My husband’s nonchalance is tempting me to cheat

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

My husband lost his job after being hospitalised a while back. Since then, life has been tough. We had to take a loan, secured by the house he bought for us, to settle the hospital bills.

As the sole breadwinner, I am struggling to make ends meet. We have three children and I am committed to being by my husband’s side and supporting the family during this difficult time. My sister had asked me to move in with her but I am not willing to abandon my home.

Now, the one thing that is really bothering me is lack of intimacy with my husband. We haven’t had sex for a long time. We quarrel about everything these days. I know he loves me and I don’t think he is cheating on me even though our sex life is literally dead.

Any time I bring up this matter, he brushes me aside and says I don’t understand what he is going through. Although we are both churchgoers, I am feeling tempted to get my needs taken care of elsewhere. Please advise.

Hi,

Sickness and its impact is not foreign to marriages. However, it is amazing to see the kind of faith and love you have expressed to your husband during this time. The way you have stood by him is commendable. No one in their right mind plans to lose their employment or be sick. Being hospitalised can be both emotionally traumatic and financially draining. But your faith and choice to be by his side through it all is worth celebrating. Well done.

Even without details on his sickness, I feel that you need to understand where he is coming from and what he is going through emotionally. When a life-changing illness or health issue strikes, it can test the strength and commitment of a couple.

Notwithstanding, it is commonly accepted that when you commit to a marriage, you are expected to stick with them through it all-- in “sickness or health”

Read: My wife thinks I cheated on her

However, it is important to acknowledge that people have different tolerance thresholds when it comes to sickness. While some see life beyond the sickness, others may not be able or willing to. I guess this is where your spouse is.

The tension that comes with illness can be tough, but at times educative. When you think of the hours you have spent supporting him, and the emotional drain, this can be frustrating in itself while at the same time purifying. At times, such difficulty purifies our understanding of love. Therefore, as a Christian, faithfully committing yourself and the marriage to God is the first step to gaining focus and healing. In such moments, you must remind yourself what God calls you to be. In marriage, he calls us to a life of total surrender and living by faith through all the seasons of life.

Fear of the future and financial issues can lead to fights and disputes. Confronting your fears and anxiety will help restore focus and the much-needed calmness that is essential to rebuild intimacy.

In addition, being thankful for your blessings is important. Be thankful that you still have a husband and the children have a father. Unity can open extraordinary doors. There is need to visit your doctor who could advise on matters of your husband’s response to sex. God has blessed you with three great children that will benefit from the presence of both of you. Manage the pressure you have through prayer, counselling and accountability sessions. Be aware that any slightest indication that you desire to quit could negatively impact your husband. Your husband needs you to help him break out of his current state.

Read: Am I a fool for sticking with my cheating wife?

Keep communication on a positive note so that you can get informed by listening and sharing. Avoid the temptation to focus on what is going wrong. Complaining will cause an emotional drain and kill the little spark of life left.

Adopt a positive outlook by talking about times you overcame past difficult times. This helps create hope. Intimacy is not just about sex; it is about spending quality time together. Try going to church together, have some outings, and practice holding hands, reading the Bible together and praying.