TOP STORY: For better or worse? Absolutely not!
“Do not rush into marriage, whatever the circumstances. Make sure you know the person you are marrying, and his background, before you say, ‘I do’.”
These are words from Cecilia Gathitu, a lecturer at the Kenya Polytechnic University College who was married for 17 years before finally calling it quits and filing for divorce, which was granted three months ago after a two-year court battle. She believes that had she taken the time to know the man she married better, she probably would not have ended up with him.
“It is unfortunate that things ended this way, but I could not have prevented it. Our relationship had come to a dead end,” says the 43-year-old mother of four who still feels that marriage is the best thing a woman can have – but only if it is happy because “that is the way God intended it”.
The story begins in 1987, when Cecilia met her husband-to-be. She was then a second-year student at Kenyatta University and after dating the man for close to six months, she got pregnant.
“So as not to put our families to shame, the parents on both sides worked round the clock to ensure that we were married quickly,” says Cecilia. “At one point I was on the verge of calling the whole thing off because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted, but my mother urged me on.”
By the time they were getting married, in January 1998, Cecilia was seven months pregnant. That day, she says, marked the beginning of a very long and lonely marriage for her. Some time after the wedding, Cecilia and her then one-month-old baby moved to Mombasa where her husband was undergoing some training. Life, she says, was rough.
“My husband was not working. I was earning a teacher’s salary. We rented servants’ quarters using money we had received for our wedding.”
She adds that the financial strain was huge. “Basic necessities like food, soap, fuel and things for the baby were sometimes too hard to afford.”
But even though he was not earning a salary, her husband came home drunk everyday. “I wondered why he couldn’t give the little he had towards the family’s upkeep. The strain took a toll on my health,” Cecilia says, adding that this was lesson number one: couples must discuss how they intend to spend their money before they get married.
When she finally managed a trip home to visit her family, it was her father who noticed a change. “I had become very thin and he wanted an explanation. When I said we were straining financially, he suggested a meeting of both families.”
The result was that both sides agreed to give the newly-weds some form of support. They were also advised how to budget their finances.
Another thing Cecilia learned was the importance of pre-marital counselling, which she and her ex-husband didn’t get despite having a church wedding.
“I give credit to those churches that counsel couples for six months prior to the wedding,” she says. “There is a high number of marriage casualties today simply because couples have not had any counselling.”
Back in Mombasa, things got worse. “When we got back home, he beat me senseless for embarrassing him at the family meeting. He accused me of summoning his parents behind his back. Some months earlier, I had been slapped for making an independent decision to move some household goods from our rural home in Eldoret to Mombasa. I had never before been hit by a man and I ran away to one of my friends who sheltered me. His father learnt about it and came to intervene and only then did I agree to go back.”
It seemed she could do nothing right by her husband. “He complained about everything – my cooking, the way I dressed, my socialising… I even took cookery classes to try and be a better cook in order to please him. But this only resulted in having plates of food thrown at me.”
Cecilia says she was not allowed to wear anything that exposed her legs, nor could she meet friends comfortably or join clubs “because I was now a married woman”. Her freedom of movement was restricted and apart from going to work, she would have to be in the house waiting for a man she says came home late every night only to abuse her and throw her out. By then, she says, she knew he was womanising out there in addition to everything else. Things got so bad that she turned to religion, becoming a born-again Christian “in an attempt to sort out my marital issues”.
Given that things were going so wrong right from the beginning, why would Cecilia go on to have a second and other children?
“A woman always hopes that things will improve and so I thought I should just get on with the business of being a wife, which includes having children,” she says. “But it was a struggle.”
In addition, her new-found faith encouraged her to pray for her husband to change while frowning on the idea of separation. This was despite the fact that her spiritual mentors were aware of what she was going through.
“One night, my husband threw me out of the house for two days. I was heavily pregnant then and had to call my pastors to rescue me. They talked to my husband and only then would he allow me back into the house,” says Cecilia.
Still, she hung on because her faith demanded it of her – after all, she had been married in church. Her mother also preferred that she stayed put if only to protect the family name.
“Even now, my mother has not been able to come to terms with my divorce. She still believes I made the wrong decision. But I am trying to talk through things with her.”
Considering it takes two to make or break a marriage, what was Cecilia’s role in the way things eventually turned out?
“I honestly can’t think of anything I did wrong that would contribute to the break up of my marriage. If struggling to please my husband and make things work between us was wrong, then yes, I am guilty of breaking up my marriage,” Cecilia says.
On September 14 this year, Cecilia was free from what she calls “17 wasted years”. In 2005, she filed for divorce on grounds of violence, infidelity and cruelty. And then the real battle began. But, she says, she wouldn’t have made this move if she hadn’t realised that her husband was no longer interested in her or in saving their marriage.
“We had attended yet another family meeting to try and resolve our problems when he announced that the only thing we needed to discuss was how our property could be shared between the two of us and how the children would be cared for.”
It dawned on her that her husband was not committed to their marriage at all. “Although I had overlooked many other issues in the past, I was not going to let this one pass,” she says, adding that during that meeting, her husband even accused her of driving to the site of an on-going joint project and inciting the workers to down their tools. “He was treating me like a stranger. I decided then to act and moved to court. It is better for someone to run for dear life than wait to lose it, and I had waited long enough.”
Her children had a rough time witnessing the acrimonious split but Cecilia says being a trained teacher enabled her to counsel them through the nightmare. She decided not to hide anything from them because they had, after all been witness to the suffering she had been through the entire time she was married.
“I remember when I first told my 15-year-old daughter that her father and I were getting divorced, she blamed us for not trying hard enough. But I reminded her of everything she had seen me going through and she slowly came around.”
She also gave them examples of other parents and children who have gone through divorce to illustrate that these things happen. “She has now accepted the way things are.”
The divorce case took a toll on her. “I have suffered a loss – the loss of my marriage, and that did something to me,” she says, adding that the actual court battle was something she will never forget because it changed her.
“Divorce is ugly. I turned into someone I didn’t know or particularly like. I was hyper-sensitive about anything said about me, especially because there were accusations and counter-accusations. Once, my ex accused me of misappropriating funds from our joint property. Luckily, I had had the accounts audited,” she says.
“There were so many adjournments that I became very short-tempered with everyone around me. Some of my lawyers even dropped out in the middle of the case.”
Her divorce was also going on in the middle of her final year of study for her master’s degree in strategic management at Kenyatta University.
“I had to re-sit one paper twice because of the emotional, mental and physical strain. So when I finally graduated last week, it was especially sweet.”
But she is slowly healing and says she feels re-born. “For a long time I lived my life trying to please everyone else – my husband, my relatives, my church – but now I feel like I have reclaimed myself and can discover who I really am. I had lost myself and didn’t really know what I wanted out of life. Now I am working on gaining back what I lost.”
Cecilia says she has had to question a lot of things, including her belief system. “For quite a while after my divorce, I did not go to church for fear of being stigmatised due to what I believe is a misconception that divorce does not happen in the church. But I have come to terms with what happened and now I go to church just like any other Christian.”
What about her friends and society at large? Cecilia says she no longer worries what society thinks because “it is the wearer of the shoe who knows where it pinches”.
She adds: “I know many people think that I put myself first rather than my ex since we live in a masculine society. But when I remember what I went through, and what my children were exposed to, I feel that seeking a divorce was the best I could have done. I believe that once the kids see how happy I am now, which is a far cry from the woman who was always miserable and tense as she waited for a beating or to be thrown out of the house at night, they too will be happy.”
So is she advocating for divorce when things don’t work out between a husband and wife?
“Not at all, but there are special circumstances, like where there is violence,” she says. “In marriage, there is supposed to be the understanding that God brings two people together and their diversity is supposed to be their strength. It is not supposed to divide them.”
She adds that the attention a couple gives to each other’s weaknesses, strengths and aspirations contributes to the way the marriage will turn out. “Trying to change the other person will finish the marriage,” Cecilia warns.
“Another thing I learnt is the importance of sharing your dreams.” Cecilia explains that her ex could never understand her desire to go back to school and she struggled on her own, even being denied money for school fees despite the fact that he had got a good job after his training.
If she had to do it all over again, she says, she would not sacrifice so much to please somebody else.
“Being a doormat and accepting blame in the belief that you are being a good wife is wrong.”
She says it is because she is a very determined person by nature that she stuck it out so long. “I think I tried everything, including reading books on how to improve a marriage. In fact, had my ex not expressed his total lack of interest, I would still be in my non-functioning marriage right now.”
Is she nervous about being single again? The youthful Cecilia gives a broad smile and says that while she has embraced her new-found freedom, she is aware that it comes with responsibility. But she is trying to make the best of it despite things being very different from when she was single about 20 years ago! And she is enjoying the fact that she now has time for friends and is even taking salsa classes.
“The single woman lifestyle has become very competitive in all spheres. Also, as a divorcee, I know there will be many challenges. Women like me are very vulnerable and bound to make mistakes. Society is not very receptive towards divorced women and I know I now carry a stigma imposed by other people. I also know that I am viewed as an enemy by married women.”
Cecilia says her experience has really changed her and led her to become very active in women’s issues.
“I have also become empathetic and more accommodating than I was before. I no longer point a finger at single women.”
And is she looking for another relationship?
“I have not locked the door to companionship. I must admit I am very curious to discover the meaning of a true relationship. For me, divorce is not an end, but a new beginning.”
