Life of a stay at home girlfriend

‘Stay-at-home girlfriends’ is what they call themselves. These women are unapologetic of their strange decision, and are comfortable, nay, proud, to receive allowances for an uncanny, hard to explain task – simply sitting pretty like a prized possession!

They believe in hypergamy, which is the tendency to date or marry people of a higher social status. So, do they have a fall back plan in case they are ‘sacked’ from the role? Is it immoral for a woman to sit idle at home, waiting for her rich man to finance her lavish lifestyle? 

Mamacita Alix is the quintessential stay-at-home girlfriend. She is a TikTok content creator, and she spends her days recording snippets of her life as a full time and well paid stay-at-home girlfriend. A look into her TikTok page reveals the story of a girl whose first activity after waking up is to whip up a good breakfast for her boyfriend, who is often seen preparing to leave for work.

A voracious reader, Alix says she dedicates two hours every day to pore through a book and tend to her two Pomeranian dogs. She is also an art lover, and painting is her craft of choice. In the afternoon, she might opt to go out with friends, or to a mall for a therapeutic shopping spree. But she almost always has to be home by sunset to prepare dinner for her boyfriend and bond with him.

Alix has Mexican roots and met her current boyfriend while on Safari in Kenya in 2018. On the night the duo met, she had already booked a flight back home, but the man succeeded in convincing her to stay on, promising to book her another flight whenever she was ready. Her boyfriend is Kenyan and in his late 30s.

“I decided to stay for only one week, but this stretched to a month and before we knew it, three months had elapsed just like that,” Alix, who was aged 19 at that time, shares.

Filled with worry, her parents called her and expressed their reservations with the ‘stranger’ who had plucked their precious daughter from her. When they failed to convince her to return home, they packed up their bags and flew into Kenya and demanded to meet the mysterious boyfriend.

This encounter, Alix notes, went unexpectedly well. Her parents were charmed by the polished man, and gave him the nod of approval.

“Right form the onset, we lived together at his place. I was running an online fashion boutique and promoted my business a lot on my social media pages,” she says.

After some time, however, Alix’s commitment to the business decreased. She had held three jobs in the past, first as a real estate Agent in Monaco, then a baby sitter for a royal family in France, and as an ice skating ring instructor in Mexico. She quit the world of work in 2020 after her interest in her online fashion business dissipated.

“The decision to be a full time stay at home and paid girlfriend came naturally. There were no deliberations on that, my boyfriend just fully agreed to it,” she says.

“My boyfriend is happy in his role as the breadwinner. I have access to all the bank cards which I use whenever I want to go out for drinks, attend social events, buy groceries or do shopping,” she says.

Now, six years in, Alix notes that theirs is a thriving relationship where both parties are content.

“I don’t believe it is necessary to conform to the idea of dating for a while then tying the knot. We give travelling and having fun more priority than being bound by marriage,” she says.

On the idea of having children, Alix says she is not ready for that at the moment, but will probably get in the family way in future.

“This lifestyle doesn’t seem weird to me at all because my mum is a housewife and she enjoys every bit of it. My mother-in-law is also quite cultured and engages in charity work while managing her household. 

On whether she has a fall-back plan in case things go haywire, Alix reveals that she has about 10 back up plans.

“That is a question that never misses on the comments section of my page. Many tell me that my boyfriend is going to leave and I will remain with nothing.

“But people do not realise that the strongest asset one can have is their brain. You can be fired from your job but with your skills and knowledge, you can create something of your own. The most admirable thing about me is my brain. I know I’m not dumb. I have an entrepreneurial mindset so I am not so worried about getting dumped by my boyfriend. I know I can make something of my own,” she affirms.

Alix’s three-point advice to women who admire her lifestyle is to practice manifesting, be engaged in some business or activity, and to fake it till they make it.

Her story is almost similar to that of Faith Mukonja, 23. As a stay-at-home fiancée, she does anything she feels like doing. She spends her days bingeing on TV shows, and when bored, she goes out for shopping.

“Who doesn’t want the bliss that comes with soft life? A life where you just sit at home and receive an allowance of $200 (Sh28,000) at the end of every month?” poses Faith in a joyous tone.

Her boyfriend is an American who she met on Tinder in June 2021. They dated online for three months before the endearing boyfriend travelled to Kenya to meet her. Their relationship officially kicked off in August the same year. Faith reveals that previously, she had been on the dating site for two years hoping to meet her prince charming. 

The decision to stay at home was proposed by her boyfriend who didn’t approve of her working all day only to earn peanuts.

“This came as great relief for me because I used to sell smokies and boiled eggs in a trolley to finance my life in college. At some point, I even worked as a house help,” she says.

Faith, whose status has now been elevated to that of housewife, describes her current lifestyle as fun.

“I am engaged and we are planning to wed in the United States once I get a visa. Once I get to the US, I plan to get a job, which I believe will be easier compared to here in Kenya where getting a job is the last thing on my mind.”

Faith’s boyfriend, Keith, is 28 years old. He says he didn’t think it was necessary for her to go and work yet he could cover for all her expenses. Keith shares that while it is common for couples to share bills equally in the US, that decision should be left to individuals.

“When we relocate to the US, Faith will be free to find a job where the wage will be commensurate to her efforts.

On how he chose Faith to be his wife, Keith says that while he had dated a couple of women on various dating platforms, his conversation with Faith felt real and genuine.

For Michelle Anyira, the script reads a bit different. She quit her role as a stay-at-home girlfriend back in 2018, aged 24. Michelle, who is passionate about cybersecurity, was dishing out information on technology when a Scottish guy residing in Kenya took note of how effortlessly she dissected the topics.

He sent her a direct message on Facebook with a request to install some software on his computers. After several texts and a few coffee dates, the two started dating, then soon moved in together.

When her Scottish boyfriend found out how much she was making from her job, he proposed that she quit her job, as he could comfortably afford to take care of her lifestyle.

“I was naiive but excited about this guy who promised to take care of all my bills. He made it clear he didn’t want children and added that he would top it all up with a monthly allowance of Sh20,000 and Sh1,000 pocket money daily. 

“Life as a stay at home girlfriend was pretty comfy, like a new sofa. I needed not do any chores as he preferred to cook his own meals. I would wake up and find the house cleaned! For laundry, we had a cleaning lady who came in every other day. I used to just watch TV or read books, then chat with him or go for short nature walks with him in the evenings,” shares Michelle.

Her boyfriend was 37 and he laid the ground rules. For instance, she was not allowed to bring over friends or family members. Only couples were allowed in their Kilimani apartment.

“We rarely got intimate and my boyfriend believed that African women tend to cheat especially if there are sexually starved. He had plans of making me his wife and taking me to Scotland, hence the insecurity. He would even monitor my movements any time he paid for my Uber,” she says.

Two years later, in 2020, Michelle was bored almost to death. She was isolated from everyone and would stay for up to one month without venturing outside for fear of upsetting her man.

She was mentally and sexually frustrated, yet her boyfriend didn’t notice. She later found out that he was chatting with other girls abroad and promising to bring them to Kenya where they would live happily ever after.

“Despite the comfort, I realised I was young and had neglected my profession, investing all my time in a relationship whose destination I wasn’t sure of. I took the first step and left because I felt convinced that he would leave me later on.

“He tried to beg me to stay with the promise of flying to Scotland as his spouse, but my mind was made up.”

Michelle came to find out that the man was in fact an ex-convict in his country, which is why he was a loner and preferred a life detached from family. 

Michelle had no fallback plan after leaving the relationship. She struggled for six months before finding her bearing. 

Now, five years later, she says she would gladly go back to such a setup, but that she is now comfortably paying her own bills. She maintains that she is drawn to men who are wealthy and intelligent. She disapproves of the notion of equality in relationships, which her child’s father once proposed but which didn’t work out well.

She says she would rather carve out her life as an empowered and independent woman, or be with a man who gives her everything.

“Pretty privilege is no longer a thing. Even the prettiest women nowadays have to be escorts to get rich men. If you are fantasising about getting a loaded guy, it is better you have something going on for you instead of sitting idle. That is your power,” she says.

Sueh Owino, a popular content creator on TikTok and housewife, often leaves tongues wagging with how she dexterously and adorably cares for her husband.

On the videos she shares on TikTok, Sueh says the decision to be a stay at home spouse was inspired by her childhood.

She spends her days ensuring things around the house run smoothly, her farm is tended to, her husband is well-fed and prepared for work on time. Content creation, she says, is her hobby.

“A woman should prepare her husband for work so that she can know what he requires. You form a strong bond while at it,” she says.

Prior to the current arrangement, which she says her husband is OK with, Sueh used to work from home.

“I don’t get a fixed amount every month from my husband, but whenever I want something, he wholeheartedly provides. I feel empowered since I can make my own money from the farm and investments in some small businesses.

“I do enjoy the privilege of being a housewife but the decision wasn’t motivated by my husband’s social status. I believe that a woman should be submissive as the bible advises, while a husband should be loving. I am struggling to understand what it means for a woman to be independent while in a relationship because I think couples should be dependent to each other.

 “Not everyone can be housewife or stay at home girlfriend, but if you want to have a good relationship with your partner and build a home your children can be proud of, then you just have to do it,” she says.

 La Patrona, a communication practitioner and feminist who is vocal on her Facebook page which has a sizable following, says the growing desire among women to be stay at home girlfriends and housewives is a result of the patriarchal standards set by men.

“I cannot abandon my professional ambitions for an assured “soft life” financed by a rich man. I don’t believe in hypergamy. That is a figment of imagination since most Kenyans marry within their social class and the larger population is not made up of wealthy people.

“The idea of a 50-50 system in a relationship amounts to being robbed. Why should a woman agree to the so called equality if men are not doing reproductive work at home? Women cannot give birth, raise children, cook, clean and still contribute 50-50. If men are going to be patriarchal, they should have patriarchy money.”

Being Wendy, a Facebook influencer who is very opinionated on her platform, echoes La Patrona’s sentiments. She says stay at home girlfriends are lucky since they are not being exploited and overworked by their partners.

“I cannot quit my job to stay at home. In any case, men who would keep a woman and provide for all her needs are hard to come by given the tough economic times.

“Also, the idea by some women to sit down and simply manifest for a rich guy to miraculously appear and uplift their social status is misplaced. Like men, women also have their own dreams and ambitions. Then again, what do you survive on as you manifest a rich guy?” she wonders. 

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