Think thrice before falling into adultery

What you need to know:

  • Adultery kills a marriage, even when the two continue to stay together.
  • Adultery is the height of deceit in a marriage.

In her track, How Could an Angel Break My Heart, Toni Braxton sings: “I heard he sang a lullaby. I heard he sang it from his heart. When I found out, I thought I would die. Because that lullaby was mine.”

There is nothing as painful in a marriage as finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful. It does not matter how much the cheater justifies this level of betrayal or sanitises it. It speaks of their character more than anything else they can ever do to their betrayed partner.

Next to domestic violence, adultery is a betrayal that wounds so deeply that your spouse’s worldview, perception, and beliefs are altered, because of you.

When adultery and abuse happen simultaneously, a person is left so wounded that they must dig into their supernatural strength to survive it.

“Adultery is a betrayal that hurts deeper than a knife wound.” *Loice says. “It causes trauma and momentary insanity.” Adultery brings to the fore abandonment concerns, it makes you feel faint, angry, and murderous, but mostly, breaks your heart and faith in humanity.

I know that sounds dramatic. But ask those who have lived through it.

“I felt broken. I felt…worthless, a lesser man.” *Andrew Majuma says when he discovered his wife of 12 years was involved in an affair.

Remain faithful

When the one who vowed to desert all others and remain faithful, loving, and protective of you steps out behind your back, you land on your face, belly, and heart on the floor.

Even jumping off a cliff does not feel as hurtful or dramatic. When you have been faithful to them, blissfully trusting that they too were, you are stunned, shocked, and disoriented that they could so easily betray your trust and break the vows of fidelity.

Infidelity trauma causes a myriad of reactions in the victim, including feeling worthless, numb, angry, humiliated, depression, intrusive thoughts about the affair and so much more. It cuts deep, especially when committed by a so-called Christian spouse.

This is because we hold them on a pedestal. We assume they meant every vow of fidelity, love, and honour they declared in the presence of more than 500 souls. But human nature is so often deceitful that we must let people earn our trust instead of giving it away simply because they made a vow.

As devastating as it is, you can recover. Therapy, long walks, times in isolation, copious bottles of wine to boot, but one day, as you are busy doing your mundane work, a light will flutter.

You will not even be sure that it is a spark. “Maybe an electrical fault.” You will tell yourself. But the light will not go out. If anything, it will continue flickering, growing, building, and one morning, you will wake up feeling lighter.

The world will look beautiful again. You will notice the red Nandi flame, whose vibrancy compliments the Jacaranda in bloom. You will smile at strangers, say, “Excuse me,” and “Pole” when you bump into each other in the streets.

Then, love will find you from the blues and when you were not expecting or looking. Time does not cure heartbreak. Love does. Your tears will dry. This person will make you laugh, without trying. They will make you smile.

You will find yourself watching the rain and dreaming about fireplaces, companionship, and ageing together. Maybe you are lonely after being betrayed and neglected, but who cares? This person feeds you the best medicine, laughter.

They become your accountability partner, in your healing journey and the pursuit of your dreams, your purpose.

They complement your curves, which you thought were the reason that your ex-spouse chose to cheat. But now you know better that someone committing adultery is their personal choice and has nothing to do with you.

Think twice, thrice even, before stepping out on your spouse. Unless you are a narcissist and are incapable of empathy, you do not want to be the source of the kind of pain for the mother or father of your children.

Yes, karma too does come around. She does not flinch. She metes out vengeance with glee.