I am the life of the party but deep inside I am a sad scared little girl

You posted on Facebook how the video clip of the woman motorist on Wangari Maathai Road affected you….

"You know, you are doing just fine healing the trauma that comes from being (repeatedly) sexually abused as a child, it actually feels like you are finally making progress with the healing bit. Then you come across a trending video like that and you are back to the healing drawing board once again. And as you are trying to figure out how to begin this healing journey again, you remember that they said that you were abused because you didn't call out for help. But now you have to pop sleeping pills because anytime you shut your eyes, you can hear that lady screaming helplessly. And it hits you that you may never actually heal. Because you are fighting to heal in this same environment that got you sick." 

Tell us about yourself.

I am a mother of an amazing 8-year-old daughter that I call 'My little broke best friend cum Relative'. I am a jack of all trades. I am a criminologist and lawyer and I work for a Government agency, but also run a consultancy firm GND Consultants and also consult for Begi's Law offices and chambers, a leading law firm with a focus on GBV-related matters. I am also the founding Chair of the Board of Directors of Voice for Women and Girls Rights-Kenya an affiliate of Journalists For Human Rights (JHR), whose focus is on women and girls’ rights and I’m also the Secretary to the Board of Directors of Integrated Surgi-Medicins Foundation, a Kenyan based NGO which focuses maternal and post GBV surgical care. Okay, I am done bragging. 

What was your childhood like?

Normal, I'd say. Well until I was sexually abused for the first time at the age of about 8. See, growing up, I was an extremely smart kid, I also always wanted to be a nun. I am a staunch Catholic, went to mostly Catholic schools, hung around nuns, and even did sleepovers in convents. 

I learnt their ways, and I guarded my purity with my life. 

What made it worse, is I was molested by a close family friend and witnessed by a family member. To them it was just some normal and mischievous boys' experiment but to be honest, this is where my life was wrecked. When I raised it with my family, I was unfortunately blamed for it. Then it happened again! I spoke up for the second time but I was silenced and prohibited from bringing it up ever again. You know African families and protecting their reputation? 

The experiments continued. I never spoke. Incredulously, it was this threat that my abusers used against me. At 10 years, a visiting male cousin who was 10+ years older took over the 'experiment'. I bore it all quietly. "Niliamua ni sawa tuu, do unto me as you people wish. Siku moja nitakuwa mkubwa mniachane tuu." I never fought back. I never spoke about it again. Rebellion became my defense mechanism and my relationship with my family became permanently and badly strained. My grades dropped, and I suddenly became the family's black sheep. You know the funny part? Nobody seemed to care much. They only noticed my bad grades and my rebellion. Then they blamed it on adolescence.

How was life after that?

Well, of course, I grew up. You know what such childhood experiences do? They ruin you! They mess with your self-esteem and give you terrible anger and trust issues. Life becomes a circus. Literally. One minute you are doing really okay, the next you are a mess. You grow up into a constantly depressed, traumatised, and sometimes suicidal adult. Social anxiety hits, you never talk about your feelings because the fear of anyone thinking of you as dramatic or an attention seeker still haunts you! You end up pushing away the people you need the most in your life. You keep lying to yourself that you need to live without expectations. I mean, that's how you grew up! Sometimes you are not necessarily sad but just empty. 

But worst of all, such trauma affects your personal relationships. Especially love or what do you call these Nairobi relationships? Those ones. You stay in ridiculous relationships because you want to belong. There's always a little girl craving love, protection, and assurance. Such relationships are the real KICD aka Kenya Institute of Character Development. They never end well. You actually end up in a worse state. 

It gets worse if life decides to 'teach you life'. I remember in 2018 I hit rock bottom, like the seabed. From losing all my money, businesses, almost losing my daughter in a custody suit, wading in debts to depression, to begging for handouts from friends, to losing friends from all the begging, to getting hooked on alcohol.  Then I got saved, backslide and I was back to depression, then I got help, relapsed, got suicidal and extremely angry, adopted bora-uhai life, and faked happiness on social media, but then I got back to the beginning. Yes, I have been on the rollercoaster. 

Once I actually sat at my office desk, googling "Painless ways to commit suicide" with a straight face only for food adverts to pop out and I lost focus. I love food.  I once even contemplated killing my daughter and then committing suicide. I contemplated giving her away for adoption. I contemplated prostitution but ‘sasa vile nilikuwa pia nimechapa haingewezekana.’

Then you lose friends too. Your phone stops ringing. You stop being good company for all those coffee, lunch and ice cream dates. Your calls go unanswered just in case 'unaomba pesa'. There's this time I was lefted (kicked out) from some girls’ WhatsApp groups for not being able to afford the friendship.

In 2018, life did me a good combo. Have you ever attended a random funeral so that you can just cry your problems away without anyone judging you? I did in 2018. One Friday, I just went to Langata cemetery, spotted a family, and joined them. I was quite overwhelmed. I just wanted to cry. I needed a proper trigger. I cried. I couldn't stop crying. Some lady at the funeral even offered me a seat under a shade, a box of tissues, a bottle of water, and even sat with me consoling me. 

Now you see the worst bit about depression, it presents itself in subtle forms; messy room, irritable self, a sink full of dirty dishes, not wanting to shower, eating too much or not eating at all, or self-isolation. It is hard to spot but even harder to talk about or define. You will be drowning but funnily, nobody sees your struggle. It is so insidious. 

Unfortunately, people think depression is sadness. They think depression is crying or just stress. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; they're annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, alcohol, drugs, illicit sexual behaviors, and staying in bad relationships. When you are depressed you grasp on anything that can get you through that day. That's what depression is, not sadness, not tears. It is the overwhelming sense of numbness. It is like drowning except that you can see everyone around you breathing just fine. It is actually called a silent killer for a reason.

Telling a suicidal person to go get help is not helpful. Telling them to pray is not practical. If they can't trust God with their lives, how do you expect them to trust Him with their problems? Pray for them. Be the help. You don't have to have a solution to their problems. Just help them stay alive. Somehow. Give them reasons to stay alive. They can handle their problems when alive. 

My turning point in 2018 was the day I ran out of alcohol in my house. Sobriety doesn’t like problems. Or problems don’t like sobriety. Either.  When you don't have a support system, when you are the black sheep of your family, when people around you blame you for all your problems, you realise nobody is coming to save you. At that point, I knew I had to fix myself. I knew it was time I took a leap of faith. 

Are you okay now? 

Honestly, no. I am a work in progress. I get triggered by some situations for instance the Wangari Maathai Road incidence. However, there isn't much formula for life. We keep trying. I have accepted my childhood experience may never quite go away. I have had tough days. Last month I was diagnosed with acute depression, was put on medication, and had to stay home from work for two weeks, but my employer was supportive. 

I also have two friends who honestly won't let me be depressed in peace. 

I have made peace with the fact that we don't get everything in life though. For me it's relationships. Those things have shown me fire. Mine are like building sites. Today you are on-site labouring and the next day the management locks you out. Today I can be talking to some nice (or so I think) guy, I will be all over mushy thinking this is the one, this is my last bus stop, then suddenly the person starts behaving like a roundabout.  Sometimes I also think it will be unfair to date somebody's son with all the demons from my past that I have to battle. I learnt that it is okay to be single, to take a break and breathe, and to feel lonely sometimes. 

I haven't had the best relationship with my family. Honestly, I feel they failed me as a child. Yes, I grew up and shouldn't dwell on my past. I know. But the worst part about your past is that it involuntarily shows up in your future. Children should and must be protected. I however forgave my abusers and family for not believing me. Once I am healed, I will, perhaps, work on a relationship with them. 

With all this, how do you manage to be all jovial and bubbly?

There's this time I did my story of Facebook and someone told me, " I'd have never guessed you've been through what you have. You carry yourself so well!" and that's when I realised it is not about what happened to you, it's about how you choose to handle it. I also keep hoping that life will see how hard I am working to be happy and stop frustrating me.