My ex-wife wants me back but I have moved on

troubled man

Sin and mistakes can only be dealt with where open and honest disclosure is embraced.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

Thank you for the great advice you give us each week.

Three years ago, I got access to my wife’s phone password and started checking the phone behind her back. I found chats between her and a certain man, a family friend who is married.

He would come over to my house after I left for work and even brought milk for my wife to cook him tea. What worried me was his insistence that I should never know about these visits. I couldn’t help but wonder what happened between them.

 After some time, my wife started behaving strangely. Should would come to bed fully clothed and we hardly got intimate. I decided to confront her and even showed her the evidence of my suspicions on her phone. She denied everything.

 I was disturbed for a while and decided to quit the marriage. I left her and our two children and married another wife. We have a daughter who just turned one. Now my ex-wife claims to be remorseful but I cannot take her back because I have already moved on. I have continued to take financial responsibility for my two other children and even pay house rent for my ex-wife. Do I owe her anything else after her betrayal?


Your compliments are well received. We trust that like many others, you will continue to engage with us in this column knowing that there is no end to learning.

Regarding your concerns, I am not surprised at how much you know about your wife and her actions while you are away from home. Phones can tell a lot about people’s secret lives. It is surprising though that when you confronted her, she chose not to be open with you.

Sin and mistakes can only be dealt with where open and honest disclosure is embraced. I can’t help but wonder why you are still getting mixed up with her if you truly moved on. Is it that you regret the way you handled the issue? Are you hoping to rekindle the relationship with your ex-wife? These are key questions to enable you to determine what is good for you.

First, when you became aware of the conversation between her and the male family friend who is married, how did you deal with the matter? If indeed you confirmed that they would meet in your house, then reconciliation could only have been possible if the confrontation led to confession and desire for restoration.

I don’t think you needed to wonder whether they were having an affair behind your back or not. My opinion is that the issue at hand was that of your wife inviting a male friend into your house in your absence. Your discussions and disclosures should have led you to get most of the answers to the questions you had. However, it appears like this was not the case leading to your separation.

As you have confessed already, you decided then to leave your wife with two children. In addition, you remarried and your current wife has a child. My question to you is, “Where is your allegiance?” Are you trying to have a relationship with your previous wife? Or are you just sympathetic towards her plight? If you are not careful, you will be complicating your life further. Additionally, how far are you trying to go and what do you desire to achieve with that effort?

Although your ex-wife could be regretting her mistakes, she needs to realise that you moved on. What is she seeking to achieve? Of course, maintaining a great relationship between yourself and the mother of your children will allow you to be involved in their lives but is that all there is to it?

Finally, my suggestion is a double-edged sword in form of a question: First, are considering to go back to your first wife? Even if you are still legally married to your first wife and both of you are having second thoughts and somewhat regretting your decisions, be sure to deal with the baggage of the past while reviewing your current circumstances and obligations. You can’t just be walking in and out of people’s lives at will.

Second, if your worry is associated with how you should relate with your first wife knowing that she is the mother of your children, then you need to be sure of your goal. Your concern is to have a healthy relationship with her while respecting your boundaries as a married man. This will enable you to participate in the lives of your two children.

If you are in this second relationship as a stop-gap measure without any serious commitments, your obligations are with your first legal wife. Mend ways, heal, and restore the marriage. However, you need to ensure you take care of the needs of the child born outside your legal marriage.

Whatever the case, you are walking a tightrope that requires one to be careful of their actions. Don’t be the type who feels the right to hop from one relationship to another with total disregard for consequences.