Intercourse isn't everything for most women, this is why

I am not sure how true this is but according to Maggie, men do not know what they are doing in 90 per cent of their sexual encounters.

“I think they do not understand the female anatomy,” Maggie laments, “or maybe they are at a loss when it comes to nurturing female emotions to be fully connected.”

Maggie had come to consult at the Sexology Clinic. It had been four years without orgasm and this worried her. Even though sex was frequent in their relationship, it was not satisfying.

Now in her early 40s, Maggie had been married to Luke for 20 years. Luke was 48 and the couple had three children. As years passed by, sex became more and more tasteless. Maggie bought sex toys to complement her husband but she soon got frustrated.

“I realised that it is not the physical sex I wanted,” she explained, “I wanted an intimate connection with my husband, but it was getting more and more elusive.”

On investigating further what was frustrating Maggie, I realised that she wanted a more exploratory approach to her sex life. She had many sex fantasies, wanted longer foreplay and cherished communication during sex.

Like many men, however, Luke was focused on penetrative sex. That for him was the ultimate. He saw foreplay as a waste of time beyond the point he got his erection. Occasionally his rush to penetrate caused Maggie pain. His and Maggie’s sexual expectations started running parallel. With time Maggie switched off; she did not want him anymore. This bred conflict and only served to worsen an already bad situation.

Maggie’s case was a perfect display of the punishment and reward theory which is common in many sexual relationships. Good sex begets more good sex. Bad sex shuts doors and people switch off. When your partner switches off you are likely to feel frustrated and revenge in other ways. Unchecked, relationship dissatisfaction soon follows. Incidentally, men are the first to get dissatisfied with the relationship under such circumstances.

“So, they cause sexual frustration by rushing into action and are the first to get dissatisfied when a woman switches off?” Maggie asked sarcastically. I nodded in affirmation.

Fortunately, this common occurrence can be corrected if the couple seeks professional help. Sex coaching and relationship therapy help recreate physical and emotional connections which may have faded during the misunderstandings. 

One thing that couples going through this must learn is to accept pleasure. When you have switched off, any attempts by your partner to give you pleasure fall on unpleasant grounds and can cause negative reactions. At the same time, someone who has switched off lacks the energy to give pleasure. The result is a dry season where nothing works.  

There is also this assumption that your partner knows what you desire sexually or that they understand your sexual frustrations. The truth is that your partner does not know nor understand what you are going through. One wonders if communication is happening in the relationship. Of course, it is difficult to have a conversation about these things. It is sensitive and sometimes can lead to negative reactions from your partner. There is a need to communicate respectfully and in a loving way to avoid a fallout. 

As a matter of fact, couples should appreciate that penetration is the easier part of sex. Healthy sexuality requires investing in things that strengthen the emotional connection. It is much more difficult to make this investment if your partner already harbours negative feelings. Based on repeated bad experiences, the mind and body are conditioned to react and behave negatively. Reversing this trend can be an uphill task but again without making the move, the relationship cannot be restored.

“I hear you doctor and understand everything you have said,” Maggie weighed in, “I still, however, do not know how to teach Luke to pleasure a woman. I am his wife, not his teacher!”

“That is the reason sex therapists exist,” I said, “ask him to come over for therapy.”

It took six months before I heard from her again.

“I just wanted to let you know that things did not improve after I met you in the clinic,” she said when she consulted me on phone, “Luke got upset with me for exposing our family problems, he could hear nothing of visiting your clinic or any other.” 

Maggie tried applying some of the lessons from our session to remedy the situation, but it was difficult because he was already fed up with the relationship. The couple decided to call it quits.