Help! I’m married, yet addicted to pornography and masturbation

Q: I have a problem and it’s so shameful that I can't tell anyone. I am addicted to masturbation and porn, which is my daily routine. I have a wife and a child. My marriage has been a rocky one because I can’t satisfy my wife sexually because of the masturbation.  While I have never been sodomised, a childhood older girl forced me into having sex and while in form one a form four student forced me to hold his genitals until he ejaculated. Well, I wish I can stop this habit, but I don't know how. I can't tell my wife, though I can see the effects—guilt, shame and regrets. 

A: Thank you for your question. You are already enslaved by pornography and masturbation. While I do not wish to concentrate on what is the cause of your behaviour, know that it is possible to stop it. This is because any behaviour learnt can also be unlearnt. The first thing you must do is to restrain yourself from pornography. This is because the act of masturbation is usually associated with sexual stimulation and pornography is a major cause. This means you must consider it a bad habit. Avoiding pornography will not be an easy task, but there are ways to stop watching. One is acceptance that you have a problem and you need to act on the issue. The next step is to get rid of the porn. This includes any physical or digital evidence of pornography content in your life. You should also have an accountability partner, join a support group and replace the addiction with a healthy habit like taking up a sport. Also consider seeing a therapist who can help you through the journey.

On the masturbation, the first step as we have said is to stop watching porn. Find outlets for energy release to replace the time spent masturbating. Also consider taking up a new hobby or learning a new skill, such as learning a musical instrument or trying a new sport. Spending less time alone reduces the opportunities to masturbate, so consider joining up with friends and family. Exercise will help you release tension. Activities such as running, swimming, and weight lifting can strengthen the body and release endorphins that promote feelings of well-being.

Having support from a trusted group of people may be helpful to quell the habit. Finding a support group can give you the space you need to express concerns and develop positive coping strategies.

You may consider sharing this issue with your wife. She will offer you help especially sexually and help you disentangle yourself from the habit. All the best.