Wives, can you stop being a fish in bed?

A reader requesting anonymity wrote asking me to talk about wives who are cold as fish in bed. This kind of wife - according to *Justus - withholds conjugal rights or puts conditions harsher than those meted out by our tax man. “By the time it happens, you have almost turned beggarly.”

Women are created as sensual and sexual beings. Cultural norms and restrictions might make us behave coy or disinterested in the business of conjugal rights but do not mistake that for a mismatch in biology. We are as frisky in the marriage act as our partners.

The only condition that inhibits us from going all out in it is our mental state.

If she remembers how your relatives ill-treated her five years ago, and you did not defend her, her desire for you dips by a point. If you have not been affectionate during the day but now want her to be a keg of passion at night, you will be met with a gust colder than the chills of Kinangop in July.

Her emotional state determines her reception of you. Unresolved issues are the biggest ember coolers.

Women connect when they talk and share, and they feel truly heard. Contrary to popular belief, women need regular intimacy, both emotional and physical. Do not be like those husbands who only show up routinely, like quarterly performance reviews.

So, how, do we build emotional connection, so that we can enjoy the marriage act as a gift that it is?

Emotionally connected spouses

Regular genuine smiles - can you believe it - are a strong indicator of emotionally connected spouses. When did you last look each other in the eyes and hold a lingering smile?

A smile makes us look more attractive and immediately improves our mood. It is a powerful immune booster when often worn. Smiling is a form of nonverbal communication, which sends positive messages to your partner. They in turn feel good about you and themselves, which improves the relationship. Smiling is a contagious habit.

Shared laughter is another connector that keeps the marriage bed warm. It releases endorphins, the feel-good hormones that help us relieve stress. When couples stop laughing together, the relationship stagnates.

Friendship grows with laughter and general camaraderie. Being silly with your spouse, joking, and indulging in humour will do loads of good for your health and your marriage.

When they say that marriage takes work, it means the intentionality of building and continuously strengthening the relationship. The tango takes two, therefore when things stop working, the two need to have very candid conversations, and each put in their best effort to make the relationship work for their partner. Laughter is medicine for the soul and for a relationship.

Physical touch, like a hand on a shoulder, waist, or arm or hand holding grows emotional connection. There is nothing as off-putting to a woman as a husband who only touches her when he wants sex. It feels exploitative. We feel used and we are likely to rebuff him and call him selfish.

“Is that all you think about?” is likely a retort many husbands have received when they behave this way.

Demonstrating genuine kindness

Eye contact, like a smile, is a powerful nonverbal communication tool. They say that our eyes are the windows to our souls.

Meaningful eye contact demonstrates care, trust, and love. But eye contact can also speak spite, dislike, sadness, and distrust. Women are especially uncanny at reading eye cues.

We know when a man is interested in us, just by how he looks at us, whether it is by the length of the look or how his gaze settles.

Justus, and all the other husbands out there whose wives feel like fish in bed, remember that she was not always like that. You can ignite her fires by demonstrating genuine kindness to her.

Love, for many of us, means a listening ear. Active listening involves eye contact, responding to our words, and sharing your thoughts.

Empathy is demonstrated by such small acts as pouring tea for her, for once, even if she made the tea. It could mean fetching her a jacket when it gets cold, and other acts of service.

Of course, quality time together, if not prioritised, all these things will not take root. It is already cold; we cannot afford a fish in bed.

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