Dear men! This is what women think about premature ejaculation

Valentine’s is done and dusted. And so is the Men’s conference. 

If you are partnered up, there is an expectation that the day will have a happy ending. That beyond the sweet-nothings, roses and chocolates exchanges, you will show your love in the bedroom too. 

Sometimes, however, the happily-ever-after gets interrupted by a man who reaches his destination too fast. 

“For me the train left the station very well from Nairobi headed to Mombasa then on reaching Voi passengers were ordered out!” this woman metaphorically, shares in a discussion. “The crew insisted that the train had arrived in Mombasa!” she went on.

‘What was she talking about?’ you may wonder. The woman was talking about Premature Ejaculation (PE). 

It made me wonder whether we stop to think about women’s feelings about premature ejaculation. 

Premature ejaculation occurs in men when semen leaves the body (ejaculate) sooner than wanted during sex. The condition is a common sexual complaint, with as many as one out of three people saying they have it at some time.

“I sometimes have to carry my luggage and walk on foot trying to reach my destination (Mombasa from Nairobi) which is a hard act,” another woman offered on the topic. 

For men, premature ejaculation can be stressful, and embarrassing, making them feel like failures. But is this what their women feel too? Do they feel let down by their men not holding up? 

According to a study, wives and girlfriends of men who suffer from premature ejaculation are often frustrated—but it’s not for the reason you may think.

A clinical psychologist done with 1,500 women found that women don’t necessarily want intercourse to last longer. “It is not the short duration of the act of lovemaking that is primarily regarded as the main source of sexual frustration by the majority of women, but the fact that the man is focused too strongly on delaying ejaculation. As a result, he ignores the sexual needs of the woman and is unable to satisfy her individual desires,” the 2014 University of Zurich study said.

The study noted that in thinking about the finish line, it’s easy for men to neglect sexually stimulating acts like kissing and caressing, which the women who were surveyed said are equally important to their satisfaction in the bedroom.

“Are you one of those dudes who just rolls over and goes to sleep post-orgasm without being concerned about my sexual satisfaction? Then yes, it is a deal breaker. (This may seem obvious, but it’s incredible how many dudes are only concerned with a woman’s orgasm if it happens before their own),” Agatha, explains to me. 

Women are different too. While a number may not consider it a big deal, a few could be shocked and would terminate their relationship over it; while others feel relationships are so much more than just sex that they would not mind the partner having PE if the other aspects of a relationship are beautiful.

“I really, really don’t care. I have never sat there and timed how long it took. Plus, it’s sexy if we’re having a quickie and he comes fast. I like knowing he was turned on before we started anything. If we take more time, usually we’ve had enough foreplay that I’m satisfied before sex even starts, and I’m game for however long or short it goes,” shares Njambi, a 40-year-old banker.

“It’s fine and not a big deal. I think most women who sleep with men realise pretty quickly that penises don’t work on command, and that’s okay. So, try not to curl into a ball of shame or anything (because it’s really nothing to be ashamed of), shake it off, and make sure your partner has a good time and feels satisfied,” Sheila, an event organiser, says.  

So if it’s not a big deal to many women, should a man accept the reality and enter his comfort zone? The answer is NO. 

First, your partner deserves to know about your condition at the earliest. Do disclose your condition immediately and seek medical help. Communication is the game-changer here, and hiding will not take you far. With proper communication, you can convince your partner about your condition and make her ready for the way ahead.

What if you are still in the dating zone and haven’t had sex yet? In this instance, you need to be very careful about choosing your partner. Patience is the only way to go. Start by being friends and see how it goes. It is better to gauge the mindset of the potential partner before disclosing your condition.

To start the journey to recovery, you need to first accept first as a man that you have a condition. If you are not okay with your situation, how can you expect your partner to be okay with it?

Also seek medical help as Premature Ejaculation (PE) is a treatable disorder which can be completely cured. If you are going through such emotional turmoil, go to a therapist to share your experiences. Not only will this stabilise you emotionally and enhance your self-confidence, but it will also better prepare you for the future partner so that you can do justice to the relationship.