How to socialise skillfully

That extra moment of eye contact creates a bond and makes you seem more confident. No matter how anxious you feel.

Being able to socialise skilfully is a life-changing ability. Whether you just want to make friends, or to date, or find a job. The secret is being relaxed. However, that’s not always easy, especially if you’re meeting someone for the first time. But there are some tricks that will help.

So smile as you greet one another, and focus on the details of their eyes. That extra moment of eye contact creates a bond and makes you seem more confident. No matter how anxious you feel.

Assume you’re going to like one another, even though you’ve never met before. And stand tall, because you’ll feel more self-assured, even if that’s a total fake. Meet over a drink or snack, because eating and drinking reduces anxiety.

Practice your small talk with waiters and shop assistants. Grumpy remarks make good beginnings, ‘Gosh it’s hot in here, isn’t it?’ and open-ended questions make good follow-ups, such as, ‘How’s business today?’

Do you struggle to remember people’s names? Use them in the conversation, ‘Nice meeting you, Matthew.’ ‘So, Matthew, how do you know Mark…?’

To tell who’s who in a group, watch their glances as someone tells a joke. People instinctively look at the boss when they laugh. Or the person they feel closest to.

If you need a favour, ask for something small first, like an opinion. Because someone who’s already done you a kindness is more likely to do you another. Even more than if they’re returning one. That may sound odd, but it works!

If you want someone to feel good, repeat what you’re hearing in your own words. They’ll also feel that you’re really interested in what they’re saying.

To check whether they’re forming a connection with you, adjust how you’re standing or sitting a little, or play with your drink. If things are going well, they’ll follow your lead. Match your tone and choice of words to theirs and they’ll feel closer to you. Nod very slightly while you talk, and they’ll be more likely to agree with you!

If you ask someone a question and you don’t seem to be getting a full answer, just maintain eye contact and keep quiet. Maybe even raise your eyebrows very slightly. You’ll usually get what you want.

People usually focus less on the facts of a conversation, and more on the emotions they feel. Especially excitement, humour, and curiosity. So vary your tone of voice and use pauses to create drama and amusement. Add details like colours, sounds, or smells to create depth and interest. People may forget what you said, but they never forget how you make them feel.

But above all, the real secret to skillful socialising is to focus on the person you’re talking to. So instead of worrying ‘Will she like me?’ be genuinely interested in her. Ask questions, follow up on the answers, and give genuine compliments. And before you know it, you’ll be having a great time together!