My husband has fallen out of love with me

Hello Pastor,

My husband has only just told me this week that he is very unhappy with me and has fallen out of love with me. I'm devastated because I still love him so much. We have two children together. He has not asked me for a divorce.

How do I deal with this?

Hi,

I am sorry for what happened and empathise with you. As I read through your mail, a few questions popped up in my mind. First, did you see any signs of his weakening commitment towards you before the day he fell out of love with you? Generally, one spouse may send a cry for help for a period before such action of walking out on his partner and children.

When most people are unable to detect these symptoms, the final step ends appearing sudden to them. My caution here, though, is the need to know that, by asking this question, it does not mean that you will be able to bring him back into your life. Maybe the real reason behind his action was coming for a long time.

The second question is that, is this relationship repairable? Can this relationship be restored? The answer to this is not simple. It will require the willingness of both partners to sit back on the negotiation table with a counsellor and discuss the issues ailing the relationship.

In addition, it may take time to happen depending on whether either partner has been wounded to the extent they need a longer time to walk through the issues for lasting healing to come. There are cases where spouses have come together with help from friends, parents or a professional. However, as I said earlier, the two must be willing to talk and iron out their differences.

As you reach out to him, consider certain things: 1) Seek to hear him out than to be heard so that you can understand what is troubling him. 2) Affirm your love and that of the children to him. 3) Get help if he is willing to talk. 4) Refuse to be manipulated or compromised to do anything that would hurt you further.

How do I handle my cheating boyfriend?

Hi Pastor,

I have been dating a man for over two months now, and we had a shaky beginning, but things got better once we slept together. But over time, we still argued. I lived with him for over a week, and when I left for home, where I was to stay two months apart from him, I found out that he cheated through another woman. I confronted him, and he said it was just a woman he no longer wanted, but she wanted him so badly that she was making stories up to ruin our relationship.

Since then, I'm questioning a lot about us, and I don't think I'll trust him fully again. I know I should have left him, but I have fallen for him, and I want to support him so that he loves me more and doesn't have to cheat again. I can't stop thinking that it's possible the two are still in contact, and I don't want to imagine worse.

Would you please help advise me?

Hi,

Thank you for contributing to the column. One thing that stands out in your relationship is how quickly both of you were intimate and in bed together. As a counsellor, I find that relationships built around the appetites of the flesh tend not to last. It is essential to realise that sex is not necessarily the glue that holds a relationship together.

A healthy relationship or marriage is founded on more than sex. Every spouse in a marriage knows that it is not every day a couple can have sex for varying reasons—from sickness to emotional issues or absence—the question of whether a marriage is still possible in the midst of such challenges.

Your starting point seemed to paint the picture that sex was the bond that sealed everything for both of you. Sadly, it appears like sex has become the thing used to betray and hurt the relationship. I am convinced that the appetite for sex is something your boyfriend has to tame if he will build a strong relationship with you.

Do remember that you were away for a short period for him to have gone to the extent of cheating you. Why doesn't he exercise self-control? Either he was already dating this other lady behind your back, or he is quick to get ladies in bed—and that, if true, is bad for any relationship.

Another critical issue is what makes you fall back in "love" with him? Is it out of fear of losing him, or do you doubt your judgement? If this guy cheated on you with this lady while you were away, his reasons for his action don't make sense. But the ball is in your court. I should caution you that you have no power to change his habits, ways, and beliefs unless he is willing to listen and make adjustments. Here are two things to remember: first, we were all made with the capacity to make choices. Second, we have to take responsibility for the choices we make in life. This being the case, approach the future with these two issues in mind.

A relationships expert Garry Smalley adds two issues of importance. First, if we honour someone, we intentionally give that person a respected position in our lives. I am not sure you were of importance enough for him to value your place in his life. Second, every person has to take control of their life, stop being victims of their past, and start moving on to something new. If you are unsure where their relationship is taking you, could this be just what you need to do to reshape your future?

Finally, you have to revisit your conflict resolution mechanism. For example, how did you deal with the issues before you started sleeping together? If indeed sex helped resolve the problems, then you two are on shaky ground.

In addition, when the problems resurfaced later in the relation, how were they handled? The same gaps can be seen in the way you have handled his cheating. Excellent conflict management must follow a certain process. First, identify the issue/s at hand; Second, find a conducive environment and time to talk on the issues; Third, allow each person space to express themselves with fear or intimidation; Fourth, determine the reconcilable from the irreconcilable issues. Finally, ask yourself whether the answers your partner has given have helped put to rest the issues at hand.

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