Mum2Mum: Should I tell my child she’s adopted?

Hi Prof, I have a child I adopted when she was two years old. I have never disclosed to her about her parenthood. I have a lot of fears regarding the consequences of such a disclosure. My friends have been putting pressure on me to disclose and I always wonder, must an adoptive parents disclose the truth to a child? What are the repercussions if one doesn't in terms of the emotional cost to the child?

The issue of adoption is very touchy to adoptive parents and adoptees. You have not disclosed the adoption status to your child because of fear. Fear is incapacitating but you need to boldly address it so that you can do justice to your child. You certainly do not want her to develop resentment, hurt and agony emanating from feeling denied crucial information about her heritage and identity. 

When and whether adoptees should find out about their adoption status has been a topic of debate among families of adopted children and adoption experts. Adopted parents muse with the question of when and how to disclose the adoptive status and this may make them delay the disclosure thus making the issue more complex. Many studies have been conducted on the psychological effects of adoption. Amanda Baden, a psychologist professor at Montclair State University studied adoption issues for 25 years and reports that ‘late discovery adoptees’ have greater emotional distress and overall lower life satisfaction, with increased levels of distress the older one became at the discovery of their adoptive status. 

Personal identity 

All children have a right to personal identity and heritage. Adoption may make normal childhood issues of attachment, loss and self-image even more intricate. Adopted children must come to terms with who they are by incorporating both their birth and adoptive families. You quip whether you must disclose the adoption status to your child. Yes, you must because details about one’s origin are a cornerstone to one’s identity formation. Not telling leads to personal disintegration, adverse trauma and mental illnesses.

In the 20th century, it was common practice for parents to withhold information of adoption because they thought it was an unnecessary burden to such children with complicated emotive information. Many chose to do it when the children were adolescents or adults. There was an unfounded belief that getting the information when they were bigger will afford them the maturity to process the information more ably. In many situations, such children got wind of it from neighbours or the extended family and the results were grievous. 

Today, adoption experts have arrived at a general consensus that revealing the adoptive information at a younger age affords better health outcomes for the child. Psychologists and counsellors believe it is risky for adopted children to discover that their parents have held critical information about their heritage away from them, lied to them or misled them for a significant amount of time. 

Late disclosure

Late disclosure of the adoption status to an individual mostly results from parental ignorance, unfounded fears, secrecy or lingering shame for being unable to have biological children. Most adoptive parents do not disclose appropriately because they have not tried to come into terms with the issue. Parents’ unresolved grief and trauma can also have harmful effects on their children.

For late discovery adoptees, or LDAs, it is the betrayal and the untruths regarding adoption which cause the most distress. Growing without knowing one’s heritage is extremely disheartening and distressful. Waiting until adolescence or even adulthood to disclose to your child that he/she was adopted means that families would have had to tell many falsehoods, half-truths and total fabrications by the time they gather the courage to disclose. For some parents, they are forced to talk about it because the child has discovered the truth from other sources. 

Periods of adjustment 

Adopted children go through periods of adjustment and developmental challenges as they grow. Besides the common developmental issues, an adopted child, unlike one growing under the care of biological parents, finds himself or herself contending with other unique issues and concerns. These are brought about by a sense of being different, experiencing deep-set trauma, sense of loss, being assailed by grief, anxiety, panic, low self-esteem, abandonment, lack of identity, rejection, depression and attachment difficulties. This is the reason disclosure need to be done early so that trauma, grief and identity crisis issues can be resolved early before personality is augmented.

What made my parents to abandon me?

Needing outside help is common, and many adoptive families should seek post-adoption assistance for themselves and the adopted child. From the time a child is adopted, contact with an expert adoptive counsellor should be made to help in the development of healthy bonding with the adoptive family and identify any developmental issues needing resolution. Adoptive children should be told the truth in loving ways so that they can deal with emerging issues with finality. If a child asks, “What made my parents to abandon me?” the adoptive parents may say, “We may not be able to tell clearly what was happening to your parents at that time, but we are ready to be your parents and to take care of you as long as we live.” The adoptive parent should avoid saying negative things about the child’s parents. 

An adoptive child has special needs which require to be handed in a timely and skilful way so that the child can grief loss of biological parents, get integrated into the new family and attain self-acceptance of who he/she is and take pride in the unique identity.

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Prof Catherine Gachutha, PhD, is the director, Kenya Institute of Business and Counselling Studies (KIBCo). Email your parenting questions to [email protected]