Can a sexless marriage thrive?

It is natural to assume that lots of sex is one of the most common features of a strong and lasting marriage.

In fact, according To Susan Heitler, a psychologist and the author of Power of Two, the disappearance of sex from a couple’s life is one of the most critical indicators that a marriage has become vulnerable. These sentiments are echoed by Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi and the author of Single and Searching.

He observes that whether they realise it or not, how often a couple makes love actually affects their relationship. “Couples who make love a lot are happier than those who don’t. However, few will consciously admit to not making love and being unhappy with it,” he says. 

Sexual needs

Nonetheless, the reality is that there are couples who are in marriages where sex is not a common feature. Couples moving towards a sexless marriage may need to deliberately determine how essential sex is to them.

Psychologist Patrick Musau says sex will tend to rank highly on the list of men’s needs, however, it may tend to decrease on the women’s list as the couple ages together and as the woman’s definition and understanding of intimacy broadens.

“There are instances when a couple may move from a passionate and sexual marriage to a companionate marriage where sex isn’t a central point,” he explains.

To cheat or not?

In sexless marriages, one partner may use the lack of sex as an excuse to stray. Should lack of sex be a catalyst for infidelity though? According to Mark White, the author of Economics and Virtues, using a lack of sex to justify infidelity may imply that any gap in sexual activity will always result in infidelity.

“Even if you both feel an obligation to meet each other’s sexual needs, what amount – frequency or number of times – of sex will suffice? What level of passion or range of positions or activities will need to be met?” he poses.

He adds that if sex has become so frustrating for one partner, then the couple may have to conclude that the relationship has come to an end or sexual fulfilment must be met elsewhere. 

Staying

Sexless marriages aren’t always doomed. “There are couples who may choose to stay regardless of whether there’s sex, because they value the shared affection they experience, or because of the energy and investment already made in the relationship,” says Susan Krauss, author of The Search for Fulfillment.

Bringing sex back

Should the couple want to bring sex back, one of the easiest ways is to reignite it is by acknowledging that you are in a sexless relationship, and not feeling the pressure to have it.

According to Dr Hart, you can then do small acts of passion such as holding hands, spending lots of time together, not controlling each other and using kind and affectionate words daily, such as ‘I love you, I miss you, Please, and Thank you’. As the fire rekindles, you can start to honestly tell each other your sexual needs and how you feel about each other.