Pastor Kitoto: My wife is in love with a married man, but I still want her


My wife of six years broke up with me five months ago.

Photo credit: Shuttestock

What you need to know:

  • She told me she wanted a break from the relationship.
  • But I discovered that she had been in love with a married guy for about a year

Dear Kitoto,

My wife of six years broke up with me five months ago. She told me she wanted a break from the relationship. I love her and want her back. She said I am not the problem, but I do not understand why she left. I asked her if she was seeing another man and she denied it. But I discovered that she had been in love with a married guy for about a year. I felt hurt and betrayed but I still want her back. After a lot of reflection, I regret deciding to abort our unborn baby three years into our marriage. Could it be the reason why she fell for this man? I want to make things right and restore our marriage.

Mark Mosota

Dear Mr Mosota

Being married for six years, one would expect a certain level of growth in the way you relate with your wife. I, therefore, question the level of commitment that existed between the two of you.

It is not clear what led to the rift between the two of you and drew her to this married man. However, the six years of marriage lacked certain basic expectations. First, something was bothering this woman. Yes, she confessed that you were not the problem. But was this a way of justifying her withdrawal from you?

I believe if handled differently, the rift could have been healed.

Resolving indifference requires skills in both emotional and relational intelligence.

Second, her decision to move out and into another relationship, was wrong knowing that she was married to you. However, people have a right to make their own decisions.

Hurting people are more likely to continue being hurt unless they choose to turn a new leaf. Her walking away was an indication that she wanted nothing to do with you not forgetting the unresolved issues she was dealing with. Can you help her heal? I believe past or ongoing conflict requires love, patience and open disclosure of feelings.

I am cognizant of the fact that you encouraged her to abort. This may or may not have been the key reason for her move to cheat on you. In addition, her love affair with this guy while still married to you was part of her desire to find love and acceptance that she was missing. It is possible that the abortion left her feeling wounded and rejected.

But, we can only speculate because you did not talk about it. You may see her reasons for withdrawal as valid or not. But what is clear is that she has decided to move out and into another relationship.

Third, being your wife, do not force her back unless she is convinced that she made a mistake to break up with you. You are still single and I commend you for that.

However, her choice to come back through your efforts or hers should not be treated lightly.

It is going to be an uphill task.

Restoration will depend on a few key factors: Acknowledge all underlying factors that will have to be addressed before any decision is reached.

For example, 1) Why did she move out? 2) what made her move into another relationship while still married to you? 3) is your decision to remain single solely because you still have hope in restoration? 4) are you willing to pay the price of what it will take to make it work?

And finally, is your reaction based on past guilt associated with the abortion, or a clearly thought-through decision?

If your answer is for a restoration, first, seek an appointment with her.

Restoration is hinged on her willingness to have a sober dialogue. Second, identify her concerns.

Whether they are in the past, wounds connected with past injustices—unless resolved, can linger for a long time.

Finally, resolve the issues without pointing fingers.

Seek professional help where possible.

Pastor Kitoto

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