Inside the world of the single father

Single parenting is hard – and it is assumed that it is even more so when the child is a girl and the parent is the father. But is it, really?

Abel Amunga has raised his daughter Ruth Matete for 21 years

“Other than a little baby sitting here and there for relatives, I hadn’t raised a child before. So you can imagine task I felt I was up against when Ruth’s mother passed on and I found myself raising her by myself. I got married briefly but the marriage did not gel so I resolved to put on both hats.

“Raising a well-adjusted adult takes a lot of time investment. I deliberately refused to hire a live in house help so that I could look after her, clean after her and in that way, get to know her. The more time we spent together, the stronger our bond grew.

“By the time she was a teenager, we had a grown a very open relationship. She could talk to me about her crushes. When she started dating, she talked to me about her boyfriend. The first time she got hurt, she came home to me. We have no secrets. She can’t keep anything away from me.

“I have taught her many things. I have taught her be assertive, and to be honest with herself. Still, there are things that I can’t teach her, like how to be a woman.

“I found a Godmother who Ruth could look up to and borrow from. Now, seeing her grow into a well-adjusted adult is more than adequate reward. Before we are father and daughter, my daughter and I are good friends. It is a friendship we have cultivated over the past 21 years.”

ABEL’S PARENTING TIPS

• If you don’t show your child love, there will be someone else out there – someone whose intentions will not be as pure.
• If you are parenting a child alone, read up on the subject. There are a lot of helpful resources out there.
• Get close to your child; it is the only way you can know them.

30-year-old Roy Munano was a single father to his daughter Kimberly, 6, for a while

“Single parenting threw me right in the deep end. One minute, I was a happy go lucky 26-year-old man and the next, I was single-parenting a two-year old-and worrying about things like whether to take her to the ladies or gents when we went out, or which salon to take her to.

“My first lesson was that I couldn’t do everything for her. I would call my sisters to ask about things like what to do with her ear piercings or her hair. But I was also aware that I was her parent and was thus solely responsible for her. I could ask for help but I couldn’t delegate my responsibility.

“My greatest resource was a good nanny. Finding a good one in Kenya is a hassle. A single father has a particular set of needs so it is harder. You need someone who is older and who has raised a child before.

“Two year olds bond by playing. I am playful so this wasn’t hard for me. Being my daughter’s playmate, however, made it hard for me to be a disciplinarian. It is hard to become stern when you have been rolling on the carpet together all afternoon.

“I also had to alter my life so that I could spend time with her. I had to miss some matches and forego some of the time I spent with friends. Some of them couldn’t understand this.

“When you are a single father, your dating life is also quite different from that of a single man. I was no longer just Roy. I was Roy and Kim. My plans with other people could also never be set in stone. I was looking for a partner who would respect that and also connect with both me and my daughter. A needy person was definitely not going to cut it. I found someone who understands that I am a package and that this arrangement is permanent – that my daughter isn’t going to leave somewhere down the line.

“There were times when I wondered what it would be like when she reached teenage. Now, I am confident that we will sail through unscathed. We have a good relationship. This is how I intend to keep it. I want her to grow up feeling like she can tell me anything.”

ROY’S PARENTING TIPS

• Parenting is a journey, not an event.
• It may seem hard – even impossible – in the beginning but it is manageable.
• It is worth it. There is immense satisfaction in seeing your daughter grow into her own person.

 Festus Ngari is a single father to Makena, nine, and Frank, 14

“I think the greatest challenge for a lot of single fathers is the assumption (others make) that a man can’t raise a daughter well. I had to deal with these suggestions and assumptions just weeks after my wife passed on three years ago.

“My first lesson as a single parent was that strength is the only choice I have. With Esther gone, I had to quickly step into her shoes. This means doing things with Makena that a regular father would not do, like shopping for underwear.

“Being an only parent to a pre-teenage daughter means striking a delicate balance between making her feel loved and respecting her boundaries.

For instance, she can adequately take care of her personal hygiene but when she is feeling unwell, I have to help her get dressed or get in the shower.

I am teaching her the importance of personal boundaries but I also have to teach her to accept my help when she needs it.

“She is getting to an age when she is more aware of things around her. She is keener and she asks a lot of questions. I try not to lie to her. I want to be the constant in her life, the one person who she knows will give her the truth no matter what. I think we are doing great so far. She can freely express her anger as well as her happiness with me. I intend to have every single one of those talks with her as she grows up. If I am going to date or remarry, I will talk about it with her extensively.

“Single parenting has also taught me that while I can raise my daughter, I can’t be her mother. It is hard watching her look longingly at other children with their mothers, but there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do to try to fill this void is have her regularly spend time with female role models like my sister or female cousins.

“I am aware that when she is a teenager, we will have a different set of problems than the one we have now. I am preparing for this by reading a lot. During the holidays, I enroll her in mentorship programmes to make her more self-aware.”

Festus’ parenting tips

• When you are a single parent, plans are never set in stone.
• Busy as you may be, find time to spend with your children. During this time, be present.
• If you are parenting a girl on your own, build a strong support system to be her role models. You can teach her many things but you can’t reach her to be a woman.

John Maloba was a single father to his daughter Cindy Indeche Maloba for three years

 “Being a single father in Kenya 20-something years ago, I stood out like a sore thumb. I didn’t know any single fathers. I remember being asked questions like, “Are you the one who bathes your daughter?” In our neighbourhood, she was known as the girl who was raised by her father.

“I raised her single handedly for three years when she was younger. When she turned 10, she moved to England. She is now in her early 20s. I have since gotten married and had other children but I am happy that the three years we had together birthed the strong bond that we have today.

“I was pretty young when I had her, so everyone around me felt like they (should tell me how to) raise her. There were those who imagined that being a single father meant that I had failed at marriage and thus I couldn’t be a good father. Then there were those who imagined that my being a man and an entertainer meant that I couldn’t parent.

“I followed my heart and did what I thought was best for her. I gave it my best shot. I had house helps who came in to help with the house work but we lived alone. I cooked for her, took her to the salon, to church and to school every morning. I went out of my way to give her happy experiences. I reckoned if nothing else, she would remember how she felt growing up. She does.”

JOHN’S PARENTING TIPS

• You are the one who knows your child and your family situation best; do what you believe is best for her.
• A man can adequately parent a girl on his own.