gacheru from Jubilee Christian Church Thika Road says that divorce is only allowed in the context of unfaithfulness.

"There are no verses citing violence as a lead to divorce. So, this is one of the many reasons why some Christians stay in such marriages.

However, In Mathew 19 verse 8, Jesus said "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But from the beginning, it was not so." In this scripture, divorce is the direct result of the hardness of man's heart which can be manifested when a person inflicts any form of pain—not just unfaithfulness.

Submission

The doctrine that is most commonly, and controversially cited by abusers is male headship, where a husband is to be the head of the wife in marriage and the wife is to submit, and men are to be head of the church.

What submission means takes many different forms. At its extreme edge, it is complete subservience.

Research says that "biblical principles and scriptures may be used by the perpetrator as a point of authority to condone his actions, or perhaps to 'prove' to the victim that she is not fulfilling her marital obligations."

This self-sacrificial love, it is said, ends up hurting many religious women. 

Rev Kathy Kiuna of Jubilee Christian Church Parklands runs a Daughter of Zion (DOZ) ministry that steers women into raising standards and living a purposeful driven life as intended by God.

"During our meetings, I remind women that they should not stay in abusive marriages. The bible says in 1 Peter 3:7 that husbands should give honour to their wives and dwell with them in understanding. When a partner mistreats the other, you are mistreating yourself. I tell them that protecting the abuser is enabling them to continue abusing," the pastor explains. 

Favoritism of men

For us to talk about the involvement of the church in matters of gender-based violence, we cannot run away from the fact that it is inherently patriarchal. As a result, some denominations preach, a model of male control and inviolate teachings on male leadership.

"Don't judge people who stay in bad marriages. I was there and no matter how my husband abused me physically and emotionally, I thought and was told many times that I was the problem so I was always working on myself. For two years," says Reverend Zainab Hussein of Latter Glory Family Church in Ongata Rongai.

Ours was a long-distance marriage. He lived in Europe and we would shuffle back and forth. While in Europe, I recall seeing a gun in his house but because I was naive, I didn't think much of it. When we had arguments, they would end mostly with me going down to apologise even when it was clear that he was the one in the wrong. Day by day, I went through pain and no one knew what I was undergoing as a pastor. I recall instances where I would come from the service and apologise on the phone "I am really sorry for being late, please forgive…..please forgive me". The marriage made me feel inadequate both as a wife and woman," the Reverend reveals.

In Kenya, there is no extensive analysis linking the church and domestic violence. Queensland Academic Dr. Lynne Baker's 2010 book, Counselling Christian Women on How to Deal with Domestic Violence, cites a study of Anglican, Catholic, and Uniting churches in Brisbane, Australia that found 22 percent of perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse are regular churchgoers.

A media investigation by ABC News, Australia in 2018 found out that domestic victims were told to forgive and made to believe that the abuser would change or that it was their fault.

Past research has also shown women in religious communities are less likely to leave violent marriages, more likely to believe that the abuser will change, less inclined to access community resources, and more likely to believe it is their fault; that they have failed as wives as they were not able to stop the abuse.

Stigma in Church

Many times when a union breaks, the woman is blamed. Often, when a marriage breaks, the men stay and the women leave, which means the woman is exposed to no support. 

Mary Mwende, who requested that we change her last name for fear of rebuttal recalls how she was removed from her role as the church's secretary when she left her marriage.

"It was a gradual process. One day somebody asks you what happened, the other day they ask if you have tried ironing things with your partner, and the next, they say, that no issue cannot be solved as long as I am a believer. Also, I was mentioned to Ephesians 5: 21 -22 which asks women to be submissive," Mwende says.

So if the church is meant to be a place of refuge for the vulnerable, like Mwende, why is it that the victims are the ones who leave churches while the perpetrators remain?

Pastor Jasper of CCWC in Kasarani, Nairobi sees nothing wrong with how Mwende was treated. 

"Where two partners are having issues and the perpetrator is identified, they will have to step down until reconciliation and the depth of the matter is sorted," he says.

By Mwende leaving, the pastor says, it was a sign that she wasn't a true follower of the teachings of Christ. 

But Mwende has no regrets. "I was told that I was unfit to lead other women because I could not submit. I don't regret leaving."

Rev Zainab says that in the past her friends have been criticised for inviting her as a speaker on the mere fact that she is a divorcee and married to one. I was stigmatised for divorcing and remarrying," says the Reverend.

According to Pastor Jasper, the issue of remarrying is dependent on the individual. "The pastor may allow it to protect the victim from promiscuity."

Who stands with victims? 

Pastor Tee Mwangi from Life Church Limuru, says the church is very vocal on matters of domestic abuse. He says in the church there are those couples who seek therapy to get a clear direction, while others are feuding and the last group are those who come alone. 

Still, the pastor does not hide the fact he sided with a violent husband, because he saw the wife as the 'provoker'. 

"I recall a case I was handling and it was the woman who was always provoking the husband to be violent. She reported that the husband was beating her but he revealed that the woman was disrespectful to him, which offended him. This was a cue that even as we try to save people from such marriages, we also need to adequately prepare couples on having healthy unions. As a church, we try to guide couples towards this. Unfortunately, some look perfect from the outside but they are bleeding inside. It's quite unfortunate that abusers separate and isolate victims and so most end up withdrawing from people," Pastor Tee, says. 

Is the church turning a blind eye to perpetrators? we ask him. 

"When people come to church, we believe that God can transform them. Recently, I was handling a case where a man came to me and accepted that he was violent to his wife and needed help. Later, the lady joined in the session and said that she had enough of his abuse and was not willing to continue with the union. In such a scenario, this man accepted his wrongdoings and needed help and so, there was no way I would have given up on him. Also, as a pastor, I couldn't force the lady to stay in the abusive marriage. So, the church can't judge others. The best we can do is give advice and walk with individuals to have healthy marriages," he says.

Teachings around domestic abuse

Many of the clergy interviewed, said that they were addressing the GBV issue in their churches, it was clear that their efforts were just a drop in the ocean, and there is a need to do more. 

Fredrick Bwire says that the church often speaks of the beauty that is marriage but rarely touches on 'sensitive' issues like GBV. 

"It's glossed over. You know, like it's not a big deal. Having been brought up in a dysfunctional family, it scares me to wed in church when the ministers are silent about this," he laments.

Pastor Jasper, CCWC in Kasarani, Nairobi understands Frederick's concerns and cites that some members of the clergy don't talk about these things because they are going through the same experiences. "You see, most teachings about marriage are taught during weddings but there is no emphasis on how to respond to domestic violence. It's a conversation that is needed in our churches," he admits

Way Forward

"I believe it's high time the church creates awareness about abuse in marriage and encourage people to leave them. No one deserves to die because we want to present an ideal world of no pain," says Rev Zeinab.

Rev Kathy recommends that the afflicted party ought to leave. "I advocate for anyone going through a violent union to leave until that man gets help. In our church, we have been creating awareness on how to have healthy marriages through seminars, couple meetings, church services, and ensuring couples are adequately prepared before getting into marriage," she offers.

Banice Mueni, a staunch catholic says that the church needs to angle its teachings around gender-based violence and say it as it is. "When you preach against abuse but tell people to pray for their partners to change, that's fodder for confusion. So they need to start telling congregants to leave abusive marriages and assure them of their love and support," she says.

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