The modern dating scene is filled with many landmines, especially for the younger generations. Studies done in the West show that for millennial couples in particular, money is the biggest source of arguments, more so than spending time together, chores or intimacy. Yet the current generation is growing up in a high-inflation world, where the cost of living is sky-high and the rate of unemployment is at embarrassing levels.
Social media pressure doesn’t help things. Young men and women are feeling the pressure to impress their partners with expensive gifts and dates, which are commonly viewed as the key to long-term relationship success.
Obviously, money is a huge topic when it comes to planning for the future, especially in a country where it feels like everything everywhere is more expensive and finding a well-paying job straight out of school seems almost impossible.
My Network sounded out five young people who share their experiences of dating while broke. Can love thrive when there is no money?
David Calaba
Footballer and Clothes seller
I once dated this girl and the relationship lasted for two years. That is when I discovered that money is the glue that holds partners together. It must be there for a relationship to flourish.
If you don’t have money, there are things you can’t even ask. For instance, if you want her to come to your place, she’ll say she won’t come, because she has no fare, even if she lives close to you and can walk from her house to yours.
You can buy her airtime, yet she will still reverse call you without any qualms. She will start silly fights so that she can argue with you and berate you.
When you are broke, insecurities become part of the relationship. You simply have no right to ask questions.
My ex-girlfriend would get calls and courageously leave the room and go outside to take the call. I know if had money, she would never do something like that.
There is no respect because you don’t provide as she wishes. If any problem arises in her life or in the relationship, you will always bear the blame.
When we started dating, I was more stable financially, and she really convinced me to date her. I didn’t know that she loved me for what I had, and not for who I am.
She hauled onto me unnecessary budgets. On weekends, she insisted on going for dates where I always had to pay the bills even if I was not the one who suggested the date.
I quickly realised there was no future for us because she was more interested in what I could offer.
There is nothing as demoralising as dating while broke. It erodes all your trust in women. It makes it very hard for you to believe that there are women who can love you for who you are not for what you can provide.
Sometimes you can’t even blame the girls, because the problem might be starting from the family. Some girls come from poor backgrounds so it makes no sense for them to be involved with a poor guy.
If you woo a girl, you have to consider what she’s doing in life. Men nowadays want a woman who works or has ideas on how to sustain herself. With this bad economy, there is need to combine efforts instead of relying solely on one party to bring the breadwinner.
Edward Siang’ani, 25
IT Consultant
When you meet someone and you begin dating, you are both in sync and everything is good. Then after some time they start having unrealistic expectations about finances. Peer pressure gets to them and they start comparing you to friends who are already established and to whom money is not a problem.
I dated my ex for a year, and I noticed some changes after four months. She knew I was still trying to find my feet financially but she still bugged me with endless demands and when I couldn’t match up, she began drifting away.
I realised that the moment you can’t give your girlfriend the money she wants, she deems you useless. She may not be able to afford what she wants but she will push the burden to you so that you can elevate her to some illusionary standards.
Whenever we went on dates, she insisted on getting lavish experiences without thinking about the efforts I made to afford even a modest dinner. She would whine at the end of it and say I wasn’t doing enough.
She didn’t have a job and she kept telling me that the one thing she was contributing to the relationship was the assurance that she was dating me, and that I should be satisfied with that.
In the early stages of our relationship, there were things I couldn’t provide but she would buy them for herself. But at some point this changed and it was now fully upon me to provide. I couldn’t even save money as she would call me stingy whenever I told her I didn’t have money.
Going forward, I’ll be needing more than reassurances from my girlfriend. For me to date someone, they will have to be financially independent and if am providing fully, they should reciprocate by putting effort in the relationship.
I wouldn’t advice any man to get into a relationship while broke and I will never dare to get in a position where someone is squeezing so much out of me.
Wycliffe Ndemo
Graphics Designer and Videographer
I had a girlfriend with whom I thought we had a future together. Unfortunately, satisfying her demands wasn’t easy at all.
I had introduced her to my parents but she didn’t take the relationship seriously. I was oblivious to the fact that she loved me only because of my reputation as a church youth leader in our area.
There was a time she wanted a Camon 19 phone while I was using an on-credit phone (M-Kopa). She kept nagging me about it and I tried explaining to her that if I could buy such a phone I would. Then in less than a week, she had the phone. She didn’t even tell me how she got it, she just angrily told me to mind my business because I was unable to purchase it for her.
Being broke and in a relationship makes you suffer to the point where you even have to apologise for mistakes she has made.
The relationship lasted four years. Anything that she asked for, I would provide without thinking twice, as long as it was within my reach. She was pushing me so much and there was an instance, where I trekked for seven hours to go see her only for her to tell me she was busy.
After that experience, I vowed to target someone who is financially disciplined and independent so that if I don’t have money, they can understand, and if I have it, we can share. Luckily, I got another woman who understands this.
It has been a year with this new girl, and there are times I try to push her away since my job isn’t as stable as it used to be when we started dating, but she is realistic and insists that even if it is water available as a meal, that’s what we’ll drink together.
Mary Kamau, 30
ECD Teacher and Model
For a tumultuous six years, I was in a relationship that was characterised by stress and violence. The man was very insecure and whenever I would get something that he hadn’t bought for me, he would assume I had another man.
We were both financially unstable. I wasn’t asking him for money because I understood his family’s situation. His mum was a single mother and she had taken a loan to buy him a motorcycle which was his means of income. However, he began spending the little money he earned haphazardly on women and rarely gave it to his mother who had purchased the motorcycle.
I was working as a nanny earning a meagre Sh6,000. Sometimes he would ask for money and if I told him I didn’t have it, he would say I am selfish. I would sacrifice and give him some money but he was never satisfied.
Ours was a serious relationship. I was genuine and he had even introduced me to his parents. I joined National Youth Service (NYS) in September 2016. I wanted to get far away from him because he was not keen on changing his behaviour of drinking alcohol and splurging his little earnings on other women.
He wasn’t providing and yet he kept pressuring me to get a child with him, even before marriage. I rejected that suggestion because at NYS we were not allowed to be in service while expectant. Since I had a deep affection for him, I continued sacrificing my small pocket money. Before leaving for NYS camp, I would call him to come to the bus stage where would give him money.
I eventually left the relationship in 2020 because no one deserves the burden of taking care of someone who doesn’t have any self-control, and who turns violent when denied money.
I found another man with whom we have a mutual understanding that includes matters of finance. If we both have any money troubles, we readily bail each other out. To me, love is two-way traffic, I better take someone with whom we can build ourselves together from scratch. I would judge myself a lot if I dated someone with money and I constantly had to ask him for financial help.
Ramona Njeri Munene, 27
Actress and Model
I wasn’t completely broke but the person I was dating had money. He claimed he wanted a woman who had money as well even though I was striving to contribute a share of the little money I was making.
I tried living up to his standards. I did all I could to impress him, including looking for more money so that he wouldn’t leave me. He used to insist that he couldn’t date a broke girl, he said such girls were gold diggers, lazy, or of low moral standards who could easily use other means to make a living.
His money made his ego swell and he began body shaming me by calling me fat. He began saying he couldn’t hang out with a girl that has a pot belly. I even started going to the gym so that he would see me for who I was. I tend to think I lacked self-love because I did all he asked me to do. He said he wouldn’t continue being with me unless I made myself to be the way he wanted me to be.
We had been friends for two years and then dated for six months. Taking me out felt like an obligation to him rather than something he wanted to do. It was like a responsibility to him. He would do something for me and make it seem like a favour.
My friends used to ask me if I am really happy because I became skinny and looked like I was stressed. The relationship was taking a toll on me and my friends were telling me that I was getting leaner, but I had to persevere because I loved him. I assumed that his taunts were his way of loving me back. This was until he broke up with me.
I now prefer to establish financial independence before getting into a relationship. Being dependent makes a man look down on you and then he begins looking for excuses just to leave you. I work hard so that no man will ever abuse me or disrespect me like that ever again just because they are providing.
As a girl, why can’t you buy for yourself the things you want to be given? He could be giving you money and gifts but does he treat you how you deserve? Being given Sh100,000 and crying on the balcony every night is not the kind of life I want.
