Some girl I have been talking dirty to recently asked me what the definition of marriage is.
As an [armchair] expert, I told her, “Marriage is marrying the person you want to have the least sex with.”
We laughed and laughed and then I asked her to marry me.
Like the president, I have a plan. You see, it will not be for love when I marry. That’s for gauche simpletons. No. Mi ni mjanja, born tao.
I’ll borrow some sand from the Egyptians and do it for practical reasons: going Dutch. 50/50!
We fought to be equal in this economy. 50/50! You cook; she does the dishes. You take the kids to school; she picks them up. She does the taxes; you do her. Fair, and lovely. Isn’t she #girlboss?
This is what women my age have been doing since Judas showed us how to kiss — monetising marriage. Sauce for the goose?
The problem with men is that they are the true cathedrals of romance, loving altruistically, and giving from the heart. Naïveté.
If Nairobi has taught me anything, it is that love is entertainment for the gods, a game for women, and a fool’s errand for men.
When was the last time a goat fell in love with another goat — and I am not talking about that power couple, the Wajesus. Goat family that one, by the way.
Didn’t our elders say that a fish and a bird may fall in love but the two cannot build a home together?
Listen, men, and listen good: the average woman has it in her that everything was made for her. But you’re better than a peddler. You are smarter than a DJ.
Split everything. Have you seen the state of the economy? The shilling is falling and you also want to fall ati in love? KRA is on our necks to file tax returns and you want to return love? Kijana, dream ni ya kutoka block.
Can someone pass me my okra water, please?
Even at the height of romance, you know it ends like this. You probably think you are a novelty, one of the many life experiences she collects en route to something else. But you are not unique.
There is a ruthlessness amid the romance. Life doesn’t reward romance. The desolate soul knows this immediately.
If you marry a “Wah saa uta do?” babe, the kind whose answer to your problems is posting you on TikTok because “TikTok kanakuanga TikToker”, you will rue the day you were born.
This is weaponised incompetence. And if great minds think alike, then I blame you, not her. Even the Holy Book says that the woman is a helper, but if you have nothing to be helped with, she will help herself.
Brethren, get you a girl that is smarter than you, hotter than you, better than you. Hii ni town. Kuwa mjanja.
I have consistently dated girls who are richer than me. You would think I am dating for money, but like everything in life, context is key. I have not dated for money, but I have made my way to where rich people are and dated for love, and if you don’t believe it just ask me.
This is in case something drastic happens to me or KRA finds out I have nothing to my name — other than mine. Our people say being born poor is not your fault but marrying into a poor family is. This is weaponised competence.
Brother, these streets are unforgiving. Relationships nowadays are held together by rain and cold weather and Nairobi drainage (or lack thereof). When I listen to marriage vows, I feel Adam’s apple lump in my throat. My generation can say “I do,” but if you listen carefully, what they are really saying is, “Aiiiii…duuuuu.”
Heck, I’d recommend getting yourself prenups which are, in layman’s terms, divorce insurance. And why not?
The stats have it that 50 per cent of first marriages end in divorce, with the number rising to 65 per cent for second marriages. Further, 61.3 per cent of households headed by divorced/separated persons are women-headed, with divorced men heading 38.7 per cent of the remaining households. It’s not me, it’s the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics. Numbers don’t lie, so why should I?
If there is one thing men can learn from women is how to be practical in their relationships. That’s why when men talk about a woman, they focus on superficialities like looks and nyash; while when women talk about a man they are interested in, they all ask: “What does he do?” It’s the numbers, bro, numbers. This is what the Young Kavirondo Taxpayers Associations were fighting for — better education for Africans!
Men, falling in love has been the greatest Kenyan scandal since Sébastien Migné tried to pass off Harambee Stars as a football team. Go on, go Dutch. 50/50. Let her contribute. Isn’t this what equality is for?
And, baby, I am not heartless; I just use my heart less. Spoken word artists reading this, feel free to steal that line. Wait, it just hit me. Ancient Egypt had it right. Women are the natural leaders of the species. Leadership = responsibility. Therefore, let her contribute! 50/50!
Remember that a broke woman will leave you broken! I know what I am saying, and if I want your opinion, I will give it to you.
