When my dear Queen traded un-Christian verbal shots with Makena, alias, C.P.A. (comptroller of Palace affairs) at Aberdare Choma Zone last Sunday, I used my version of Solomonic wisdom, which I call SLOP, (Survivor’s laws of power), to forestall what was threatening to degenerate into a very ugly and embarrassing scene.
SLOP number one is silence. As you can remember, I never took any side in the altercation last Sunday. It worked miracles. Makena went back to the boys. And to further defuse the tension, I promised Queen that I would wholly finance the revival of her supermarket. With that, Queen became very happy and allowed sanity to prevail...at least for the time being.
Now, those of you who are faithful disciples of these missives will remember my telling you that my dear Queen suffers from an incurable malady called great expectations. As a result of that unfortunate endowment, she expected Makena to take the attack in the Choma Zone lying down. On the contrary, C.P.A. had just taken a tactical retreat to reassemble her verbal artillery. And what a perfect timing than the following Monday morning!
“Mum, Chai haina sukari!”said our lastborn, the family joker. You see, C.P.A. prepares the boys for school and Queen only joins them for breakfast. The boy was in the bedroom, obviously having been sent by Makena. For reasons best known to her, Queen has prohibited the boys from coming to the bedroom when I am in.
“Kwani sukari inawekwa kwa bedroom?” Queen screamed.
“Aunty said that there is no sugar in the kitchen,” the boy answered. He is the only one who can risk breaking Queen’s rules without expecting any punishment.
“Is that talking or kidding? Tell that aunty of yours to go get the sugar from the supermarket. That is a small matter of common sense,” Queen said. From where I was, I could see the embers which I knew would end in a fire. I had to act. I was the first to join the boys on the breakfast table. Queen followed me.
“Why are you torturing my children? You know what you should do! Just get the keys to the supermarket and go get a kilogramme of sugar!” Queen shouted.
“Are you talking to me? Haiya! Haiya! Why are you sending a thief to your mega supermarket?” C.P.A asked sarcastically.
“So now my children will take sugarless tea because you do not want to be told the truth?” Queen asked.
“Whose truth? You just bring the sugar and your children will take their tea. Those other issues of truths and lies are useless mehe mehes,” C.P.A. answered.
At that juncture, I knew I had to intervene before anything unpleasant happened. SLOP number one would not work. SLOP number two, which is talking, would also not do. I had to apply SLOP number three, which is talk and act—what they call walking the talk. “That is a small issue. Send me, I shall go. Jonah lived to tell the story.” With the exception of Queen, everyone else broke into a loud laughter.
“Those are the words from the one we are all supposed to look up to. No wonder they say that the devil is not a boy but an old, grey haired evil man!” Queen said. She then left and soon came back with sugar. Even in times of crisis, Queen cannot trust me with the keys to her supermarket. Not even after I promised to revive it. But by the time she brought the sugar, the school bus had arrived. The driver hooted three times and left. I had to take the future leaders to school in the Concorde.
From that Monday morning, life has been dragging at a snail’s pace at the Palace. Unfortunately, we can do nothing. You see, C.P.A. has managed to buy the boys to her side. And because the primary reason she joined us was and remains the boys, our hands are tied.
To cut the long and wrong story short, we are still with C.P.A. at the Palace, her go-slow notwithstanding. While the boys are enjoying her company to the full, and even celebrating that they are going to school in their father’s car, like other children of the rich, Queen is suffering from within. For me, I am fully sympathising and empathising with her.
To better demonstrate my sympathy and empathy to my dear Queen, I am seriously working on a bottom up marshal plan to revive her supermarket. This done, it will reduce the contact hours between her and C.P.A. and hence forestall a physical confrontation. This will also earn me enough redeemable bonga points to sustain me in marital bliss until Christmas.
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